Grieving dad preserves son's memory through his belongings, estranged mom wants gadgets for her kids. AITA?
"AITA for not giving my deceased son’s belongings away?"
AdSudden7555
I (54M) have 3 children, Lisa (28F), Eric (26M) and Arwyn (16M). In April, Arwyn unfortunately passed away in a MVC. I have a very strained relationship with Arwyn’s mom.
We split up a long time ago and a few years ago she gave me the full custody of him because she wanted to concentrate on her new relationship. She has two more children, 10 and 6 M.
Arwyn didn’t leave much behind when he passed away. His car was totaled, and what was left was his Apple phone, laptop and watch and his PS5. All his things are in his room, untouched.
Sometimes, though, I go through his phone just to take a glimpse of his life that ended too soon and too tragically. Arwyn was very close with Lisa and Eric, and a few weeks since he passed away, they came over.
I offered them to take some of his stuff. They picked some shirts and some hoodies. Eric also took his sneakers since they shared the love for brand name sneakers and the shoe size as well.
When Arwyn’s mom found out about it, she contacted me to ask if she could take some of his stuff as well. I was very sceptical about it since she never had a good relationship with Arwyn, but I let her come over anyway. She went through the remaining stuff and asked if she could take his gadgets.
I told her no. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I’d like to keep all the memories preserved. His laptop has his high school paper draft that he never finished, his phone has the pictures of him smiling and his texts to his friends. His PS account has all his achievements in computer games.
She became visibly upset and said that I’m being unfair and selfish and that she could use his gadgets. I told her that it’s impossible to use them because she’d need to log out of his Apple ID account first and no one knows the password anymore.
She became even more upset and accused me of hoarding his things. I told her that she could pick something else, some of his school awards or whatever. She said that I’m being unfair and called me an AH. Now I’m left wondering if I actually am one.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Briiiiiiyonce
NTA. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but she gave up on him for her new relationship. Also it sounds like she just wants his electronics to give to her kids. SHE sounds like the selfish one. You just lost your child and she’s asking for his video game consoles. She can kick rocks. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Fianna9
I agree. People grieve differently, but she doesn’t sound like she wants mementos- she wants “free” electronics. Op isn’t “giving away his stuff” he’s allowing people to choose items to remember Arwyn by.
RulerofHoth
NTA. You want to preserve the memories on his electronics, she doesn't. Your other children chose items. You gave her other options if she doesn't want them then she made her choice. Sorry for your loss and suffering. Hopefully you and your other children are doing well.
The OP responded here:
AdSudden7555
Thank you for your condolences and reassurance. It’s definitely been hard for all of us. I’ve unfortunately experienced loss in the past, but nothing hurts as bad as seeing your baby dead.
Thank you, and drive safely. The fact that if the guy behind the wheel of that truck hadn’t ran a red light, my son would have been alive and well would always haunt me. Please never assume that an intersection could be empty because it’s too late/not many cars are out/etc.
kmflushing
Holy crap. She literally came to her dead sons room to scavenge for electronics for herself and new kids? WT ACTUAL F?! In what world could you ever be the AH? Shut that down. Why do you care what a vulture like this thinks? I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do not burden yourself further with any more thoughts on the carrions of life. You have enough real things to deal with.
YouthNAsia63
Awww, Arwin’s mom is upset you didn’t want to let her take her dead kids electronics so she could use them herself. She didn’t want to have them so she could remember him fondly, you know that, right?
You know she will take them and wipe them, just to make more room, annnnd your last connection to the child that woman abandoned to you will be gone. She is upset. And so what? What do you even care. NTA.
Worth-Season3645
NTA…she did not have a relationship with her own child and now wants to take his electronics, not in memory of said child, but for her own children now.
SeethingHeathen
NTA. She wants his electronics to give to her other children, not to remember Arwyn. Either that, or to sell them. Call me cynical, but why else would she want those items specifically and not something with more sentimental than monetary value?