'AITA for not giving my nephew my baby's fund to help with uni? They make less money.' UPDATED 2X

There's no entitlement quite like the entitlement of selfish family.

"AITA for not giving my nephew my baby's fund?"

Chris - my husband (31), Rory - father in law, Sean - my nephew (16), Tom - my brother (35). I (30f) don't have a baby right now. About 2 years ago I got pregnant and Chris and I told our families. Rory gave us a check for £1000. He said he wanted us to use it to buy baby stuff while the kid was young, and whatever was left over should be saved for when our child turns 18 and then given to them.

I misc*rried shortly after, and we tried to give Rory the money back, but he asked if we were planning on trying again, to which we replied that we wouldn't be any time soon, but someday definitely. He said to keep the money, put it in a savings account and keep adding to it for when we did have a baby.

Chris and I tried to put in about £10 a week between us, which is doable for high school teachers. We missed a couple of weeks but there's about £2500 in there right now, and we've never taken out of it. In 2 years the only people who have put money in this account are me, Chris and Rory.

Both myself and Chris have been to therapy, and we agreed to try again about 6 months ago, and I'm now pregnant again, at 4 months. We told our families today and Rory and my mother in law are both really happy for us, as are my parents. Tom, however, looked a bit sad. I asked if I could speak to him off to one side.

In the conversation that ensued Tom said that he had actually been hoping to ask me about the baby fund. Tom and his wife are both on living wage, meaning they earn slightly less than us, as they had Sean at the age where they would have gone to uni, so it's important to them that Sean gets to go. Sean is 16, but plans to go to uni in a couple of years.

Tom and his wife are concerned that if Sean got a job to save up it would affect his grades and they don't have money to spare, so before Tom knew I was pregnant he was basically hoping he could ask me to transfer the current contents of the baby fund over to Sean, and keep giving Sean the money that would otherwise go in the baby fund, as he worries Sean will not be able to afford uni otherwise.

If I were to agree to this and keep doing it until he finished uni, I could restart the baby fund when the baby I'm currently carrying is about 5 years old. I told Tom I wasn't comfortable with that for several reasons.

The main ones being that at most a third of it is actually my money, that the money is meant for my baby, and that the money was also meant to be used when the baby was due to get baby stuff, which we'd struggle to afford otherwise on teacher's wages.

I said I'd be willing to work something out, and that with the pregnancy Chris is gradually taking on more housework, so maybe if Sean wanted to come over and do the garden or help with chores I could pay him out of my money (not the baby fund), but Tom says that Sean can't be distracted from his studies. I said that while I love my nephew I'm just not comfortable giving money meant for my child to Sean. AITA?

Shortly after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: My family sides with Tom, as the baby isn't born yet and I have time to rebuild the fund. Chris and Rory side with me in that they money, as far as they're concerned, is for their child/grandchild, but Rory also said "do what you think is best". Mother in law wants to keep the peace, but the initial money was just as much her idea as Rory's.

Clarification: Rory has no relation to either Tom or Sean, and no one on my side of the family (other than me) has made any contribution to the baby fund.

The comments came flowing in.

Pelageia wrote:

No. Just. No. What on earth...do NOT give this money to Tom! I do not understand how he even dares to entertain the thought of asking you for it considering the history tied with this money (miscarriage) and that it is YOURS. He had nothing to do with building these savings. It is NOT your responsibility to put Sean through uni. NTA.

ArchAmber wrote:

NTA - Your nephew is not your financial responsibility. Your child is.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. Perhaps Tom could get a second job to take care of his own responsibilities instead of mooching off someone else. What a rude, selfish thing to ask. Smh. I just cannot get over the sheer arrogance of this. If they had put aside $10 a week or whatever for the course of your nephew's life, this wouldn't be a concern.

Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on your part. Basically, they saw dollar signs and hoped you'd just be too sad to keep the money if you weren't pregnant.

tulipsmash wrote:

NTA. That money was intended for your child. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for using it for your child. Plenty of students work part time before/during university to afford it. Sean will manage if he really wants to go. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but £2500 is not a huge amount of money.

Would that even cover a semester of school? They're going to need a better long term plan than taking your baby's money...I'd be worried that of you say yes to this now they'll be back to ask you for money in the future!

Barrel-Of-Tigers wrote:

NTA. Even if you weren’t pregnant, I think it’s an incredibly rude imposition to ask you to give Sean any of the baby fund. Tom and his wife need to work out supporting their own child, and if Sean needs to put uni off to save up to avoid working and studying then so be it. It is not your responsibility to pay for your nephew. Especially now that you are pregnant and will be needing that money.

It’s also an extra tactless step that Tom asked knowing you’re now pregnant again. It would be rude before, but now he knows he’s asking you to take from your relatively small baby fund because he wants his son to have an easier ride he can’t provide.

A few months later, OP shared an update.

Hi! Of all the things I was expecting to see in this thread I didn't quite expect this lol. Still pregnant (about 7 months). My husband and I agreed to pay my nephew and niece to do some jobs for me around the house and they've accumulated a chunk of cash each (niece at £100ish, nephew closer to £500) to check out when they go to university.

Brother is none the wiser and thanks to their efforts the nursery is ready to go. Nephew has asked his parents to let him get a job, but still no luck, however his college does these programs within school time which pay so he's applying for one of those.

My mother outright wished that I lost this child because I was "so selfish to not help out family," and my brother agreed and said that he would make sure to teach my child to take care of others, and they each made a Facebook post about it which ended up with me getting a bunch of anonymous messages wishing sickness/d*ath on me and my child.

I came of social media and I have not spoken to either my mother or brother in a couple months. Outside of that I'm doing okay, baby looks healthy, marriage going strong, and no one has wished d*ath on me or my baby since I blocked my mother and brother. So s#$t got wild for a second there but I think it's pretty much over.

The comments came flowing in.

Peter095837 wrote:

"My mother outright wished that I lost this child because I was "so selfish to not help out family", and my brother agreed and said that he would make sure to teach my child to take care of others, and they each made a Facebook post about it which ended up with me getting a bunch of anonymous messages wishing sickness/death on me and my child."

Anyone who wishes death on someone, especially a child, can go f#$k themselves. My god.

StrangledinMoonlight wrote:

"Hoping he could ask me to transfer the current contents of the baby fund over to Sean, and keep giving Sean the money that would otherwise go in the baby fund."

All this over a £2500 one time lump sum and £520 a year???? That’s not a lot of money for college. Even in the UK. And the audacity to expect OP to pay £10 weekly to the nephew while OP has the increased expenses of a new baby?????!!! The sheer chicken fried audacity of these people.

MrBadBadly wrote:

Jesus f#$king christ that took a dark turn towards the end. The mom had 16 years to contribute to her grandson and granddaughter's school fund as did the father. I can't believe for 16+ years they didn't have any opportunities to save money for their children...bunch of entitled deadbeats.

knittedjedi wrote:

Anyone who wishes a misc*rriage on another human being like this is automatically the AH.

AhhBisto wrote:

£2500 wouldn't touch the sides at uni in this country, an absolute shambles they would make such disgusting comments to a pregnant woman and her unborn child over such an amount. There are bursaries and scholarships for people that come from low earning families, it's a lot easier to do than wishing death on a baby. Utter b*stards.