'AITA for not giving the role of father-of-the-bride to both my dad and stepdad?' 'I was so young.'
"AITA for not giving the role of father-of-the-bride to both my dad and stepdad?"
My parents divorced when my siblings (32m, 30f, 29m) and I (27f) were young. I was a newborn when they separated for context. My dad never remarried but he had two long term relationships since then.
One when we were younger kids. His current partner he met when we were in our teens. Mom and my stepdad married when I was 5. Our parents shared equal custody of my siblings and me. We were closer to our dad than our mom or our stepdad. Not because dad was a Disney parent or because he didn't have rules.
But dad was more of a nurturer and we had a closer relationship with him. We still loved mom, but it wasn't the same. I believe at times my stepdad had trouble coming to terms with us being so close to dad and not as close to mom or him.
There were times we felt some jealousy and maybe even resentment about it. As an adult I can sort of understand, especially if he loved us like we were his, though I also think it should always be a positive when kids have good biological parents and a stepparent isn't needed to fill that role for a missing parent. It's less trauma for the kids.
Anyway, when I was 10 dad was involved in a bad accident. For a year we couldn't live with him because he was on life support, then in rehab working on recovery. During that year my stepdad really did try to fill the role of "only dad.
He and mom already had a child together at this point but he focused more on my siblings and me. He was really good to us and I told him a few years ago I appreciated that he didn't resent us being there all the time.
But he resented that, at the end of that year, he hadn't solidified himself as dad to any of us. We all still called him by his first name. None of us saw him as more of a dad afterward. We weren't magically so much closer.
Dad was still our #1. When most of my siblings were in college but I was still at home, my stepdad became a little more angry and a lot more resentful of dad because dad was their go to person to call. I also chose to live full time with dad at that point.
So the problem today. I'm the last of my siblings getting married. My sister had dad as only father of the bride for her wedding. Now I asked just dad too. My stepdad was quiet about my sister's wedding.
But he has spoken up this time and he told me he couldn't understand why I didn't ask them both. He said he did just as much as my dad, and for an entire year he was the only father any of us had.
My mom, who weighed in a couple of times, said I was so young when my stepdad and her got married, that it made no sense to see him as less of a father. They told me that even if I asked now it wouldn't hold the same genuine recognition and appreciation for my stepdad. But my stepdad wanted me to know how thoughtless he considered my choice. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
NotCreativeAtAll16 said:
NTA. I am so sick of reading about these entitled parents in blended families thinking that doing something for a minute entitles you to all of the rights and privileges of being the actual parent.
SD can want to be treated as the dad, but he came along with you were five. The others were even older. You lived with him and your mom for a year, and you never once wavered then and felt like he was anything more than your stepdad who married your mom. They need to let this go.
puntacana24 said:
NTA - The role is for father of the bride, not stepfather of the bride. Your choice is totally logical. Your stepfather is seemingly jealous and resentful of the fact that he is not your real dad, but if he couldn’t handle to be a stepfather, he shouldn’t have married someone with kids. You did nothing wrong, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
Own-Kangaroo6931 said:
NTA if only for the fact that if stepfather wanted to actually be seen as "dad" then he wouldn't be throwing a strop at not getting the father-of-the-bride role. A dad who understands his daughter's emotions and wishes wouldn't be having a tantrum at not being recognized as "dad," and stepping aside for bio-dad on his daughter's big day.
Ok_Path1734 said:
NTA. Your mom and him have child correct. If child is a girl, he can play father of the bride with her.
Dragon_Queen_666 said:
NTA. Your wedding, YOUR choice. If they can't respect that, it's their fault.
Srvntgrrl_789 said:
NTA. A year of filling in as primary dad is NOT the same thing as your bio dad always being there. He doesn't get to be rewarded for it. He got gratitude, and less drama.