'AITA for not going on vacation with my friend and her kids? I'm traveling with a childfree friend.' UPDATED

"AITA for not going on vacation with my friend and her kids?"

My (30F) friend Sarah (also 30F) is a single mom with two kids. She’s been going through a rough time after separating from her husband last year, and I’ve done my best to be there for her.

My other close friend, Lina, and I have always accommodated Sarah’s situation—visiting her at her house so she wouldn’t have to go out, planning outings around her kids’ needs, and being as flexible as possible. Recently, Lina and I decided to go on a vacation together, just the two of us.

When Sarah found out, she got very upset and told us that she had expected us to include her and her kids, since we are her closest friends and she doesn’t have many people to travel with. She also said that because she’s in a difficult situation, she thought this was something we would do for her as her friends.

Lina and I explained that while we love her and her kids, a vacation with them would be completely different from what we have in mind. We also offered to take a shorter trip with her and the kids (like a long weekend), but she dismissed that because she wanted a full week at the beach.

She then said that she would have let me join if the roles were reversed, but to me, that’s not a fair comparison—if I were tagging along on a vacation with her family, I’d be adapting to their plans, whereas if she came with us, we would have to plan the whole trip around her kids.

Sarah has now said that she doesn’t know if our friendship will survive this, which I think is an extreme reaction. I understand that she’s disappointed, but I don’t think it’s fair to guilt-trip us into changing our plans.

She’s also acting like we’re abandoning her when, in reality, we’ve been incredibly accommodating for years. I feel bad that she’s struggling, but at the end of the day, I don’t think it’s my responsibility to ensure she has someone to travel with. So, AITA for not wanting to go on vacation with her and her kids?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.

Meeeee01 wrote:

I mean the other option is to let her come but you don't change your plans... This could call for some malicious compliance.

"Oh, the kids need to go to bed, have fun, we will be at the bar/nightclub/what ever."

OP responded:

We did consider the idea of letting her come along while still sticking to our original plans, but realistically, I don’t think it’d work. If we went out at night while she had to stay in with the kids, she’d likely feel excluded, even if she claims now that she wouldn’t mind.

And honestly, Lina and I both know we wouldn’t actually be able to go through with it—we’re softies, and if we saw her upset or struggling, we’d just end up feeling guilty and changing our plans anyway.

So in the end, it would either lead to her feeling left out or us compromising our own vacation. That’s exactly why we felt it was better to just be upfront about our decision rather than setting ourselves up for a situation where no one is truly happy…

WatchingTellyNow wrote:

I like this idea. You and Lina do whatever you'd planned to do - go out clubbing, get in at 2am, sleep until 11, whatever. Don't take any responsibility for watching the kids at all. Or maybe explain to Sarah that that's what you'll be doing, so it wouldn't be much of a holiday for her as she'll be looking after the kids 100% anyway.

OP responded:

We’ve tried telling her that but at this point I feel like she refuses to understand. I think she wants this vacation so badly that she isn’t able to see both sides which saddens us because she means a lot to us.

jcgreen_72 wrote:

I think you need to gently explain to her that she should try expanding her circle to include more people who also have children. They're much more likely to want to do the kinds of trips to enjoy with children, vs going along with the two of you single girls, and feeling left out and envious.

OP responded:

She has some acquaintances in her neighborhood with kids that she spends time with! They’re just not as close as we are, which makes sense, because we’ve known each other for over ten years.

But I do agree that it would be much better for her to plan these sort of things with them. I also know that her own parents and her MIL would be available to go on a vacation with her and the kids. But she doesn’t want that either.

Delicious-Pick-6971 wrote:

NTA.

I don't understand how this woman thinks friendship works. Was she expecting you to babysit? Are you not allowed to have other friends? This confusing.

OP responded:

She said she doesn’t expect us to help with her kids but realistically that is near impossible. We love the kids and if they went up to us wanting our attention or help, or if we saw her struggling, we would never tell them to just f-- off. We had a similar situation at our NYE party where she insisted on bringing the kids and at the end we did end up helping her with them so we know it just wouldn’t work ?

Three days later, OP shared an update.

She has just sent me a 12 minute voice note ending our 10 year friendship because she thinks we should’ve celebrated NYE at her home with her kids and that we should take this trip with her to cheer her up, and that the friendship wasn’t “on equal terms” ??‍♀️ This is the message I’m thinking about sending (if it sounds a little weird it’s because it’s translated into English from my first language):

I’m sorry that you see it like that. I do understand that you’re going through an incredibly tough time, and it was absolutely never our intention to leave you behind. But to me, friendship doesn’t mean that everything always has to revolve around one person, even if they’re going through a hard time.

We tried to find compromises, both on New Year’s Eve and with the vacation, but it feels like it has to be exactly the way you imagine it or not at all. And honestly, that doesn’t feel like an equal friendship to me either. Of course I can understand that you feel excluded, but that was never my intention either. There are simply moments when, as someone without kids, I want to spend time without children.

You always emphasize that your kids are a part of you, which is of course your decision, but it also means that sometimes you can’t have both. If you never really ask yourself whether there are alternatives because you assume from the start that you always have to or want to have your kids with you, then that’s your choice, but you can’t expect others to always go along with that decision.

I think it’s really sad that you want to end our ten-year friendship over this, because you mean a lot to me. But if this is what you’ve decided for yourself, then I have no choice but to respect that. I still hope that at some point we can find our way back to each other, and I wish you and the kids all the best.

The internet did not hold back.

mayd3r wrote:

She can't leave her kids with a baby daddy? Or her parents? Or his parents? She just wants to have some good time while you two will be bending over for her and her kids. She sounds like a user, not a friend.

A friend would be grateful for what you did already and not demanding more with some emotional blackmail sprinkled on top. If she wants to cut you off for that, let her. I have a good feeling she'll be back in weeks begging for help. NTA.

OP responded:

She doesn’t want to, which has always been the case with her. She says her kids are a part of her and she doesn’t wanna leave them. Even at our NYE party she insisted on bringing them because she didn’t want to spend NYE without them…

diddleboo wrote:

NTA. She won't read all that - and even if she does, she'll only read with the lens of proving her own point. Send a shorter message. One she can't pick apart to prove her point.

"I respect your decision. Please feel free to reach out when you want to resume our friendship."

"I am sorry to see our friendship end, but I respect your decision. Good bye." Then cut contact until she calms down.

OP responded:

I already sent the message last night ? I definitely understand what you’re saying and I agree she won’t be able to accept whatever I said, but to be honest I did it more for me because I was getting sick of letting her rewrite the narrative unchallenged even though I feel bad about it.

[deleted] wrote:

So did you get a response to your message?

To be honest I doubt she will actually end the friendship. You give her way too much so she probably won't give that up. She is just gonna lay on the guilt even more.

OP responded:

Nope, no response. To be honest I wasn’t really expecting one, she’s clearly stuck in the role of a victim since her divorce. I wonder if she expected me to reply differently.

In any case she’s the one who decided to end our friendship over this so it’s on her to rectify that if she should ever regret it ??‍♀️