Sister refuses to attend brother's wedding after learning it's a 'throuple' relationship. AITA?
"AITA for not going to my brother’s fake wedding?"
Consistent_Peach2965
So my (34F) brother (28M) got “married” last weekend. When I first got the invite last year I was so excited and RSPVed yes. However, a few weeks later I found out he wasn't actually getting married, just having a wedding.
It felt weird to me but other family members said it was because he couldn't legally get married (he Is in a throuple) but I still felt it was weird and wrong to pretend youre getting married, and expect people to spend money to come, get wedding gifts and such when it all fake. So I decided I wouldn't go.
Where I may be TA is that I never told them I wasn't coming. On the day of the wedding I got calls from our parents asking if I was ok. When I said I was fine they asked how far from the venu I was.
I told them I was at home and they reminded me of the wedding time. I told them I wasn't coming seeing as it wasn't a real wedding, it was just a scam. They got really upset with me and said my brother would be devastated with me not being there. I just told them again I wasn't going and hung up, turning off my phone.
Well, it has now been a few days since the wedding and I have had a bunch of relatives contacting me asking what happened between me and my brother for me not to come to his wedding. They have all been confused when I have told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.
While I haven't heard from my brother, I have seen passive aggressive posts from his friends of them going out places with him and his boyfriends with captions like “having a little pick-me up” and things like that insinuating that he was upset. Which, again, I would get if it was a real wedding, but it wasn't, so AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Any-Strawberry-9395
YTA. You don't RSVP yes and then not go without it being a valid reason.
Dominoodles
You're not the AH for not wanting to go, but you should have said you weren't going and not showing up after saying you would makes YTA.
junglemice
The clearest of the clear, this one. YTA. Your title is a little misleading. This isn't just about not going - you said you would be there, you RSVPed "yes", and then you did not turn up. You invited worry into his special day, for him and for the rest of the people who cared for you and for your relationship with him.
By not letting him know in advance you also made the day about yourself, both by making guests chase up with you and by, it seems, taking up a good portion of his mind with questions about why.
What does a "real" marriage have that this doesn't have, in your view? Besides semantics? Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? Because for me, when I go to someone's wedding, I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other.
I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together.
You don't have to like that they referred to this as a wedding, but you've shown your feelings in the most distasteful and cruel of ways. It stung to read this, honestly. Very clearly you were the A H.
ThinkingT00Loud
YTA. IF not for any other reason than they catered the event for a given number of people and you didn't show. Which meant they wasted money. The decent thing to do is at least respond that you won't attend.
Gemethyst
YTA. And no. You and your brother are no longer "good". There are relationship dynamics at play in throuples that mean legal marriage isn't feasible but that they want to demonstrate the level of commitment they feel to one or both partners. And you have just blaséd that away.
kimba-the-tabby-lion
YTA. If you don't want to come, let people know. And it's not a gift grab. They can't have legal wedding, but they want to make a public commitment to each other and to ask friends and family to join them in celebrating their love.
They would clearly have a legal marriage if they could. Not going is telling them you don't respect their relationship and you don't think it's worth celebrating. And now he knows the truth, no wonder your brother is hurt.
ebuhn333
YTA for not seeing the relationship as valid. you didn't want to celebrate your brother's love for his partners because there's no marriage certificate? this is the same rationale people used less than 10 years ago to justify not going to same-sex weddings. the marriage's lack of legality does not take away from the celebration of love.
Tough_Crazy_8362
I mean. I find the premise of its not a real wedding kind of… cruel ? It’s a very important symbolic ceremony, pledging life and loyalty in front of your friends and loved ones.
You’d never tell a gay couple in 2001 that they just had a fake wedding since the law didn’t recognize it. That said, it’s not mandatory. N A H adjusting to YTA since you never updated the RSVP or talked to your brother about this, like an adult.
Distinct-Car-9124
ESH . OP should have told brother why he wasn't coming as soon as he decided. Parents should not have questioned OP's decision. And Brother should not have made a farce of the marriage ceremony. A marriage is between 2 individuals. Brother should have just hosted a big party and not expected gifts.
C_Majuscula
INFO: Why couldn't he get married? Were his other two partners already married to each other?
The OP responded here:
Consistent_Peach2965
no, in our country polygamy (marrying more than one person) is illegal.
dedpla
Wow. YTA big time. So you are judging your brother because his relationship isn’t legally sanctioned (something that is completely arbitrary and culturally determined by the way) AND you didn’t have the courage to even say it to him or your family in advance, you just ghosted them.
And you have the temerity to say “me and my brother are good” and “they probably paid for my place and food and stuff”. Weddings are expensive. Really expensive. You could have said, “thanks but I can’t come”. Total AH move and don’t expect your brother to talk to you again.
jmbbl
I don't go to weddings because they're specifically sanctioned by the state or the church or whatever. I go because it's a celebration of a relationship between people who mean something to me. YTA both for being so judgy about the nature of the wedding and even more so for just not showing up.