Man boycotts stepbrother's wedding over last minute invitation, 'I booked a trip overseas.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for not going to my brother's wedding after a late invite?"
I (27M) have two stepbrothers, Justin (30M) and Evan (27M), our parents have been married for 15 years. I was close to both throughout my teen years, however Evan and I no longer speak since we were 22. This is entirely my fault as I slept with his recent ex-girlfriend. I f*ked up and ruined our relationship, and he will likely never speak to me again. I deserve it, and do not blame Evan at all. Justin and my stepmother also didn't speak to me for a couple years.
Evan doesn't want to see me, and so we havent been in the same room since we were 22 either. How this works is basically Evan getting invited first to anything that Justin or our parents are planning, and I am invited if he can't make it. I know it's awkward, and that I've cause this situation, I am just glad to see them at all, so it isn't my place to complain.
Justin is getting married on Monday, and Evan is his best man. Justin and I haven't really talked about the wedding at all, since I'm obviously not invited it would be awkward to do so. I booked a trip overseas during the time of his wedding, to get away instead of being home and sad not to be there. I didn't tell Justin or our parents, because there was no need to bring it up. We all know I wasn't going to be there, and why.
On Friday night Justin tried to call me but I was sleep (middle of the night where I am right now). I got his message this morning asking me to call him, and saying Evan has agreed I could come to the wedding and that he really wants me there. if I was home the wedding would be 45 mins away and I'd go in a heartbeat, but im in Europe with a friend from college.
I told Justin that unfortunately I can't make it because I'm away. Now he's mad at me for not telling him I was going away, and for all the effort he spent in convincing Evan to let me come. But I never asked him to do that, and I would have told him not to because I don't think its fair to Evan who has sat a boundary. I'm not trying to cause him more pain.
Justin is pissed at me, and blocked me. One of cousins said he's furious, and said like Evan he's through with me. My dad called me later and told me if it's about money he'd buy my ticket home, but I explained it's not just about money (although a lot of the trip is unrefundable). If it was just me I'd consider going home, but im traveling with a friend who didn't sign up to be in Europe for 10 days by himself.
My cousins and my dad think I'm being an ahole not coming to the wedding. But I think it's unfair when the wedding is in two days. I know that the situation exists because of my actions, but AITA for not flying back tomorrow to attend the wedding?
EDIT:
I know the majority said im NTA, but I spoke with my friend and im catching a flight home today (Monday) and coming back on Tuesday. I can't lose another brother or the opportunity to see evan. i dont think it was fair to ask, but I cant risk it.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this:
Specific_Anxiety_343 said:
Total NTA and your family are all idiots. You slept with dude’s ex five years ago and they’re still mad? And now they’re mad because you declined a late wedding invitation? That’s just nuts.
izziefans said:
You are definitely NTA. Kudos on the self-awareness and taking responsibility for your actions. Can your dad buy your travel friend a ticket as well? Would your friend be interested in going to Justin’s wedding? Seems like a golden opportunity to mend relationships BUT also, by Justin’s immature reaction, maybe the relationship is not ready to be mended yet.
KawaiiWeabooTrash said:
NTA I can see why he’d be upset but like…they’re being really unfair. I’m sorry that there is so much pain in your family.
MsCurious_75 said:
NTA. You had no idea what Justin was doing in the background trying to get Evan agree to you attending a wedding. (Even if you were at home, it’s on a Monday - I don’t know if you work, but that could have been a problem too).
McGoogger said:
NTA you respected a boundary and now they’re mad lol. I wouldn’t be comfortable attending a function where someone had to be convinced to invite me. Not fair to your friend to be stuck in Europe alone, you were expecting to not be invited, like usual. And you don’t have to tell everyone your itinerary, if your brother was trying to convince your other brother, he can let you know to keep that night free in case you can come. They’re overreacting. Not to what you did in the past, but what happened now. Hope they chill out
Confident_Wave_5048 said:
NTA. I think they (your family) are being ridiculous, and I hope Evan and Justin confide in friends who tell them exactly that. I can't imagine what Evan is feeling, but I don't know if it's worth you constantly being invited only if Evan cannot attend an event. I would not put my life on hold like that.
Your family has gotten used to you not making any fuss and going with whatever works for them. Justin should have spoken with Evan as soon as he got engaged. You are a good friend for not ditching the holiday and leaving someone stranded by themselves. If your family want to make amends, they will. This is on them, not you.
UPDATE:
I asked if I would be TA for not going to my brother justin's wedding after a late invite. the late invite came because my other brother, Evan, who was not speaking to me and refused to be the same space with me after I slept with his ex, was invited and not me. Firstly, I would say that I really did take into consideration a lot of the comments that said I've been punished by the family enough. Evan has the right to still be mad but after this length of time I think it's time the rest of my family start treating me as an equal member again.
I did fly home for the wedding. the friend who I was on vacation with was very agreeable to me going. I know the judgement was that I would not be TA for skipping, but I was just too scared to lose Justin too. Yes, I wanted to have the conversation about him treating me equally now, but to do that I first needed him to be speaking with me.
Unexpectedly, Justin actually picked me up from the airport. he was immediately apologetic for how he talked to me and the position he put me in in forcing me to fly home, and recognized it wasn't right or fair. he even offered to pay the cost of my tickets. I accepted his apology, but told him we could talk about it more later, it was his wedding day and the focus should be on him and that.
We drove to the hotel where he and my parents and the other groomsmen, including Evan where you staying. Evan came to my room shortly after I checked in. It wasn't a happy movie scene where we hugged and all was forgiven, it was really awkward, two people on eggshells. We just sorta agreed to have a good day for Justin, and talk at some later point. in the end I am glad I went to the wedding, as unfair as Justin asking was, it was pretty clear that having both me and Evan there that day meant a lot to him. I flew back out the next day to meet my friend.
Since I've been back Evan and I have been talking and have met up. I've apologized again, but also he has forcing me out. he was (understandably) mad at me, and said he just could never seem to move past being mad, and it became easier to stay mad. but he missed me, he's wanted to call and then backed off doing so. we are slowly working on things. it's awkward, but getting better. I've met his gf and been to his apartment.
I did talk to Justin more about how unfair it was, and he agreed. as Evan is no longer demanding it be a 'him-or-i' choice, the conversation with Justin was easier. I would say that I was planning to man up and tell him I would no longer agree to that situation, and I hope I would have actually done so. but the situation no longer exists. he also did try to pay for my ticket again when I came back, but I didn't accept his offer. Hopefully the year continues on this positive direction.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
StAlvis said:
I mean, thank god. I cannot believe it took him this long to even make headway on getting over you hooking up with his EX.
Strong_Drawing_3667 said:
The update is good, but the alienation for so long by your family needs to be addressed. They can't keep you at arms length for so long and then throw a fit that you won't be waiting for their call on hands and knees
myent said:
I'm glad you're getting the family you want but I'll just leave my bet of "they'll find something else to be pissed about" in about 2 years. Best of luck
Candid-Quail-9927 said:
You were NTA if you choose not to attend. However by making the decision to be there you created a bridge for you and your brother to reconcile. No it will never be the same but it’s time for everyone to move forward. These past 5 years you have been punished enough. Wish you the best.
Tiklore said:
Your brother sounds unhinged