'AITA for not going to my brother’s wedding after his fiancee made my bully a bridesmaid?'

"AITAH for not going to my brother’s wedding?"

A lot of context here because it’s important…I (f22) used to attend a highly conservative college where my brother (m23) met his now fiancée (f21). While I was there, a terribly situation came up there a guy, let’s call him Brandon, took advantage of me, non-consensually obviously, and someone walked in on what was happening.

Instead of anyone talking to me, rumors started spiraling. Before I knew it, Brandon’s whole friend group got involved and were highly concerned about “us” breaking the rules of this conservative college. In this group was one particular girl, call her Sarah, who is notorious for snitching to faculty and getting people in trouble because she feels “too convicted”.

I took a large step and talked to Sarah. I confided in her what really happened and confessed how confused I was and how muddled and messed up my mentality was at the time (mind you, this all was happening within 48-72 hours).

I realize now, I should have stepped forward and gone to faculty, told the truth, and made sure Brandon took the fall for his own actions. However, purity culture is vile and terrifying to combat on your own after hearing so many horror stories from conservative institutions like this one.

Sarah sat and listened to me as I cried and poured my heart out to her, begging her to come talk to me before she decides to do anything. I told her that if she truly felt she had to go to faculty, that she would come tell me and we would go together and I would tell what happened.

I just needed more time to process what had happened to me. Later that night, Sarah went behind my back to faculty and told a shimmering version of the story that was not hers to tell in which both Brandon and I were at fault. This resulted in Brandon and I getting expelled.

However, in typical purity culture fashion, Brandon was quickly invited back to school where I was left alone and drifting. No one asked me what actually happened or had me give a statement. Judgement was dispelled hastily with little to no conversation except for Sarah’s. Back to the topic of the wedding (bear with me!!). My brother’s fiancée and I had been roommates through all of this.

I was telling her everything that was happening as it was happening. There had even been previous moments where Sarah had accused me of things my brother’s fiancée had done and I took the fall for her because I loved her. We were incredibly close. After I got expelled, she went radio-silent until she and my brother began dating a few months later.

Fast forward to wedding planning and it comes to light that my brother’s fiancée is not asking me to be a bridesmaid (I am my brother’s only sibling). But she is asking Sarah. The idea of attending this wedding (which is a destination wedding and not ideal for a full time college student and part time teacher like myself) is absolutely nauseating to me.

Being in the same room as Sarah is difficult enough. But to see her be viewed as someone closer to my brother and his future wife after they both know what she did to me is so offensive, it breaks my heart to pieces. I just don’t know if I can go.

Summary: AITAH for not going to my brother’s (m23) wedding after his fiancée (f21) asked the girl who got me wrongfully expelled from college to be a bridesmaid and not me?

Edit: Yes, my brother knows the entire situation as does his fiancée and our parents.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

MsBaseball34 wrote:

NTA - and if your brother knows any of this, I'm astounded that he's okay with how his fiance and her "friend" have treated you. Time to cut them off.

4getmenotsnot wrote:

I can't express to you how sorry I am that you went through such trauma. In no way is any of that ok. The fact that your brother is standing by and not way more upset is unsettling. Your soon to be sister in law showed who she is. Believe her. You need to get out of this toxic "religious" belief system. It's done nothing but harm you.

It's just a wedding. It's not that big of a deal to miss. Weddings are super boring anyhow. F those toolbags. Go enjoy your day and get a piece of cake or some cupcakes, you can eat more than one lol, and keep going. NTA for sure.

Again, I'm so sorry you were ass--lted and left to pick up the pieces by yourself. That's horribly wrong, and I really hope you are talking to a therapist about this. I can tell you that it doesn't just go away. It will affect all of your relationships as well as eat at your mind if unchecked. Be kind to yourself. You deserve to have a happy life.

OP responded:

Thank you so so much 🫶🏻

Mizard611 wrote:

NTA - I experienced something similar and honestly someone like Sarah just makes me sick. I am sorry you went through that and I am proud of you for continuing your studies.

OP responded:

Thank you Thank you Thank you 🫶🏻

butchspongebob wrote:

NTA and I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing for them to do. I know you love your brother but doing something like this warrants further examination of your relationships to both him and the fiancé. Not making you a bridesmaid while also choosing the woman who tried to ruin your life?

Why have they remained close with her since this happened to you, especially if they are fully aware of what went on? Why are they not choosing you to be in the wedding party after previously telling you you would be? Not only should you not go this wedding, you should consider whether or not these are really people you should have in your life at all.

OP responded:

I’ve asked myself a lot of these questions for the past couple years. I have even asked my brother and he never has a straight answer. I’m trying to salvage what I can of our relationship but I’m losing patience in trying without reciprocation.

Effective-Brief8295 wrote:

NTA.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much. Skip the wedding and go low or no contact with brother and soon to be SIL. Grey rock and don't let them into your personal life ever again.

You can forgive, but you don't need to forget what they have said and done to you. You can forgive and walk away so not to be traumatized more. God gives you free will, so that you can do that. He doesn't want you to carry your own burdens, but to give them to Him to carry. Give this to Him and walk away.

OP responded:

This is so well worded. Thank you 🫶🏻

DawnShakhar wrote:

NTA. Sarah is a b--ch, and your brother's fiance is a mean girl for asking her to be bridesmaid when she knows how hard that will be for you. You don't have to go. You need to take care of yourself and your own wellbeing. And if any of your family blame you for "ruining the wedding" tell them your FSIL ruined it for you by inviting the woman who ruined your life to be her bridesmaid.