'AITA for not going to my coworker’s birthday party? I just assumed I wasn't invited.' UPDATED

"AITA for not going to my coworker’s birthday party?"

So I (24F) work at a high school with my co-workers Carrie (29F), Leslie (26F) and Marissa (30F). All of us get along well, we eat lunch together everyday and go out for drinks to destress from work lol. Leslie and Marissa are a lot closer to Carrie than I am for context.

Two weeks ago, Carrie made a group chat with our co-workers for her 29th birthday party but I wasn’t included. I didn’t know until Leslie asked me what present I was buying for Carrie. When I told Leslie that I didn’t know about the party, she asked me if I was arguing with Carrie. Honestly I wasn’t mad about not being invited.

Me and Carrie aren’t that close and she can choose whoever she wants as her birthday guests. Leslie told me the date and place of Carrie’s party but I didn’t plan to go because I don’t want to be rude and come uninvited. Last Saturday was Carrie’s birthday. I sent her a happy birthday message and hope that she enjoys her day. Carrie said thank you and we had a small conversation about her plans.

I didn’t get an invite from her so I decided to stay home. On Sunday, I got some text messages from Marissa that went like this: Marissa: “Hey why didn’t you go to Carrie’s bday party last night?” Me: “Oh I’m not in her group chat so I thought that I wasn’t invited” Marissa: “didn’t Leslie tell you where it was? You could’ve shown up…”

Me: “Yeah but Carrie didn’t invite me, I don’t want to be rude by coming without her knowing” Marissa: “But still we’re coworker besties… you should’ve asked Carrie if you could go” Me: “If Carrie wanted me at her bday she would have told me. We talked yesterday morning” (convo ended there).

Today’s now Friday (5 days since then) and the three of them completely avoid me. We used to eat lunch together in the staff lounge but now they eat in Carrie’s classroom. And whenever I pass one of them during morning duty they just stare and ignore.

The past few days were really rough and I’ve cried during my lunches because they were my support system since I started teaching. I genuinely thought we were friends but now I’m just rethinking about everything. AITA for not going?

Commenters quickly piped in with their thoughts.

Vivid_Moter_2341 wrote:

Honestly, you should talk to Carrie about this. Let her nip it in the bud. I’m sure she won’t be happy. They’re trying to force someone she didn’t invite to go to her party.

OP responded:

Yes I’ve been trying to reach out to Carrie through texts and visiting her during her off period, but she’s giving me the cold shoulder too. I don’t know why things changed after 2 years

Educational-Bid-8421 wrote:

There's a saying, your work friends are just that, work friends and not outside of work. Keep your distance from work buddies in the future. Friendly is OK but don't let your guard down. These gals sound like mean girls from high school that didn't mature!

OP responded:

That’s true, I guess it’s hard for me to separate work from personal life because teaching literally takes up EVERYTHING 🥲 I’ve known them for 2 years and we really did get along well but I guess things can change

Active_Excitement813 wrote:

You weren't invited, so you didn't go. And even if you were invited, that doesn't make you an AH. Be careful though. I think someone is stirring the pot here. And I don't think it's OP.

Edit to add: NTA.

OP responded:

Thanks for the insight…I’m really hoping that no one’s trying to stir the pot cause I hate workplace drama. But I’m probably gonna cut ties with my coworkers for how they’re treating me, just really sucks right now.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Earlier today I sent a message to both Leslie and Marissa telling them how I felt. Leslie left me on read. Marissa sent me this text in verbatim: “Okay is that how you feel? After everything that I did to help you when you were struggling? Don't talk to me at work." Later Carrie asked if she can call me.

According to her, Leslie texted the group chat that I was going (even though I wasn’t invited??). So Carrie reserved a spot for me at her birthday dinner. When I didn’t show up, Carrie took it as me ghosting her. She was upset and told everyone else what happened, hence the silent treatment. I told her that I never got an invite and our previous conversation didn’t imply that I was attending.

We kept talking for a bit and in the end Carrie needed some time to think about the situation. Will I continue being friends with them? No. I’ll be cordial but keeping it strictly work-related. I’ll have to find some better friends. 🫠

TL;DR: Coworker planned a party that I wasn’t invited to. I chose not to go, but another coworker lied that I was attending. Everyone thought I bailed out and gave me the silent treatment. Lesson learned, don’t trust some of your coworkers. Workplace drama is not worth it.

The internet was in OP's corner.

Redwinedreamz wrote:

But if she'd shown up to the party, they would have gossiped endlessly about her being rude and a party crasher.

I suspect they're mad because she didn't play into their game.

Tiger_Dense wrote:

I would be upset if I learned my kids’ teachers were less mature than my children.

beachpellini wrote:

For a second I almost thought this was the other one where a bunch of women near or in their 30s were acting like high school mean girls with a woman significantly younger than them. Idk, man, it really seems like some people peak in high school and spend the rest of their lives trying to chase that high, acting petty with younger folk they see as a hotter/fitter/whatever-more-appealing threat.

real-nia wrote:

Their story just doesn't track. First, "reserving a spot" is not a big deal. It does not cost money to make a reservation. They're high school teachers so I doubt they were eating anywhere that a reservation had significant consequences (like the restaurant not seating you until your entire party arrives).

Second: they never texted her "hey, are you running late?" Or "we're at a table near the back!" Or anything at all to follow up when they got there? They clearly did not care that she wasn't there. All this "ghosting" business and inability to properly communicate is such a high school teenager issue, not something grown adults should be doing.