Woman questions attending sister's wedding; 'I don’t want to put myself in a torturous situation.' AITA?
"AITA for not going to my sister's wedding?"
ResponsibleFig5208
My sister (early 20s) is marrying her boyfriend of ten years. Family and friends are invited to a skiing location for two days to celebrate. From where I (late 20s) live, it takes 3 hours to get there, and it’s pretty much impossible without a car (I don’t have a driver’s licence).
My sister and I don’t have a close relationship. She’s kind of a brat. She’s into material beauty, luxury items, clothes, design kitchenware. Two years in a row, she has complained that she has not gotten anything from me for Christmas, knowing I don’t have the money to buy her a gift worth $100-350 or more (I’m on welfare and in therapy).
Last year, I tried talking to her about issues in the family. During that conversation, she attacked the way I behave towards our mother. She said the way I saw reality can’t be trusted.
This is something both my mom and sister have said multiple times during my childhood. She told me she didn’t believe anything I said about our childhood. She told me I was selfish for letting my mental illnesses lead to hurt and disappointment in others.
This year, she’s finishing her studies to become a nurse. A few days later, I got a looong text. She wrote that the way I act and live affects her and our parents and that having problems doesn’t allow you to, “destroy others around you”.
She also compared me to my uncle, a serious addict who had a tragic fate. I’ll be honest here, I’ve leaned on my parents for money. I also live in an apartment they bought and spent a year convincing me that they would like me to move into.
I am now diagnosed with severe recurring depression related to family. They know, but pretends it doesn’t exist. They all say they cannot understand how it became like this, but they don’t believe in my explanations. Truth is my mother has used me as a shrink for as long as I can remember, and made me not trust my own thoughts.
I was 6 years old when she said that “if things didn’t get better soon, I’m gonna leave”, on the verge of tears. I’ve spent my childhood in a constant fear of my family falling apart. She later said: “I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here!”.
When I was at University, she used to call me crying after fights with my sister, saying how no one understood her but me, talking about how bad it was between my father and her, how she didn’t know if she could take it anymore. She has leaned on me my whole life, while emotionally tearing me (and everyone else around her) down.
I can’t remember a single time when she has supported me emotionally or given me the strength to believe in myself. So I don’t feel like I should put myself in a torturous situation for them.
I dread being surrounded by people who don’t acknowledge who I am or what I have been through, with friends who either don’t know what’s been going on, doesn’t accept it or (probably) thinks I am the AH and my mother is a saint for dealing with me, the black sheep and troublesome child.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
growsonwalls
NTA but get your act together. You're in your late 20s, unemployed, on welfare, rely on your parents. Work on you.
The OP responded here:
ResponsibleFig5208
Thanks, I am getting my act together but this post wasn't about that and I had to cut something for it to fit. :) Four years ago I went into a panic attack every time I thought about my family so the therapy is helping.
Canadian_01
Not going to your sister's wedding will be a statement, it sounds like. But maybe a statement it's time to make. They planned a wedding they want, and you simply either can't or don't want to go badly enough to find a way to get there.
You have dependencies, on your family for money, and on the taxpayers to fund your living, and on therapy. You need to get your stuff together and take accountability for your own life. If you can't afford to go to the wedding, don't go. But yes, it does say 'I am having difficulties in that I am not able to come to my sister's wedding'.
If you are going to let depression take over your life, and blame your family for your problems, you won't have a great life. Therapy is great, hopefully they're telling you to deal with the past WHILE MOVING FORWARD. How do you plan on creating a life for yourself? Support yourself? Follow your dreams? Be your own person, not in relation to how you fit in your family's eyes?
Figure THAT stuff out, and until then, if you can't afford to do something, that is no one else's problem except your own. YOu either ask for a ride or borrow money, but it's no one's responsibility but your own and they can say no and it's not their fault.
The OP again responded here:
ResponsibleFig5208
Yep, it will be a statement. I'll probably be blamed for being selfish and exploitative... But I really want to just not deal with these horrid family dynamics anymore. I am moving forward, have good friendships I've worked hard for, and I have dreams I'm setting specific goals towards and reaching.
Four years ago, I had massive problems opening up to anyone else, trusted no one, and had convinced myself I was brought up in a loving, normal family, so I'm really doing a lot better now. Seeing myself more clearly and taking large steps toward standing on my own and living the life I want, and figuring out what that looks like.
ZeroGeoWife
YTA. For the “she’s into luxury items” comment. So what? “She just finished her degree in nursing” And? Because she likes nice things and was able to get her act together is why you don’t have a relationship?
Stop blaming other people for your issues. You want to be NC from your family? Great. Stop living off of them. Stop living off the government and get your own life together. No one wants to be around a depressed person. Chances are she doesn’t want anything more than a healthy happy sister.
Worth-Season3645
NTA…for not attending your sister’s wedding. Just rsvp no. If sis or mom give you grief, just respond either way her text. “Since I seem to be such a burden to the family, as you state, I not sure why you want me at your wedding. Care to explain?”.
But, honestly, you need to stop depending on said family so much, start working on things to get out on your own and away from your toxic family. You cannot say in one breath how bad they all are for you but then live in an apartment paid by them and ask for money from them. As to this, I think your sister has a point.