"AITA for not helping out my boyfriend financially?"
Hi. I am extremely confused about this and had been debating for days whether to post it here. I am 32 F and my boyfriend is 31 M. I work in finance and make pretty good money.
I live alone in my house that I own, drive a 2 year old car, and takes multiple vacations and trips every year. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now and it's casual. I have told him I am not looking for any long term relationship.
My boyfriend is divorced with 3 kids. They live with their mom full time cause he has no house. I have never met them and intend to keep it that way. Though he has a decent job, the kids' mom won't or can't work and major chunk of his salary goes to alimony and child support. He shares a rented apartment with a friend.
When we started dating, I knew he had way less money to spend. I just liked his company so I paid for the dates. Lately though he has been getting on my case about how much I spend.
I normally just laugh off the comments cause I know he is straining financially. But last week when I invited him over a trip to Europe this summer, just for two weeks and he got mad at me.
He went on a rant about how I never even offer him to move in or loan him money to get his life on track. I was taken aback and told him I am not his bank. He said it's not about being bank but it was how I lacked basic empathy.
That I knew he had no funds to even takes his kids out for a proper day out, no place to stay with them overnight and yet I never offered to help. That all I do is spend money on stupid selfish things.
I asked him to leave. He left. Afterwards he did call me and apologize profusely saying he was upset cause he had seen his kids that day and they said something like he hated them cause he won't take them out.
He was just frustrated with his situation and then I offered to take him on an international trip. I got where he was coming from and has accepted the apology. But this still bugs me. AITA for not helping my boyfriend financially?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Did I read this wrong? Did you offer to bankroll the international trip or just ask if he wants to go on a trip with you and he pays for his trip and you pay for yours?
I would be covering the entire trip.
Not an attack, not at all, just trying to understand, but why would you do that? Why would you offer to bankroll a man?
I wanted to go anyways and I am not a solo travellor. I like having someone with me. He seemed like a great option.
Whenever I travel I always take someone with me. It's sometimes my friends, sometimes my mom or guy I am currently dating. Whoever it is I always offer to fund the entire trip cause going is my prerogative.
I know none of them has the kind of funds I have and have them make a dent in their budget on a trip I want to go to never seemed fair. Most of them do chip in after all, but even if they don't, I am fine.
There is occasional times when some of my friends recommends places and we plan trip together. We split those. So it's not about bankrolled any specific person, rather paying for a trip I wanna take and am inviting the person to join me.
anitarielleliphe
Run away from this guy, even though you say you never intend to have anything more than a casual relationship. There are so, so many red flags, including:
You have ONLY been dating casually for 5 months, and he feels entitled to your money, and upset that you are not providing a roof over his head. You have already been way too generous by paying for dates and offering to take him on a trip and pay for it. DO NOT.
tinyd71
You've been dating someone casually for five months. It's far too early in a relationship to have the sort of financial dynamic he's suggested he wants, and spending your own money on things you want is not "selfish". NTA for not becoming his bank machine.
demon803
NTA, he got himself into the situation, it is not now, nor will it ever be your responsibility to take care of his alimony ad child support. You are not his bank, and it sounds like he just want to use you for your money.
fckinsleepless
NTA and I’m betting he’s relying on the idea that he moves in with you. Additionally If you don’t intend to meet his kids, you should split, because wherever he lives he will also have his kids over.
SushiGuacDNA
NTA. The boyfriend shouldn't be expecting a five-month girlfriend to be covering finances for his kids! Yes, he has worked himself into a bad financial situation. Yes you have worked yourself into an excellent financial situation. That doesn't mean, after five months, that you should be supporting him!
Zia-C
NTA. You’re not selfish for spending your money however you like and his kids are not your responsibility, especially since you want to keep the relationship casual. But why are you with him if you don’t see a future together? It seems like you two aren’t compatible. He comes attached with 3 kids that you have no desire to meet.
teresajs
NTA. It's too early in this casual relationship for you to be paying for a two week holiday for him, not to mention for him to expect you to invite him to live with you. You aren't interested in ever meeting his kids, and he's looking for someone to support him and his kids. The two of you aren't compatible for any long term relationship. Just break things off now.