'AITA for not immediately granting my ex 50/50 custody of our son?'

"AITA for not immediately giving my ex 50/50 custody?"

I 33f dated Paul 38m for about 7 years. When I got pregnant with my son (6 M) we were both very excited, he wasn’t planned but we both wanted him. We made plans, he proposed, we were talking about just going to the courthouse or having a wedding after the baby was here but when I was 7 months pregnant he left me for a coworker.

I had no backbone back then, even though it was our apartment he kicked me out and I tried making it work staying in our city. I didn’t want a random roommate with a baby and even studio apartments in bad areas were crazy expensive. One of his couple friends were letting me stay with them, but I really didn’t have any other friends who had stayed in the city.

I gave birth there and I did really try to make it work but when my son was 6 months I had to move back to my hometown in the Midwest. He resented me a lot for it and I ended up having to put him on formal child support for him to send me any money.

I stayed with my parents for a while but now own my home and we really made a great life here. Sometimes Paul would fly in and see our son, he has probably only ever had him overnight like five times though.

Anyways yeah that’s the background, but Paul and his new wife are moving to my town in a few weeks, which is great, but the other day he texted me saying that it would work best for him and his wife Angie to do switchovers every Wednesday. I’d been asking him about where they were going to live (like the area) to see about custody stuff and this was the first thing he said about it.

To be clear I am fine with going to 50/50 custody over time in a reasonable way. I’m not trying to keep my son from his dad at all! But everything I’ve read says that starting it slowly is best for my son. We’re obviously very close so this is going to be a fragile transition for him to not always be living with me. I want this to be a positive experience for my son and not traumatic!

I think starting with every other weekend and then some school nights to help transition it, but he’s being really rude about it. I’m ok financially but things are still hard, I’d rather not have to resort to lawyers and waste money when I am willing to go towards 50/50! He just keeps calling me bitter and ungrateful and saying I just want child support. That he hardly ever pays btw.

I was venting to a coworker and he told me that what Paul was doing was so impressive and I needed to put more effort into making it work. He said I should be more grateful that Paul is moving here for his son and to be more easygoing. So now I’m wondering if I’m the a$$hole and being bitter and ungrateful?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

ProfessorDistinct835 said:

NTA. Go to court and sue him for back child support. And don't agree to change your custody arrangement. Make HIM go to court to get that done.

You owe him nothing. Letting the courts sort it out is your best course of action.

NYCStoryteller said:

NTA. First of all, take him to court, and tell them that he's not up to date with child support. Show the receipts.

Secondly, he's had very little contact with his child over the years. It's reasonable to tell the judge that you're open to a step-up plan to move towards 50/50, but that your ex is practically a stranger to him and has not ben an involved parent, and you want him to start with regular visitation, and work up to overnights and eventually 50/50.

Thirdly, stop talking to him except through a co-parenting app approved through the court. Everything needs to be documented if he's going to engage in hostile behavior.

Finally, you may need to lawyer up. Figure out where you're going to get the resources for family court.

sfrancisch5842 said:

I can say this with certainty - courts don’t look too favorably on parents who don’t pay the required child support. Do NOT give in to his demands because he is insulting you. Make him go to court. Make him pay the child support. If you don’t “need” The money, put it into savings first your son. For his future. He deserves that.

Additionally, to avoid making things traumatic… perhaps work with a child therapist to help your son transition slowly into overnights?

OP responded:

I just don’t think I could afford for a long trial with lawyers. Even a retainer is expensive.

-Nightopian- said:

OP please don't waste your time with the idiots on this sub. These people have no understanding on how the world works.

You can't afford a lawyer and your goal is to move toward 50/50 so getting a lawyer would be a waste of money since you're not fighting for custody. You two are simply disagreeing with how to begin the transition, if anything you might need a mediator. His approach is too fast and I feel your approach will be too slow. You both need to compromise here to resolve this dispute like adults.

One idea is to let them spend time together daily so the kid gets more comfortable around him. Let the kid spend sleep at his place for the weekend and see how your kid feels afterwards. How your son feels is the most important way to determine how to navigate this. If the kid is happy then you can speed up the process or slow it down if he's reluctant.

OP responded:

I don’t know. I think he’s just trying to strong arm me and I can’t do that again. I had no choice but to move back home, he kicked me out. I don’t know why you’d give him any credit for finally living near your son, he had no excuse. He’s also from here originally and his parents are here.