'AITA for not inviting my high school best friend to my wedding celebration?' UPDATED
"AITA for not inviting my high school best friend to my wedding celebration?"
My best friend from high school, let’s call her Sara, (we are both women in our early 30s) and I had been spending more time together recently because she was going through a traumatic experience and I wanted to be there for her. But we are by no means as close as we were in HS and I felt like she was having trouble accepting that.
She knew I was getting married but we hadn’t planned anything. Edit: she asked me what I was doing and I told her I didn’t know. But I asked her for if she had any suggestions. she said “I don’t know but tell me when it is!”. I responded OK because I didn’t have any idea what we were doing, if anything, and to her that was an official “invite” to my wedding.
I got married at city hall and had a dinner afterwards. The dinner was scheduled super last minute, like the night before. My husband asked me to only bring one person because he wanted to be comfortable and all his friends are not in the country.
The only people in attendance were my mom, my best friend J (who I’ve known for about a decade) and another really close friend N (6 years), who my husband is really comfortable around and they’re really good friends too. 5 people total including the newlyweds.
My mom posted a photo of us on Facebook and Sara saw it and was super pissed. She sent me a long text about how awful I am and how I traumatized her and how could I invite this other friend (that I’ve known for less time) and not her.
She was totally skeptical of me telling her my husband was actually the one that invited her. Sara said I should have called her to let her know she was no longer invited to my wedding which is insane to me because I didn’t have any plans when I “invited her”. Also i have many other good friends who I didn’t invite and they were totally fine with that.
For me marrying wasn’t a huge deal, but for her all she wants is to be married and I would be her maid of honor etc. Sara doesn’t want to be my friend anymore because of this. Now my day is clouded over the fact that I lost a friendship. I guess this was always meant to happen but am I in the wrong here for not inviting/communicating that Sara wasn’t invited?
What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:
analyst19 said:
Gonna go ESH. Sara majorly overreacted and it sounds like it’s better if she’s out of your life. On the other hand, one of the top rules of life is don’t talk about an event to someone who isn’t invited to said event. You asked her for recommendations and didn’t invite her - that’s rude.
It’s also makes no sense; if you only wanted a courthouse wedding and simple dinner, why would you need recommendations? And once you made the basic plans, would it have been that bad to have Sara at the courthouse and then the restaurant?
Such-Masterpiece5372 said:
Yea you're the a$$hole because you did invite her then ghosted her. "I don't know but tell me when it is!" And you confirmed it with "ok" and you didn't do it. Terrible friend.
Fearless_Spring5611 said:
YTA. So you kept things loose and informal with Sara, not taking up her offer to help or ask if she could help out with everything, and then have the gall to blame her for your terrible communication?
Blanchecole4564 said:
YTA. Communication is key and you evidently failed at it. Keep your plans clear to avoid drama.
And HarveySnake said:
You screwed up and not just with Sara. Every friend or family member who found out after the fact was insulted by you. Marriage is one of the big milestones in life and for any milestone all the people who have supported you in some way want to be part of it.
Now being “part of it” doesn’t necessarily mean “physically present” but making them aware you had this plan and giving them the opportunity to reach out. You should have made an announcement of your plans to your friends and family. “Going to be married at such-n-such date.
We’ve decided for a courthouse wedding and a small dinner for 5 after and no reception or other celebration. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Love “ Finding out from someone else’s social media post just makes everyone feel like they never mattered in your life. YTA
Most commenters agreed, YTA.
She later shared this update:
Thanks for the thoughtful responses! There are definitely some insightful comments here and I appreciate the feedback. Here are the main takeaways that I got from here which I will apply for the future:
- I should have communicated she wasn’t invited the night before when a dinner was scheduled. The fact that I forgot about her entirely was disrespectful to her. Not having her there though was not the problem here.
- I shouldn’t have been so inclusive in asking suggestions when she asked me about my wedding since I didn’t know what we were doing. Avoiding talking about it would have been better. This is an honest mistake as I thought maybe we would have a bigger celebration and she’d be invited.
I didn’t see my “OK” as an invitation so much as an acquiescence forced upon me but if I had said “I don’t know who is going to be invited” that might have been rude to say but at least more honest. If I didn’t say “ok” I could’ve avoided the mess and not hurt her feelings later.
- Either way her not being there would have hurt her feelings even if I communicated that sooner. I think she would cut the friendship over not being invited.
- Either way the friendship had been in the background of my life for many years before this so it’s for the best that we finally let it go. We would catch up maybe once a year at most. People grow apart. I’m just sad it had to end in such an explosive way.
I have tried apologizing which she hasn’t accepted. Without the intention of rekindling a close friendship I don’t want to push her too hard to make up. There were many things that felt off with us before this happened. But going forward I can avoid setting expectations by being clear and upfront in my communication.
Hopefully I never get married again and this is the one time this happens because I honestly hate all the importance our culture places on marriage! For me it was definitely not a “major milestone” in my life. I love my husband but for us the day was more of a formality for us to stay together than anything else.