'AITA for not leaving the bathroom when my roommate's child needed it?' MAJORLY UPDATED

To leave the bathroom or not leave the bathroom while you're brushing your teeth: that is the question.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman shared her quandary with her roommate's kid. She wrote:

"AITA for not leaving the bathroom when a child needed it?"

Hey everybody. This sounds kind of stupid to me but maybe my perspective is wrong. My friend/roommate (M30's) who we can call Kevin has an 11-year old daughter who we can call Rachel. For context purposes, she has no physical disabilities or bladder control issues. She doesn't live with us full time but she does come every other weekend and on some weekends for visitation.

Every time she does, she's always expecting people to do a lot of stuff for her that she could do herself such as 'my dad will carry my stuff/get my drinks/plate my food/give me some of his drink/food after I finished mine because he loves me.' This came to the point where Kevin actually (finally) told her last night that she can stop coloring for long enough to get her own water.

We live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 1 bathroom. When I (F20's) went in this morning to brush my teeth, Rachel came over and said she needed to use the bathroom; I told her to wait and that she can't try to kick me out every time she wants to pee (this was at least the fourth time she's done so this weekend).

Kevin tried to tell me that I should leave so that she can use the bathroom because using the toilet takes priority over everything else. To be clear, she came in while I was already in the process and not asking once she saw me. She waited for a maximum of two and a half minutes.

Once I was out, Kevin and I had a brief discussion in which he expressed that he felt it was inappropriate for me to make either him or Rachel wait when I was not physically using the toilet. My stance is that if someone is doing a short task, they are there first, and it is not an emergency, they should wait their turn. This seemed to be the common rule of shared bathrooms to me, but maybe I was wrong. AITA?

The internet was quick to respond.

thatblossom123 wrote:

NTA, you were there first, it wasn't an emergency, she has done this before a handful of times, and brushing your teeth is a short task, so she wouldn't have to wait long, whether or not she had an emergency. I, myself, and everyone else in my household have to abide by this rule too, unless it is an emergency, so it's nothing major here to cause a problem.

usurperok wrote:

Nope...time to learn respect...manners.

OP responded:

On which side? Because if there's a rule that I'm unaware of and not respecting then I need to fix that on my end.

Tealcandtrip wrote:

I think that person means the kid, not you lol.

OP responded:

That was my thought as well but it was important to me to be sure.

tealcandtrip wrote:

No rule. It's first come first serve. If both get there at the same time, it is by urgency and courtesy. If you can hold it, then let the other person go. If you are in and someone else needs it, don't linger. If it is full, you can knock and request they hurry please. If it is urgent for them and you can step out in between switching tasks, then do so. Switching tasks is like brushing teeth, then styling your hair.

Emergencies happen rarely, but unless she is about to soil herself, she can wait a short time. If she needs unfettered access to a bathroom, he should take her to the doctor or find another living situation where she has that. You pay rent. You get to use the bathroom like a reasonable person.

OP commented:

Additional information that a friend of mine thought that it was important to mention: I was already in the process of brushing my teeth when she came over and asked me to leave. She said that she didn't have to go badly but she did notice that she had to go when she heard me going in.

Significant-Stage-54 wrote:

She sounds like a manipulative little girl. She and “her daddy” can get a grip and learn to be better roommates. And, I would shut and lock the door each time and would ignore any knocks no matter what I was doing in there. Did she even say “good morning.

Would you mind if I used the restroom real fast?” Ugh- raising a kid no one will want to be around. If this guy is more than a friend/roommate to you, I say you are in for a long bumpy ride.

OP responded:

He's not going to be asked to renew the lease next year for a multitude of reasons.

ElleJaek wrote:

When you use the bathroom, close the door. Not their business what you are doing in there. Lock it for good measure.

NTA.

OP responded:

That's what it looks like I will have to do.

No-Mango8923 wrote:

Did she pee herself?

I'm edging with NTA, with the caveat that she doesn't have some sort of UTI (or cystitis type thing) going on that means she's triggered by taps running and needs to pee frequently (been there, not fun).

OP responded:

No, absolutely not - if this was medical I would have gotten out of the way right away. She had no urgent need at all (I checked with them afterwards).

Repulsive_Towel_1879 wrote:

NTA. If it's an emergency, fine then I'll get it if the way. But otherwise just say you'll be done in 5 minutes. However, if you are in there for 30 minutes that's too long and you need to respect other people's needs. And if you need to be in there for 30+ minutes then announce you're about to use the bathroom for ## minutes and if anybody needs to pee, go now.

OP responded:

That's definitely an important rule that I try to follow especially because I know that as soon as I hear water (like for a shower) I can't hold it for super long.

In a few update comments, OP laid out the rent situation with Kevin.

He makes more money than I do and buys the food (and occasional household supplies like toilet paper) - but he pays less because he, in his own words, does not know how to manage his money and I am paying the majority. She also isn't around too often and her biggest cost if probably the food that she eats, but he does pay for that.

My original understanding was that he was struggling with his mental health because he has trauma, depression, and anxiety. These things are true. So do I, so I wanted to be supportive. We were good friends before he moved in. The issue is that I have seen over the past two years that he is not just struggling, he's doing nothing about it.

For five years of us being friends he said he was going to get into therapy, but he hasn't. Now it's more than just the money. He's barely doing chores, I just got him to start paying rent consistently a month ago, and he spends half his time not at work not doing anything helpful because he 'has a headache'.

Six months later, OP shared an update.

Hi, everyone - I want to thank the people that responded to my post. Some of you were greatly concerned about the situation that I was living in and mentioned that my roommate was taking advantage of me. You were right. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that he was to leave within 30 days after he had not paid rent yet again.

We tried conversations, but they all turned back on how after months of not stepping up to the plate of shared responsibilities, it was my fault somehow. He claimed that it was because he spent too much money feeding himself, myself, and Rachel that he could not pay rent - but I feed myself on about $50 a week with a fairly healthy diet.

He claimed that he could not help clean much because he was too exhausted from his job - but I used to do something similar and I cleaned after myself and my mom (she was sick and could not do much). He claimed that everything was 'my way or the highway' and that I never listened to him - right after admitting that I was always supportive, encouraging, and ready to listen.

He claimed that I was making his life difficult. When he was told to leave, he behaved was though he was an angry teenager being grounded. He tried to say that he was going to get lawyers involved. Although by law where I am, I only had to give him two weeks since he had procrastinated for so long on signing the lease that he was only able to sign as a co-signer and not a tenant.

The extra two weeks he received were not required. He said I've made his life awful ever since his daughter was diagnosed with diabetes - and, for context, I had to do most of the 'parent type' conversations on following house rules because he was too overwhelmed; if I did not want to be tripping over her things, stepping on her toys, picking up her food garbage, and more, then I had to ask.

Otherwise, he would just ask her to do it, then sit idly by as nothing changed an hour later. That was just me trying to survive the times she was there. He said that:

I was heartless and cruel for making him homeless 'and on the holidays.'

I ruined his life. Even though he cared about me I clearly did not care about him and that I was just like everyone else. He hoped I was happy. He was glad I was alone and told me 'good luck paying rent now.' The point is, you were right. You were so right.

And your encouragements to do better for myself than being in this situation were a massive help in making him leave; I had a severe medical emergency recently and when I came home alone, I was reminded of how much happier I will always be without all of that going on in my life. So thank you. All of you. You saw more of who he was in five minutes than I did in years of friendship.

With your kindness and the support of a friend of mine who stayed on the phone with me during his tantrum to help me stay strong, I am finally a free, happy young woman ready to resume my adventures in this world.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

hadMcDofordinner wrote:

...struggling with his mental health because he has trauma, depression, and anxiety. I missed the original post but I did see you had written the above to explain why you made some decisions. It's sad but in today's world, people are always talking about metal health, etc.

But being a good person has nothing to do with mental health. You don't get to mistreat the people around you because you say you have issues. I'm glad you've come through this. Enjoy enjoy enjoy.

Noodle227 wrote:

“Good luck paying rent now”

Umm…from what I read, this guy wasn’t paying his share of rent and op said again, so to me that sounds like he’s not paid more than once. So it sounds like op is fine without him. OP, glad to hear you are happy now.

UncleCeiling wrote:

You're "just like everyone else."

Dude's complaining everyone around him smells like shit when he really needs to check his shoes. If every person he meets doesn't like him, perhaps he needs to look at the common factor.

runofab**ch wrote:

WOW. Reading the OP and then your update, this read like an abusive relationship! He was using you for all this and you weren't even in a romantic relationship? Can't imagine why he's a single dad. YEESH. Google "DARVO" if you want validation that his response was absolute 🗑. Good on you. Enjoy your freedom (and the new collection of red flags to watch for!)

lemon_charlie wrote:

He was making everything around him and his daughter, who was learning entitlement from him. If he's so bad with money he needs to learn how to be better before he has none left. But this is none of your responsibility, and hopefully you'll get a new roommate who isn't as high maintenance.

Sounds like OP got away from a very stressful situation.