'AITA for not letting my BF grieve his grandma with family because I'm sick?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not letting my BF grieve?"

Backstory: My boyfriend’s grandpa passed away 4 days ago. When he passed we met all of his family at a small ER to say our goodbyes. The ER made everyone wear masks. Due to a sickness going around the hospital. So two days ago I started to feel really bad body aches, sore throat etc.

Keep in mind I’m 18 weeks pregnant. I told him how I felt and he basically said he doesn’t want to get sick because his grandpa's funeral is coming up. I told him I was feeling weak as well as hungry and didn’t want to drive myself home then be hungry once I got there. I asked him if he was okay with helping me for the night and I’ll leave in the morning.

Basically just bring me some food to the room so I wouldn’t contaminate any other areas of the house. He told me he had a lot on his mind and wasn’t in the right head space to help me. So I told him I understand and left. When I got home I made something small to eat then went to sleep. Yesterday morning he calls and checks on me. I tell him how I feel more sick than when I left.

He just says okay. The rest of the day he has family over until about 3am just offering their condolences and keeping his family company. Around 4pm I called and asked him for help to see if he could bring me something to eat because all I had the strength to get myself were just snacks like chips, cereal. No real meals and I wanted to make sure I had enough in me for the baby.

He basically brushed me off saying he has no idea how he could help and said I was selfish for not thinking about him grieving and how he was stressed and had a million things on his mind. He also told me that I was being evil because I said he wasn’t helping me at all. After that I just hung up.

He called me at 3am when everyone left to sleep on the phone with me but hung up 20 mins later said he would call back but didn’t. Now I don’t want to speak to him at all. But don’t want to cause him more stress when he’s already sad about his grandpa.

I want to know if I’m an AH for not respecting his time for grieving. Also would I be an AH for not talking to him today. I know how It feels to lose your grandpa when you’re so close with him. But at the same time I just asked for a little bit of help and don’t feel like I was asking him for a lot.

Most medications you can’t take during pregnancy because they have bad side effects for the fetus. So I’ve just been waiting It out and he knows that as well.

After the post got traction, OP shared an update.

Update: It’s been decided I am the AH here and that is fine. But for the ones wondering about DoorDash and other options. I recently just paid my bills and I made groceries for his place since I would be there with him during this time. So unfortunately I cannot afford DoorDash at the moment but that would’ve been my first option.

I didn’t bring any food with me because all of the groceries really have to be cooked besides snacks. Also I know he is grieving and would’ve never said anything but if he was okay enough to do favors for others yesterday he could’ve picked up some food and left It at my door step.

Didn’t even have to come inside. Also I have family and friends but getting them to do things for me is a bit of a challenge and I learned a while ago to stop asking. It’s really just been me and him caring for one another. But after reading some of your comments I understand how I came off as needy. Thank you for your responses 🫶🏾🫶🏾

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Edit: I speak to my family everyday we are close in that way. I see them every week as well. No bad blood between us. My friends don’t live close to me to where it’s easy to just drop off food and go.

My parents on the other hand do. But now that I’m an adult and since my other siblings have had children my parents tend to them. I have two siblings who aren’t in their kids lives atm due to their own faults so my parents step in.

When I ask for help where they have to physically do something since I was a kid It was always I’m tired this or I do t feel like going here that. But when they ask me they feel like im just supposed to do whatever It is they ask. So yeah, I never call on them first. I call on my boyfriend we’ve been together 3 years.

The internet was very opinionated.

MiscreantMarsupial wrote:

YTA. People get sick all the time. It's a normal experience that a normal adult should be able to handle on her own. It's crazy to me that you feel entitled to catering while your boyfriend is thinking about a funeral, receiving condolences, and grieving a grandparent

What have you done for your bf since he lost his grandfather? Did you make him meals, buy snacks, offer to help with flowers for the funeral? You owe him some extra care right now, not the other way around - 18 weeks pregnant or not.

DragonSirens wrote:

NAH. You’re both coming from understandable points and this is just unfortunate timing. I would focus more on making sure the baby is okay and sorting this out later.

I would also think about assessing your bf as a partner and you as a person, whether he can put you and your family first, if you are able to step up should he be unavailable, are the answers to those questions something you can live with, etc. hoping for the best for you OP!

Phoridaythe13th wrote:

NTA. Uh. 18 weeks pregnant. With HIS child. Sick. Bought food for his place, can’t afford DoorDash. Doesn’t have family to help. Doesn’t have friends available to help. Did not ask to be coddled, only for a food drop off. No contact. At the door.

BF left OP without the smallest of help. No, they didn’t need to chat long at 3am. That sounds like a case of the pregnancy sick saddo thing. Happens! But the basic food thing? That is not at all a huge ask.

I have been that pregnant person who is sick. I dealt with it solo, even though I was married. But come on. It is not needy to ask for food. There are lots of meds you cannot take during a pregnancy. A simple bug can feel worse than usual. Such a lack of kindness. Holy crap. You’d think she asked for his paycheck and a foot rub! “But baaaaby! I’m siiiiick. Stay with me! Pwease?” No. That was not the case.

DRanged691 wrote:

YTA. I fully get needing help when you're sick, but this is when you call literally anyone else, order delivery, or you suck it up and survive off snacks or pasta and sauce for a few days. Your boyfriend just lost his grandfather and is dealing with the after death stuff with his family. He told you, repeatedly, that he didn't have the capacity to help you, but you refused to listen.

Gold-Flaked-Paint wrote:

NTA. I doubt the other commenters saying Y T A have actually been pregnant and sick at the same time. Not having enough food to eat in that situation can make you physically very weak. (It would be another story if food delivery was an option for you, but based on your edit, it’s not.)

You were not being needy or entitled. You needed him to help care for you and he refused. I understand he’s going through a tough time, but you are literally carrying his child. All you asked for was some food, which would not take a lot of his time or attention. You and the baby need to be his first priority from now on, and it’s concerning that this doesn’t seem to be the case.

War_Damn wrote:

NTA, I'm sorry that teenagers with absentee dads online don't understand how hard pregnancy can be on a woman on top of what sounds like C0VID you got from going to support him or what being a father looks like. My dad would have never have left my mom alone and sick while she was pregnant with me or even today with no food or help.

At the least your boyfriend could have asked a less close/less grieving relative to make sure the mother of his child has food (drop off a plate or whatever).