We like to do a few short trips during school holidays instead of a big vacation once a year. SIL and MIL tagged along once on such a trip (1 week, sunny destination, 2 hours flight). Sister-in-law is now pissed because we booked a new trip without her, according to her she also needs a vacation and we knew that.
The problem is, going on vacation together was fun, but more difficult than when I go on vacation with just my wife and daughter (3f). They do not take into account the fact that a child is on vacation with us. We arrange everything in terms of accommodation/activities so that we as parents have a nice vacation, but it is also fun for our daughter.
Some extra planning and a certain structure in advance makes for an easier vacation with a child. First SIL tried to manipulate or guilt trip our daughter (don't know the right word) to be allowed to go on vacation with us. “Why can’t I go on holiday with you”, “Auntie would also like to fly again”, “Auntie thinks it’s sad that she can’t go with you” are just a few comments that I heard her say to our daughter.
I explicitly told her that she shouldn’t do that to a child and that it is also very hurtful for us and her. SIL’s next idea blew me away: She suggested to a 3-year-old to go on holiday with her and the grandmother (SIL and MIL) without us. Who tells or suggests something like that to a child?
I hate being cornered like that, as parents we have to disappoint our child because SIL doesn’t have the sense to keep her mouth shut. Those people are also not suited to go on holiday alone with a child because they only think of themselves.
Last time (daughter was 2) they were already nagging about the following things: Didn’t want to go to lunch at 12.00 because they weren’t hungry, didn’t listen to the fact that daughter was hungry. Complaining because we didn't want to go to an evening market at 20.00 and we were already putting our daughter to bed. Didn't want to play in the pool because splashing water was too cold. Etc.
They claim that we as parents would then also have a week of rest, but I think the opposite would be true. We would be exhausted from the stress for a week and wouldn't sleep. I don't like that idea, my wife doesn't like that idea, but my SIL and MIL are making us feel guilty to do it anyway. I don't know what to say anymore. AITA not to let our daughter go?
Red-Phone-Box wrote:
NTA - But you’re not saying a lot about your wife’s reaction to all this. It needs nipping in the bud right now, and she should be leading the way.
OP responded:
My wife was not present when I heard her sister speak to our daughter. I told her this incident in the evening. She herself could not believe that her sister would propose such a thing and is very much against the idea. We have agreed to make it clear together at the next opportunity that we do not want her to go on holiday with us and that she can no longer propose that to a child.
appleblossom1962 wrote:
NTA let’s face it in all honesty once we have children, especially when they’re that little our lives pretty much revolve around them. Children thrive on routine, when you’re on vacation, you need to be extra patient with them because they’re excited, just like at Christmas time.
You need to be sensitive to the little ones needs. Doesn’t sound like SIL is very interested in doing that. She just wants to go have fun. Maybe she and MIL should go on a vacation just the two of them. I think you’re doing a good job.
OP responded:
Thanks, nice to hear! Structure and planning sounds boring, but it is necessary for a good holiday. It works for us, they don't see it at all. My MIL has two children, but seems to have already forgotten what it's like to take care of small kids. SIL is single, has no children and is already overstimulated after a few hours at family gatherings. Better that they take a holiday under the two of them.
toiletconfession wrote:
Info: did you pay or they pay (for themselves) last year? If they were paying for themselves why did they need to eat when you did? I'm going on holiday with my family next week with 18mo up to 18yo and we are all doing our own thing (I think my nephew and his gf are going to a rave so I'm definitely not doing that 😂).
Basically no one in my family will want to be on 18mo schedule but we will meet up daily or try have breakfast together daily. I wouldn't go on holiday with my family if I had to spend every waking second with them!
OP responded:
They paid for themselves. Their point is, going on holiday together is doing everything together. We see it differently, that's why we also rented our own rooms at the time and I certainly didn't want to rent one large apartment.
Cursd818 wrote:
NTA. You and your wife need to make a firm statement that their blatant attempts at manipulation are completely unacceptable and psychologically dangerous to your daughter's developing mind, and that if they repeat this behaviour, the visits will end.
The second they start using manipulative language designed to make any of you feel guilty, you leave at once or hang up the phone. The only way they will learn not to do it is if there are immediate consequences which also protect your daughter.
Greedy_Literature_58 wrote:
TELL SIL TO TAKE HER BROOM AND FLY ANYWHERE SHE DESIRES! You might also explain to her that you WILL keep YOUR DAUGHTER away from ANYONE that insists on putting wild notions in her head, such as going WITHOUT MOM AND DAD!
Your daughter can't completely communicate her wants and needs in a way to impress upon SIL and MIL what she expects from you. You know her meal times and nap and bed times, they have shown you they don't CARE. Tell them maybe when she turns 18 but not to bring it up with your daughter unless they want you to go no contact. NTAH.