Mother cuts ties from sister when she refuses to accept her daughter's gender choice. AITA?
"AITA for not letting my daughter have contact with my sister?"
BlueberryFull5153
I have 2 daughters, Stella (16) and Nora (almost 13). Stella is transgender, AMAB and came out about two years ago. When she was born, I had major complications following the delivery and had to have an emergency surgery that left me unable to have more kids.
It was an incredibly dark time for my husband and I. My older sister Kristy saw us grieving and told us that in time she would be happy to carry a baby for us if that’s what we wanted.
After a lot of work in therapy we both got to a place where we were ready to have another child. We did IVF to create the embryo that would become Nora, transferred it into Kristy, and Kristy carried our daughter and birthed her.
It was a wonderful experience and Kristy naturally ended up becoming very close to Nora from a very young age having been her surrogate. When Stella came out 2 years ago, Kristy was not very accepting. She wasn’t rude to Stella but she told us she thought Stella was too young to make that decision herself.
Eventually she seemed to start to come around to the idea, however she soon had a massive political shift and became very conservative. She would post about how parents of transgender kids are abusive and there are only two genders among other issues.
As Kristy’s behavior hasn’t improved, we made the difficult decision to cut off all contact with her. Nora was particularly devastated and still is. She gives me a hard time about it all the time.
She says Kristy never said anything negative about Stella being transgender. I do believe that but I don’t want Nora being around someone who is hateful towards her sister.
She is still a child and I am the one who makes decisions. Nora asked if she can have scheduled phone calls with Kristy and I said no. She asked if she can schedule a lunch with her and I told her not right now.
She has a phone that I monitor and she told me she wants to reach out to Kristy so badly. She said she really misses her and their bond and that she wants to have her in her life.
I personally think it will be hurtful to Stella if they’re close and it’s not something I want to have in our lives. Nora says she feels like there is a void in her life not being able to talk to the person who carried her.
AITA? I feel bad for Nora but at the same time I don’t want a blatantly transphobic person in our life. I think it could really hurt Stella and Nora may not be mature to comprehend that.
However on the other side, I know the bond between surrogate and child is very strong and even more so with her being an aunt. I don’t know what the right thing is.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RemoteBroccoli
NTA. Your first obligation as a parents is to protect AND love them. Protects them from the evils of the world, in this case, transphobia and bullying, and love them for who they are, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, and so on. If your sister CAN'T handle her niece being trans, you have to protect your daughter from her. It's as simple as that.
buttercupgrump
NTA. Just because Kristy hasn't said anything specifically about Stella around you, doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. She's made it pretty damn clear how she feels about trans people. If given the chance, Kristy would gladly try to influence Nora into seeing things her way. Don't let her have that opportunity.
Polish_girl44
I'm affraid Nora may see things in "Kristy way" and grow a huge resent towards Stella - becouse of being cut off from Kristy without no one listining to her needs. This things cant be made like OP did - when your kid has a very strong bond with someone you need to act carefuly. Be a supportive parent for both of them not only for one.
Razzlesndazzles
NTA but I would suggest consulting a child therapist on the matter and see what they think on how handle this sort of thing. If they think it's beneficial for Nora to still have contact then they can probably offer advice on how to protect Stella. If they agree it's right to keep her away they can help having Nora adjust to her abscense.
This is an unpleasent, but important lesson that Nora is experiencing early: Bad people aren't all bad. They are capable of great kindness and love but that doesn't change the fact their bad traits outweigh the good and you have to make a choice.
Also her comment on Stella being "too young to make a decision like that on her own" cracked me up because apart from the fact that trans people don't make any kind of "decision" to be trans the idea that it's a "communal" choice like you would go "you're not trans now, but you can be trans when you're 18" is so ridiculous it's hilarious!
Corodix
That is a trick situation, as there's a risk of Nora (subconsciously) becoming resentful of Stella for not being allowed to talk nor interact with Kristy. So I'd be very worried that your actions to alienate Nora from Kristy in order to protect Stella will come back to bite the relationship between your two daughters and between yourself and Nora.
Honestly I think I'll have to go with ESH on this one as what you're doing to Nora here might be quite harmful. I'd check with a therapist on how to properly handle this if I were you.
cakelin99
From my perspective you are NTA. This is a really difficult situation but you are right to protect Stella from a transphobic relative. Nora is understandably upset, but it is not really you who is keeping her from her aunt.
If her aunt would be more accepting then Nora could see as much of her as she liked. Kristy is the one at fault here and you are making a difficult (but necessary) decision to protect your family from her hatred.