'AITA for not letting my father walk me down the aisle because of his infidelity?'
"AITA for not letting my father walk me down the aisle because of his infidelity?"
When I (26F) was sixteen, my older brother and I found out our dad had been cheating on our mom with her very close friend. We also found out that it had been going on for years.
He gaslighted us about it for a bit, but eventually came clean. Of course, this completely devastated everyone, especially considering at that point, my parents had been married for over 15 years.
In the end, they decided to work through it. They went to therapy, she forgave him and they stayed together. However, this completely ruined my relationship with him. Up until that point, I thought my dad was the greatest man in the world.
He really was my best friend. But after finding out about the affair, I wanted as little to do with him as possible. I moved out at 18, but leading up to that, I avoided him as much as I could. That worked for a while.
Now, it's been over 10 years since it happened and it's starting to create bigger issues in my family. I'm getting married next year to an incredible man, and I'm very excited about it, but my family is upset about me asking my brother to walk me down the aisle instead of asking my father to do it. My mom said he's really hurt by it.
Which I completely understand and sympathize with, but my father and I haven't been close since his affair. My brother and I became even closer after it, and he was truly my rock during that time, so I want him included in the ceremony.
Some of my family members are refusing to come because of this. Calling me bitter, tasteless etc. which is starting to get to me. I invited him to the wedding, he's more than welcome to come, I just do not want him to walk me down the aisle. I understand people can change, and from what I hear from everyone, my dad did. I think that's amazing and I have no issue with everyone forgiving him. But I just can't.
He lied to all of us for years, pretending to be this great man but was cheating on my mom with someone who was like a second mom to us. And I don't want to be associated with someone like that, family or not. AITA for taking this moment away from my dad?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
How many years was he cheating on your mom for? Just out of curiosity.
I still don't understand the concept of giving the bride away....
This is a very personal decision, so I would say NTA. However, I think perhaps some therapy around this topic would be needed? I'm sure I'm missing a lot of details, so forgive me if other things happened, but I think it's important to remember his unfaithfulness was to your mother and not to you as a father. If your mother has forgiven it, then what's preventing you from moving forward?
At the end of the day, only you know what the right decision is, and that decision should be respected. However, for your own sake, I would put some great thought into this decision. It's one you can never take back if you end up regretting it. It would almost certainly do irrevocable damage to whatever relationship you have left with your father.
You should have had therapy. You are not blaming him for his betrayal of your mom, but for what his actions did to you. You have to decide if you want to work on this. I don't blame you either way, but carrying this amount of unresolved pain is not healthy.
NTA. I'd see getting walked down the aisle by a cheater as bad omen. I see a parent cheating on their spouse as more than cheating on their spouse but cheating on their family too.
NTA, this is up to you OP and everyone’s threshold for what would fracture a relationship is different. To the contrary of other ESH opinions, I think this shows maturity that you are not willing to compromise your values.
It was not a one night stand mistake which he confessed and remorsed over, it was 5 years and he got caught which makes a difference after the fact. Your wedding, your choice and the family members not coming to it because of that decision shouldn’t be welcome anyway!
YTA if he is paying for the wedding or any part.
What makes you think that you are taking away something from your father? This is your wedding: you get to decide what your wedding looks like. Your father nor anyone else has a right to expect anything from you. If people start saying 'tradition' well, let's talk tradition. Tradition is that the bride's parents pay for the entire wedding while the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner.
A wedding means two people making a life-time commitment to each other: any role of your father in this wedding would be very ironical if not downright funny, because he's a cheater who does't believe in making a life-time commitment and everybody knows that.
Snickering guaranteed. Your brother, on the other hand, has proven to be of a tough moral fibre. So, let your brother walk you down. If your father has changed, he will understand. If he doesn't, he hasn't.
NTA - That said, you can still be in the right and still face consequences to your actions. You may never be able to repair your relationship with your Dad because of this. (Which doesn't sound like something you're interested in anyway). But you may also damage your relationship with other family members. And while that is ultimately their choice to make, it's still a consequence you'll have to deal with.
It's your decision whom you'd like to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day - no AH for that. YTA for holding a grudge for 10 years over something that your own parents reconciled for. Your Mom forgave your Dad. His cheating should have nothing to do with your love for him.
Your father is a human. Humans make mistakes. He seemed to have changed his behavior. You are stuck in the past and it's creating issues for you. Maybe (after the wedding) you should speak to a therapist about this. Carrying this "burden" for these years is not healthy or productive to your future.