"AITA for not moving my wedding date?"
friendlylocalnpc
My fiancé and I recently got engaged, and when looking at dates we realized our anniversary falls on a Saturday this year. Perfect right? We immediately start planning because it’s approximately 9 months out and we have to move quick to pull a wedding together. We told everyone the potential date this weekend and all seemed well.
Monday I get a phone call from my father. He insists that I move the date because my mother has a yoga retreat that weekend. I tell him that this date means a lot to me and I would prefer to keep it if there is any way to move the retreat.
There is, but it’s expensive. I offer to pay for this change out of my wedding budget, essentially halving the amount that I can spend on the most important event of my life.
Yesterday I was told that they would not be taking my offer to pay to move the retreat and that we’re expected to move the wedding instead. I haven’t put money on my venue yet, so they think I should be fine with giving up the chance to marry on a date that means a lot to me.
It became a massive fight, and now my parents and I aren’t speaking. My father accused me of caring about a date more than I care about my mother. I told him that it felt as though they were choosing yoga over their own daughter.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
imothro
Your parents are prioritizing a yoga retreat over your wedding?
They 100% are. Have the wedding without them. NTA.
Satogamii
And i would be petty and put on the photos why they weren't at the wedding. Op parents sucks. NTA.
apartment-flood
NTA - and the next time your parents invite you to something, tell them, "namaste at home"
bamf1701
NTA. First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! However, I’m sorry to say your parents have made it perfectly clear where on their priority list you, their child, is, and it is apparently below yoga.
And you are right - she is choosing yoga over you. A yoga retreat is something that can be done anytime, your wedding will only happen once. Don’t let your father say that you don’t care about your mother - he is gaslighting you.
TheMicMic
NTA. If your mother puts a yoga retreat over your wedding date, then that's on her. It would be different if you decided to get married this weekend, not nine months out. I get that it's inconvenient and possibly an expensive schedule conflict, but the odds of you getting a date on the calendar that works for everyone is basically 0%.
A full year later, the OP returned with an update:
friendlylocalnpc
Hey everyone! It's been a while (I forgot my password), but a few people asked for updates on how my last post turned out. Unfortunately, a lot of you may not like the answer.
Almost all of you said not to change the date, and to enjoy my time without them there. I followed half of that advice. I eventually did relent to my family and change the date of the wedding.
My fiancé (now husband!) said that the date wasn't as important as my happiness, and the fighting with my parents was destroying that. Now after six months, we both wish we hadn't because it was useless.
They still didn't show up. Not only that, but they convinced 90% of my family not to show up either. I ended up with only four relatives there in a crowd of about 100 guests.
My mother claimed that I had been "excluding her from planning" (by scheduling venue tours on days that my fiance and I were both free but I didn't realize she was working, and by finding my dress by surprise on a "just here to look" trip without her being there).
They hadn't shown any interest in planning, so I mainly didn't want to bother them. To them, this was "clearly a sign that you don't want us there". So they went out of town on the new date. In the end, narcissist mother still got her yoga, I still moved my date, and I still walked myself down the aisle.
But my petty self did, in fact, strike back. I had an amazing time, and I made sure that I left obvious empty seats marked for them and told everyone the truth with a smile when they asked.
The few family members that did show are now no longer speaking to them either, as are all of the friends who came. The only exception is my brother (who I'm pretty sure they asked to relay the details of the party to them), and even he has almost entirely cut them out due to how they've acted.
I haven't spoken to my mother since about a month before the wedding, when she told me to get all of my old things out of her house. I speak to my father very rarely, and only over things like deaths in the family. My in-laws have basically taken me in as their own, and I'm far happier than I ever was in the nightmare of a family I grew up with. Life is good.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Congratulations on your wedding. Now you have seen your family for who they are, you might want to have a contingency plan for when (and if) you decide to have children.
Guaranteed your parents will come out of the woodwork then, so perhaps get ready for the love bombing. Lookup grey rock strategies of communication and think about keeping your brother on an information diet if he continues to be a flying monkey.
Shine up that spine and don't change plans for your selfish extended family again!! 'No' is a complete sentence.
friendlylocalnpc OP responded:
I changed my number right after the wedding, so they don't have the new one. We're also moving soon, and they'll have no idea where we live. I kept them unblocked on social media just so they can see me living my best life without them.
We're planning on kids down the road, and I'm planning on telling the kids that "mommy's mommy and daddy were not nice people, and we don't want you to have to be around not nice people. We wish they had been nicer so that you could have two sets of grandparents who get to know and love you, but your daddy's mommy and daddy love you enough for both sets"
DragonMaster7433
Good on you for going either very low contact or no contact with them. I looked through your old posts and saw where they wanted you to join a dinner date with another family member shortly before the actual dinner while you were busy. It wild to me how they seem to want you to respect their time and plans but have absolutely no respect for your time and plans.
Even_Enthusiasm7223
Great for you, The next time you contact them in any manner or let them know anything about your life is after you give birth and send them an announcement. Hey, I just like you to know that you are the proud grandparents of a child you will never meet. That's being petty.
floridaeng
My petty side says when or if you have kids don't do anything to tell them. I would even say don't tell your brother unless he promises to not tell them. They have clearly shown they don't care about you and don't want any contact, so give them what they want.
LowBalance4404
WOW. JUST WOW. I remember your original post but glanced at it to make sure I was thinking of the right one. I was. AND WOW. Listen, I'm so sorry you moved the date for what is now no reason.
But honestly, I'm so happy for you to figure out that this "family" isn't really one and that you've found your husband and his parents to be your actual family. I couldn't be happier for you. Cheers and many, many hugs.