AITA for not quickly agreeing to a pre-wedding "sibling" photoshoot?
"AITA for not quickly agreeing to a pre-wedding 'sibling' photoshoot?"
LandRound9784
My mom is getting married in January. Her fiance has a 5 year old daughter Mia. My mom and her fiance started dating 2.5 years ago and I met them about a year ago. Mia met us then too. She got really close really fast but I (17M) didn't.
Then about a month ago my mom and her fiance mentioned that they had booked a session with the wedding photographer to get pre-wedding sibling photos of me and Mia.
They thought it would be so sweet to document the sibling journey and not just the couple journey. Mia got so excited when they mentioned it. She started picking out outfits and stuff. I'm not excited and I think I can see a disconnect to the way things will be.
When the wedding actually happens I'll be 18. I was already going to move to my uncles house when I turn 18 because this house is cramped for all of us.
Plus I don't see Mia as my sister. I don't have a plan to spend a lot of time with her or to focus on building up a really strong bond. But I think they all expect me to invest in getting really close to Mia...
When Mia wasn't in the room, and it was just mom and me, I brought up this and how she should have said something before. I told her where I stood and that I don't want to do them. Mom looked upset.
She told me she thought I already really loved Mia and was excited for her to be my sister. I said no and I asked her what made her think that because I hardly spent any time with Mia. That between school and my job and friends I was busy. Mom didn't really answer.
A week later mom and her fiance started asking me to fake some enthusiasm because Mia noticed my reaction and had asked her dad if I was sad about the photos. I told them I hadn't agreed to the photos. My mom's fiance said I was supposed to have come around. I told him I still felt the same.
Mia wanted to help me pick out clothes. I told her I'd prefer to do it alone. She looked upset but quickly started talking about all the stuff we'll do together on the wedding day because apparently I was meant to babysit her all day.
Mom and I talked some more and she asked me if I was ready to say yes because it would hurt more if I say no. I told her I really wasn't okay with it but if they won't put an end to it then I'll be forced to.
Her fiance heard my reply and he was pissed about it. He told me I shouldn't be so resistant to it and should have agreed immediately since it's not a huge ask and it's for Mia more than anyone. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
fiestafan73
"She told me she thought I already really loved Mia and was excited for her to be my sister." Your mom is in love and is only hearing what she wants to hear, the things that fit into her blended family fantasy.
It is silly to think a 17 year old is going to bond with a 5 year old, particularly so quickly, and ESPECIALLY when the people getting married are trying to force it. Your mom and her husband need to be realistic and realize you are nearly an adult. NTA.
LandRound9784 (OP)
Yeah, she is and I get why she wants that to be the way things worked. I just don't think she's paid much attention to the reality of things. Which I guess is what happens when you're happy and in love for the first time in almost 20 years.
SamSpayedPI
ESH. Your mom is an ahole for pushing the step-sibling relationship. Obviously, at almost 18, it's not reasonable to expect you two to be that close.But you're also an ahole for not doing this. Mia is five years old, really excited about it, and it's no skin off your ass: it's a couple of hours and a few photos. Big deal. Just play along.
[All that said, nip that "babysitting for the entire wedding day" thing in the bud (with your mother, though, not with Mia). Tell your mom you won't be babysitting, period (if she says then you're not coming, so be it.
You know it'll be more embarrassing to her if you aren't there than it is for you. If you don't have similarly-aged cousins in attendance that you can hang out with, ask if you can bring a friend or a date.
Excellent-Count4009
NTA. you are fine to refuse - your mom and stepdad are hurting Mia by raising unrealistic expectations. And: Absolutely REFUSE to babysit at the wedding. Tell them: either you are a real guest, or you won't come.
Secret_Birthday8452 (OP)
Yes, sort of regretted allowing Jane, too, because of the trouble. But, it turns out she is a really fantastic budding mathematician and was only a bit behind my son because he had the outside courses and she didn't. At this point, I'd feel bad dropping her. She has a lot of potential.
limiz87
ESH. It sounds like you have some issues with your mom's new relationship/wedding, and you are taking it out on a 5-year-old. She won't understand anything until she is much older.
Just suck it up, go take some photos with the child and move out when you turn 18. Let your mom and her future husband know how you feel, and refuse to babysit, but don't make a small child feel bad about herself when it's not her fault.
TemptingPenguin369
NTA. Your mom and her fiancé are excited to get married, which is great. However, assuming that a 17M is going to be excited for a 5F stepsister is not realistic, and getting a 5-year-old kid excited for something without confirming it with you is unfair to the 5-year-old.
The fact that they think there's going to be a "sibling journey" under these circumstances is very weird, although it seems like they have the "free babysitter journey" planned out for you. I'm glad you'll be out of there soon and either attend the wedding as a guest, or not at all. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
LandRound9784 (OP)
I'm not reading it as free babysitter. But more like, involved older sibling. Babysitting might be a part of it. I just don't think it's the primary focus because I have never been asked to babysit before and we have all lived together for months. I just wish mom had talked to me about expectations because it's wild how close they seem to imagine me being to Mia.