'AITA for not respecting my college roommates’ curfew? She wants me back by midnight.' UPDATED 2X

Nothing quite prepares your for the interpersonal chaos of adulthood like the trials and tribulations of dealing with college roommates.

"AITA for not respecting my roommates’ curfew?"

I'm in a fight with my roommate and my friend suggested I get additional opinions on here. Some background: I’m a freshman in college living in a dorm and got a randomly assigned roommate. We live very different lifestyles, I like to stay up late and sleep in late and she likes to go to bed early and wake up early.

At the beginning of the year she told me she likes to go to bed early and is a light sleeper, and I told her I like to stay up late and we came to the agreement that she could turn out the light at any point and I would be quiet after that. She goes to bed 9-11ish, and I often get ready for bed and lay in bed at these times out of respect.

However, there are generally 2-3 nights a week, one of which is a weekday, that I stay up and out past this time. I keep the light off and do nothing more than crawl into bed when I return home, 12-3ish. About three weeks ago my roommate told me she doesn’t like me staying out late because it affects her sleep and that she wants me back by 12.

My friends have made fun of me since, because out of respect for her, I have except for a few exceptions left parties, study sessions, and hangouts early to get home on time. On Monday night I was out playing board games with friends and lost track of time. I noticed it was 12:30 and out of respect for her I decided to pull an all-nighter with my friends in the common room.

I returned that morning at 8:15 to get ready and shower because I had a meeting at 9. However, I got an angry text later that day calling me out for returning at 8:15, despite me doing my best to remain quiet and even not returning home at an unreasonable hour, as I would’ve been up at that time anyways.

I responded and apologized for waking her up, but explained that I stayed out all night for her and I did nothing wrong. I also explained that while I was willing to compromise and be back most nights at midnight, as long as I was courteous there would be nights I would come back later.

I got a message last night that she had scheduled a meeting with our RA to mediate, and I honestly want to know if I’m in the wrong, she’s in the wrong, or if it’s just a bad situation. Any advice would be welcome too, thanks! Summary: My roommate wants me back in our dorm by midnight every night and I think that as long as I am courteous and abide by that most nights I am not in the wrong. AITA?

The internet had plenty to say about the situation.

lilolememe wrote:

NTA. The RA is going to be laughing about this with the other RA's. She cannot dictate when you can come home. If you stay out all night, it's not her right to judge. You're an adult, and you can do what you want. Obviously, flipping the lights on and being loud is not allowed because you do have to honor quiet time.

You're being super courteous, and she's being controlling. This isn't home, she's not your parent, and she needs to get used to others living their adult lives. Hopefully, you find a friend you can room with next year.

luv2writeska wrote:

As a former RA, can confirm. We definitely talk about the stupid fights residents have. And the crazy ones. Also, what the heck school does OP go to that they somehow got paired with someone with a polar opposite sleep schedule?

I literally filled out a form that asked about preferences and such when I was applying for housing - preferred room cleanliness, typical sleep schedule, did I want time when no friends were over, etc. What HAPPENED here? I find it hard to believe that there were no other options.

DivineJerziboss wrote:

NTA. She's controlling. Respect goes both way, so when she expects you to respect her sleep schedule why shouldn't she at least try to respect yours? 8:15 in the morning is not unreasonable hour to wake up especially if she goes to sleep as early as she does.

She just wants to control you and when you sleep and when you are allowed to be in the room. The RA is going to laugh at this issue because no dorm rules were broken.

cassowary32 wrote:

NTA. Could you imagine if you told her that you picked her bed time and she had to stay up as late as you? She's not your mom and you aren't 14, she doesn't get to give you a curfew.

Maybe a change of roommates would be best.

After getting some feedback, OP added an update to her post.

First off, thank you to everyone who responded. It gave me a reality check and the confidence to stand up for myself. In general, my roommate is a very nice person and besides a few minor other issues we get along well but I do recognize now that her requests are unreasonable. Next week is my spring break, and we have scheduled the meeting for the following week so I will provide an update then.

To those of you who suggested a room change - I would be fine if my roommate changed rooms, however it would be difficult for me to move. I have a minor disability which would pose challenges to moving my stuff, and my family lives in a different state, so while they would help, I don’t want to ask that of them, especially since the school year is almost over.

The comments kept coming.

ParsimoniousSalad wrote:

NTA. You're not a child and she's not your parent. You don't have to follow ANY of her curfew or bedtime rules. Being quiet while she's trying to sleep is all she can ask.

Try to switch roommates to one with a more compatible sleep-wake schedule.

Japanat1 wrote:

Um, yeah, no! I was going to tell you to get the RA involved, so she saved a step. Nothing you have done is unreasonable; you’ve been more than accommodating. Your roommate is being totally unreasonable. NTA.

Candi_Kane31 wrote:

NTA you better enjoy your college years. And don’t let anyone shame you for doing so. Before you know it your body will give you a bedtime. You have been more than accommodating and need to set some boundaries of your own.

She does not pay your tuition and she is not your parent or guardian. She can’t give you a curfew. As long as you don’t come in loud and disruptive she better learn to get some ear plugs and an eye mask.

Kindly tell her and your RA that unless there is a new school enforced curfew you will continue to be respectful and quiet but you will enter and exit the room your parents/loans/you pay half for when you see fit. She is more than welcome to find other accommodations if necessary.

iamthatiam92 wrote:

Is your roommate your mother? NTA

You're an adult. You can come back to your room at any given time. It's college life. There will be noise in the campus. Is she going to enforce a curfew on everybody? Good luck doing that. Better to find a new roommate.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I met with my roommate and RA today. He told her that she couldn’t set a time for me to return, but had us set specific expectations for when I return home late, like no opening and closing drawers, turning on lights, and closing the door gently (things I was already doing but will be extra mindful of in the future).

I told her that I appreciated her as a roommate and felt bad about how my different lifestyle affected her and would be mindful of coming back in, but like the RA said I would be coming back on my own timeline. Appreciate all the support!

The internet was glad to hear things got resolved.

matchamagpie wrote:

OP's roommate just needs to get some earplugs and a white noise machine and call it a day. Or if she's really affected to this extent, then she needs to get her own place.

tofuroll wrote:

This. The world is full of distractions. Some are unreasonable, like parties every weekend. Others are reasonable, like random construction work or someone coming home late. You can't change the world but you can change yourself.

sputnikatto wrote:

Roommate is in bed 9-11pm and gets awakened by them coming in at 8:15 am?

I have a lot of trouble sleeping but that's on the level of talk to a doctor or something. That's not on anyone else.

Familiar_Season8438 wrote:

It sounds more like a control issue than actually a sleeping issue. I'd bet money on that at least. If it's actually a sleep thing you're absolutely right!

BendingCollegeGrad wrote:

EXACTLY. This is a “I cannot sleep well unless you are back” issue. She isn’t OOP’s parents. I have known people like the roommate and it stems from anxiety at the very least. If that’s the case she needs her own room. If she cannot afford it then she needs to learn flexibility. If it is a sleep issue then she needs to be in a sleep study in the quickest way.

Hopefully, OP's roommate chills out, otherwise this is going to be an ongoing tension.