'AITA for not speaking Japanese after living here for six years?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for not speaking Japanese after living here for 6 years?"
I (34F) met my (33M) husband online and got married 6 years ago. I moved from my home country to live with him in Japan since then. He is Japanese and has a stable job there, on the other hand I am a freelance illustrator so I was okay to move here.
Every day I use English with him, maybe you noticed already but English is not my first language, so it's not perfect, neither is my husband’s English, but at least we can communicate. I tried my best to learn Japanese to be able to communicate with his friends and family, but Japanese is not an easy language.
I have learned how to read Kanji, Hiragana, and Katakana from zero by myself. During the lockdown (2020), we got money from the government and he bought me some books and dictionaries, telling me to learn the language more intensively during the lock down. He didn't teach me anything though, he said, since I could speak 4 languages, adding one more language should be easy for me.
I tried. But it is never good enough for him, he always said my grammar sucks. But I do always have problem with grammar, as you can see my English grammar sucks too…
He said I should be able to speak like a native at this point.
So last year (summer 2022) I decided that I would get a part time job at a restaurant so that I can practice more of my Japanese. To my surprise, the staff there like me and they can understand my Japanese, I also now could read and write several Kanjis (I could write my own address with Kanjis and read menus)
Last week, we had a family dinner with his family….during the dinner, I made some grammar mistake which was not actually quite bad because everybody still understood what I was trying to say, but my husband says in front of my family, I was stupid for not understanding the correct grammar.
It makes me upset because he said it in front of everyone so I said in English “your English is not better than me; and you can't speak my language, why you call me stupid?” He was so pissed off and wont talk to me since that day. AITA?
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
Edit:
He is not a bad guy, I love him so much. Just he is very outspoken. If he disliked something he would say it right away.
He never comments about my body or looks, but he is very sensitive about my skills…he's often criticized my art style and other skills. He said I am lazy. There is no excuse not to master the language since I am living here for almost 6 years already.
Maybe this is me trying to defend myself but last year I got my N3 /JLPT (Japan Language Proficiency Test) Level 3 certification, he said it must be out of luck because my Japanese very rough. And he said I should have gotten the Level 1 already because I am here for so long.
The internet had a lot to say about this quandary.
No_Variety_6847 wrote:
NTA. Your husband is an ahole though for sure. Even if you understand multiple languages doesn’t mean learning another is any easier. He definitely should’ve helped you too. I think what hindered you overall is not practicing.
From the sound of it once you got that part time and was forced to speak more your Japanese improved. So honestly he should’ve spoken more Japanese at home. Also curious if he’s making any effort to speak your native tongue?
OP responded:
He said he doesn't need to learn my native language because we don't live there. My parents don't speak English and Japanese so I beg him to at least try to communicate with my family but he said his brain has no capacity for that.
LowBalance4404 wrote:
NTA and your English is excellent. Your husband is TA for humiliating you in front of his family. I've learned that no matter where on the planet I am, natives to those areas are extremely forgiving if I make an attempt.
My French is horrifying and my German is worse, but the maximum anyone has ever done is gently teach me the proper way of what I'm actually trying to say. Most of the time, people get the general idea and we continue on.
Cutie3pnt14159 wrote:
NTA. You do speak Japanese. I thought you meant you didn't ever speak any at all from your title. You just don't speak perfect Japanese. Your husband is being a jerk and refusing to even help you. On top of that, you speak FOUR other languages. Don't put up with that from him.
PinkNGreenFluoride wrote:
NTA. For "not speaking Japanese"? If you speak Japanese well enough to work as a server, you do speak Japanese. You speak 5 languages - and your English is good, btw. He doesn't speak your native language at all, after 6 years of marriage.
You were surprised that your coworkers could understand you, but they can just fine. Was your primary feedback on that matter before that point your husband? Did he tell you nobody would understand you? And, again, your English is not bad at all. So I wonder who told you that your English is weak, was that your husband, too?
Does he often undermine and belittle and even publicly humiliate you? Does he do things to discourage you from speaking to other people generally, or suggest that they'll reject you? Regardless, what he did at dinner is a really crappy way to treat you. You deserve better than that.
Six months later, OP shared an update.
So, we got divorced. I think about it more and more and I feel like this 6 years has been hell for me. I'm tired and keep on finding any reason to think that he is good for me. I found a full time job in a Japanese company and started working there from last January. Everybody in my new company said I speak Japanese well.
And so far I am doing great! I rent my own apartment and survive by my own just fine in Tokyo. Albeit my ex husband saying that I would never be able to survive in Japan without him. I have a crush on other guy, but I take it slowly. Thank you for all of your comment to me. I am glad I posted here.
I use only Japanese in the company I work now and earn almost same amount with my ex husband despite just work here for 4 months. My crush now speaks only Japanese and we communicate just fine. I am confident now! Another long edit because I am surprised that I got so many responses: Thank you so much for the comments and supports.
Just to clarify, of course the reason of my divorce is not only because of the language thing. I kept saying my ex was a good person (and I still think that he is a good person) but he is not treating me right. There were a lot of things he had done to me that had harmed me physically and mentally. Before I was with him, I was also doing modeling for side job.
I took good care of myself, but after I married him, he said that my looks didn't matter and he disliked me dressing up or putting on make up because thought as a married woman I should not attract other men. I did what he wanted and I kept telling myself “oh this man loves me the way I am no matter how I look…” but then I found out he was following hot girls on Instagram and Twitter.
He never chatted them so I let it slide but I kept thinking about it. Especially since he never said anything positive about my looks (basically he never said anything positive about my effort except for my cooking) I started to feel unconfident. I got depressed and had to take anti depressant then I gained 20 kgs in 6 years.
When I said he never said anything positive about my look/effort it didn't mean that he always said bad things about me, just he seems to be indifferent about it.
Now, after we got divorced, I don't have to take my anti depressant anymore.
And I lost 15 kgs already…I started to talk to some guys until I met my crush right now. I was surprised because my crush now always said that I look good and nice, he noticed when I changed my hair style or nail, saying I smell nice, and compliment me when I do good thing at work (my crush works in the same company with me).
The other people also said that I look super good now, and I look so much happier. I want to show you my pictures so you can see the difference between when I was single, married, and became single again, but I know there is a chance some of you might recognize me.
And then would recognize who is my ex husband and it would cause problems for him. Anyway, how I learned Japanese (and other languages) is by listening to some song, movies, or other people, then when I cant understand some word/phrase, I would find it in dictionary based on how I hear it.
Then I have to guess how it is written so I can find the word in dictionary/translator. I prefer dictionary to translator though because when I open dictionary I will see many other words other than the one I am looking for and I may remember those words I accidentally find too…
After I find the word and understand what it means, I will try to make a sentence with that word and use it in real conversation.
Now, I can already read Japanese comic books and watch the movies in cinema without much difficulty. :)
Once again thank you for your support! Please wish me luck for my career and my life ahead. (Also for my crush, hope it ends well). I also wish all the best for all of you, may you learned something from my experience and may it be useful for you or at least it could give you good feeling when you read this update. Cheers!
The internet was happy to hear the update.
Editor's note: including this exchange because I thought it was sweet. I do not speak Japanese, so the translation is google translated. Apologies if it is slightly odd!
Anoncommenter wrote:
すごい！頑張りましたね！ 私も長くに日本に住んでいるのに文法をよく間違っていますわ。通じるなら十分と思います！ 新しい生活を頑張ってください！
[amazing! You did your best! Even though I've lived in Japan for a long time, I often make grammar mistakes. I think it's enough if it works! Good luck in your new life!]
OP responded:
ありがとうございました！ なんか生まれ変わる見たいです。最近凄く幸せなので、メンタルも良くになりました！
[Thank you very much! I want to see it reborn somehow. I've been really happy lately, so my mental health has improved!]
Five months later, OP shared another update.
So it has been few months, the result of a Japanese Language Proficiency Test I took has been announced, I passed the Level 2 with only 2 mistakes (the highest is level 1 from 5 level and I passed the level 2 so I am proud of myself!) My crush confessed to me and we are dating now!
He is a Japanese who doesn't speak English at all and he said my Japanese is perfectly fine! I met his parents and brothers last month during Obon holiday. He brought me to his home town in a rural Japanese village. His family welcome me. His family lives in a farm, they never went overseas at all and doesn't speak English but they welcome me nicely.
I am a divorcee and 6 years older than my bf but they do'nt mind at all. The fact that I am a foreigner also doesn't bother them. I just got promotion at work this month, which is quite rare since I have been here just for 10 month but they said I did my best so I deserved it. I plan to move in with my BF next winter.
He treats me with nothing but respect. He always seems to be proud of anything that I did, he even said my Japanese accent is cute. He never scolds me in public like my ex. (I told him “why you so nice??” He said “it is just normal behavior to someone you care about.” Which makes me realized how much of an AH my ex husband was.)
About my ex husband, he stalked my Instagram and found my post with my new bf and he threatened my bf but my bf just blocked him. My ex’s cousin who is really close to me told me that my ex posted his break up text with his new gf on the twitter and sent the screenshot to me. I read it and I feel pity for whoever girl who gonna be with him next because he will never change.
I feel healthier, prettier, and definitely happier now than ever. I don't know what will become of my new relationship but I learned a lot. I will never let anyone disrespect me and my effort. Last but not least, thank you all for all the comments you leave to me. It definitely helped me to clear my mind! Cheers for you all!!
The comments kept coming in response.
lizzieduck wrote:
It took me 3 years to pass the 1st level of the Japanese Proficiency Test. Going from level 3 to 1 in 6 years is doable, but really hard! Good on her for getting into an environment where she can use and improve her Japanese. It’s the only way to get better. And good on her for finding a good partner that supports her learning, too. I would be nowhere without my husband’s support for improving my Japanese.
Peter095837 wrote:
The fact OP learned Japanese from a dictionary makes her EVEN more awesome! That ex-husband can go choke on fishes in the water for all care. Good happy endings!
Gwynasyn wrote:
"My parents don't speak English and Japanese so I beg him to at least try to communicate with my family but he said his brain has no capacity for that."
Oh, trust me guy, everyone around you knows that is 100% accurate about more than just learning a language.
JustAroAceLoser wrote:
I speak English natively, and I’m terrified if OP’s grammar “sucks” because I didn’t notice any grammar mistakes. (Maybe I’m just tired? I mean it’s past midnight and my sleep schedule has been funky.) I really hope OP’s grammar is actually considered to be good and I’m not bad at my own language.