My wife was admitted to hospital for an induction of our second child. She had a rough time during her first pregnancy, as it was during Lockdown (UK). I was not allowed to stay during this time, so she asked that I stay each night with her during this pregnancy. She gets quite anxious and wanted me there for support during the night, as she didn't feel comfortable asking the night staff.
We came to the hospital 2am on Sunday Morning, where she was put on a ward and started on hormones. The labor wasn't progressing very quickly so she told me to go home around 9am as she'd need me when the baby came. I came back in the evening and she told me to go home and rest around midnight.
I came up early Monday morning and spent the day with her and went home around 5 to spend time with our daughter (staying with my parents). I got a call at 1am Tuesday from her. She thought she was in labour but didn't think the staff were taking her seriously.
I rushed up to the ward, baby was born 3 hours later via an emergency c-section. We were moved around a fair bit until we were settled in a ward around 4pm on Tuesday. Both extremely tired (her obviously much more) but we managed a few hours as they had a little sofa I could lay down on.
I got up throughout the night to help with baby so she could rest. Wednesday we had a nap during the day, but I stayed all day. This is where the question arose. The baby was noted to have a health problem and so has been taken for further tests.
I took the baby as my wife had trouble walking during the pregnancy due to pelvic pain. This has continued and so she is in a lot of pain quite often, combined with the surgery.
They needed to move us to another ward to observe the baby, but this ward does not have a pull out bed for partners. I have lower back pain so I've carried a cushion around to alleviate it whilst she's been in hospital. It doesn't do much but it means I can sit in the chairs for a bit rather than needing to lie down.
I've told me wife that I couldn't stay as I wouldn't be able to sit in the chair all night with no sleep. She expected me to stay the night and continue to help her out during the day. I feel really bad about it, but I wouldn't be able to sleep at all and sitting in the chair would just further screw up my back.
Then I'd be of no use the next day without sleep and with back pain. I set everything up for my wife to make it easier for her during the night. I spoke to the staff and told them how anxious she is and that she'd need extra help and told my wife to ask for help when she needed it.
I left at 12 AM and came back when the doors opened next morning. I've been taking over during the day and letting her rest when she wants to. My argument is that I can't physically stay awake all night and all day. Although I'd agreed to stay all night with her before admission, I thought at least I'd be able to lie down. AITA?
heggy48 said:
NAH. And I’ve been the wife post c-section. Our kid got re-admitted when she was three days old and I had to stay with her, attempting to feed her, pump and give her a bottle every hour.
It was the worst night of my life but my husband was dead on his feet. He needed to get some actual sleep so he could help us the next day. He needed enough rest to safely drive us home again.
It’s an awful situation but you’re not an AH. I can’t honestly call your wife an AH either - I have some PTSD from that night and would never want to do it again. The two of you are against the rubbish situation together and not against each other.
Mission_Range_5620 said:
NAH. It’s one of those no one wins situations. I remember when my first child was born I was insistent that my husband sleep when he can, I knew I’d need him more later and we at least had help at the hospital. However I still felt jealous and hurt that he actually took me up on it.
Realistically it’s the smart and practical choice, but when you’ve just given birth, your hormones are a mess and you’re feeling overwhelmed. Your brain isn’t exactly concerned about being practical. Just give each other extra time to be off for a while and remember you’re on the same team.
Sea-Manufacturer1776 said:
NTA. I'm surprised the hospital let you stay overnight in the first place. In the UK most hospitals don't let partners stay overnight and c section mums have to ring the buzzer for any help. I know this because I had this exact thing 3 months ago!
One of you needs to be able to function. She's in hospital so they have to look after her there. Save your body and energy for all the help she needs for when she's at home not able to move or do anything and you don't have any nurses there to help you!
Bold-Belle2 said:
NTA. Expecting someone to stay with you and compromise their sleep when there are nurses there to help you is a bit of a reach. Everyone can agree that you'd much rather your partner to be well rested and better able to support you than literally destroying themselves and being less able to support you because they are dead tired and can't think straight. I wouldn't want someone without sleep holding my baby.
I have no idea why so many people thinks it's an assholish move not staying with her. If I was pregnant and gave birth, in immense pain and all, I would not expect or want my husband to be destroying themselves too over me, when hospitals literally have staff to support you, and are better able to support you because they are medical professionals any reasonable person with a braincell would let OP leave to sleep.
Wonderful_Citron_518 said:
NTA. I’ve had babies and I have chronic lower back pain too. If you want to be able to help when she’s home, which is much more important I would say than help while she’s in hospital where help is available, you need to protect your back.
You could be days unable to lift etc if your back goes. When mine goes, it can be a full week of pain, discomfort, unable to lift etc before it resolves and that’s taking strong prescription meds, heat pads etc. You certainly wouldn’t be in a position to carry or hold a baby in that state, could be quite dangerous.
It’s unfortunate timing but two people unable to lift a baby would be worse. And I’m not minimizing her pain and discomfort, but she’s in hospital with professional help available and if she’s too anxious to ask for help, that’s on her. She will need to learn to get over that.
Anyone who has back pain realises how debilitating it is, a bad back affects your ability to do most physical activity and I suspect a lot of the people commenting here have never had it. You spend a lot of time protecting it, working out what you can and can’t do and sometimes the slightest thing can set it off.
_darksoul89 said:
You can't be expected to stay up but she's expected to be alert and tending to the baby after an emergency c section? Ok. YTA.