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'AITA for refusing to support my sister's engagement during my wedding year?' UPDATED

'AITA for refusing to support my sister's engagement during my wedding year?' UPDATED

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"AITA for not supporting my sister’s engagement?"

I (24 F) am planning my wedding to my partner of almost 6 years. We got engaged at the end of November and we set our wedding date for September! Before we get into the current situation I want to provide a little context. When we were growing up it was always abundantly clear that my sister (20 F) was the family favorite. She was always given special privileges and talked more highly of than me.

For this reason, we didn’t get along during our childhood and most of our teenage years. After attending therapy as an adult, I came to understand that I couldn’t hold my parents treatment towards her against her because she was a child and the only people to blame are my parents. After working through that, her and I became really close. For the past few years we have been inseparable.

She’s my best friend and I am hers. I asked her to be my MOH and she was so excited! She started dating her current BF (21 M) this past October. Of course, he just so happens to be everything my family has ever dreamed of in a son-in-law. The exact opposite of my partner. The past 6 months they have been together my sister’s partner is all my family talks about, even at my bridal appointments.

Right after my engagement my sister said that when she found out about my upcoming engagement she made it clear to her BF that this year was about me so she didn’t want him to bring up anything marriage related until after my wedding. She said she wanted this to be my year. I’ve dreamed of this wedding my entire life and maybe it’s selfish to say but I just wanted this one thing to actually be about me.

This leads us to the current situation. Last night my sister (20 F) and her boyfriend of 6 months (21 M) FaceTimed me together and told me that they decided to get married. They said that he would go to ask my parents either today or tomorrow for permission and then he would immediately go buy a ring.

They then said that they want me to help plan the official proposal which will happen in 2-3 weeks with the wedding set for November (two months after mine). I told them that I needed time to process and I ended the FaceTime. An hour later, my sister called me to talk about it and I was sobbing.

I explained to her how badly it hurt me that she of all people would do this after she promised that she would let this be my year. I explained to her that I want to be happy for her but I am grieving the loss of my special day because the second our family hears about their engagement it will be as if I and my wedding doesn’t exist.

She cried while I explained myself and then said “don’t worry about it. Just don’t worry about it. I have to go.” And hung up the phone. I haven’t heard from her since. Right now I feel like I have lost my wedding and my best friend.

I am the villain in her story for ruining her moment and she is the villain in my story for taking this milestone from me even after she promised she wouldn’t. Where do we go from here? AITAH for not just being happy for her?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA. But I would definitely take a step back from your entire family. Your sister wants to be the main character and it seems like she’s jealous because you were getting all the attention.

said:

NTA. She did it on purpose. She got engaged 6 months into the relationship. Now you have to plan her “official proposal”, after that they will ask you to plan other events for her wedding. They not even officially engaged and already have a wedding date coincidently one month after yours.

If they look for venues they are going to find one available for a month prior to your wedding. Your sister gives the vibe of an immature child that needs to get something first at all costs and that of a high school bully that says something then does something else entirely.

NaturalForty said:

NTA, based on the information in the story. Your sister took the initiative to say she would delay her wedding--you didn't ask her to do it. Then she went back on that commitment to you without any explanation. If you had put any kind of pressure on her to delay her wedding, or if she had a reason for getting married earlier, that would change the situation.

said:

NTA because your sister promised and knows how you feel about your family. While you do NOT own the year, it's odd how fast they are moving. Like crazy fast. Time to stop interacting with your family. Keep planning YOUR wedding and don't involve them or at least minimize their involvement.

said:

NTA. You need a new MOH.

said:

So they’re getting engaged and married with in a year? And they’ve only been together a year. Yeah that’s gonna turn out well. That being said, I’d be upset as well. Your sister sounds like a jerk. I’d tell them to go kick rocks.

And giannd04 said:

With the context of your childhood experiences & sister’s promise — NTA. No one can force you to support their engagement, after all that is your question, and you’re def NTA for that. I completely understand your feelings of resentment and anger.

Maybe distance yourself from her and demote her from MOH if your old feelings of inferiority continue to fester. Try to focus on yourself and your new life ahead with your new family (husband!!).

Commenters agreed, given the specifics of this situation, NTA.

A few weeks later, OP shared this update:

Thank you all for the advice in the comments of my original post! I’m sorry for taking so long to post an update for you! Btw the sister is NOT pregnant! I spoke with my sister on Tuesday of this past week and it was not a very positive conversation. I was still extremely hurt and she was angry with me for ruining her excitement.

I ended that conversation by telling her that at the end of the day, she would have to make her choice on wether they would go through with this engagement and wedding or wait until after my wedding based on what felt most right to her. She left me on read and I didn’t reach back out because I felt like the ball was in her court.

Last night she reached out to me and apologized for hurting my feelings. She said that she doesn’t want things to be bad between us over this. She then started asking me more questions about how I felt. After some more explanation I asked her if she had talked to her boyfriend about our phone call.

She said that she did and when I asked how it went she said that he told her she needed to reach out to me and try to make things right. She said it took her awhile to reach out because she was still trying to process her emotions but ultimately she knew he was right.

I asked her what they decided to do and she said that after several days of talking it over they have decided to postpone the proposal until after my wedding in September. She said that their new plan is to get engaged soon after my wedding and plan their wedding for early 2025.

They have not said anything to our family about the engagement and my family has been blissfully unaware of the state of my sister and I’s relationship. I guess you could say that this is the best case scenario for this situation. There is still quite a bit of tension between my sister and I but hopefully that will get better with time.

Sources: Reddit
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