'AITA for not taking my FIL's last name after getting married? I'm being called disrespectful.'
"AITA for not taking my FIL's last name after getting married?"
Hi all. I got married to my husband 1 year ago and I am still wondering if I'm an AH. Before we got married my husband and I talked and agreed that I could keep my current last name. If never occurred to me that I should tell anyone of our decision to not change my last name. At our wedding the pastor announced us as Mr John and Mrs Jane (fake names for anonymity).
No last name was announced. But I guess I did mention to my new SIL that I was keeping my name...I'm not sure if she told my in laws intentionally to cause conflict or if she actually didn't realize I hadn't told them. Anyways, once we got back from our honeymoon and finished moving into our new house my husbands parents invited us over.
What I thought was going to be a nice first visit as husband and wife quickly turned into a fight. My FIL said he had to have a serious conversation with me, and he began talking about how great and wonderful his last name is and how people will automatically respect me in his community just because I would have the same name as him.
I calmly as I could (I was so upset at this point I could hardly talk) told him my reasons for not wanting to change my name. 1) it's complicated and expensive to change id's and such 2) my current last name is unique, I've never met another person outside of family with it 3) my home business and degree were established under my current name.
None of these reasons were good enough for him. He replied well other DIL changed her name and she has the same degree as you and then MIL said it didn't cost her any money to change her name (but that was 40 years ago things change).
I said I don't feel that I further need to justify my decision to you since you're not listening or understanding my perspective. Now, FIL says I am insulting him by rejecting his name and all his friends are going to suspect something is wrong and that I am making a mistake and that no one will respect me.
I am full on crying as this point and all I could I do was stand and say I am going home. As we are walking out FIL stands up and throws his hands up in a surrendering gesture saying I'm just trying to have a conversation. I think I could be the AH for 2 reasons here 1) for not publicly announcing my intentions to keep my maiden name and 2) for walking out mid conversation with my new in-laws?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Fun_Effective6846 wrote:
NTA. At all. It’s your name, no one gets to tell you what it should or shouldn’t be. I’d say if anyone is disrespecting other people’s names, it’s your FIL for not thinking your name is as good as his. The fact that he was so rude in his expression of his opinion only further proves you are NTA for walking out and avoiding any more conflict, as most people would have done much worse.
OP responded:
Thank you for your thoughts. I never considered that he was disrespecting my name... But makes sense!
Old_motters wrote:
NTA. This isn't the 1950's. You're not chattel. You're not required to take any name. My wife didn't. No one was offended.
This kind of thing stinks of patriarchy. He needs to wind his neck in and be welcoming to his son's spouse.
Cressidacole wrote:
You have a husband problem. He needs to deal with this. And your in-laws are not to be in your home until an apology has been accepted by you.
Responsible_Ant_9524 wrote:
NTA, but your husband is. He should have stood up to his dad for you. I dont think you needed to tell anyone ahead of time. That’s a personal decision between you and your husband. But your husband needs to start setting some boundaries with his family and support you. I also did not take my husbands name.
It’s not MY name. And the hassle to change it is not worth it to me. Our kids have his last name. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t like hyphenated names so it was an easy decision for the kids to have his last name. I know they are my kids. They don’t need my last name to prove it. If you wanna really piss off FIL, tell him your future kids will have your last name!
Ok_Homework_7621 wrote:
NTA. But the fact that your husband even allowed his father to finish his tirade and bully you like that, tells you all you need to know about how you'll be treated in the future. Your husband either agrees or doesn't have the balls to prevent his father's abuse. Is that really good enough for you? Good thing you didn't take his name, you won't have to change it back after the divorce.
No_Philosopher_1870 wrote:
NTA. What you decide to do is your business. The loss of identity that is often forced on women in marriage begins with having to take the husband's name. If they are going to start an argument where they aren't involved, they are showing you disrespect as a person. You are not an appendage to your husband.
My maternal grandmother used to address mail to my mother in her maiden name for well over a decade after Mom married my father. I found a bunch of the letters when I was about ten. I never did learn why she stopped using my mother's maiden name even though Mom had taken my father's name when she got married.
Saberune wrote:
NTA. This is between you and your husband. Everyone else can kick rocks. They're just mad you're bucking patriarchal tradition. F--k em. Tradition is just peer pressure from d--d people. When I got married, I actually wanted to take my wife's last name because it's a lot cooler than mine, but I didn't because of this stupid tradition. One of my life's regrets.
No-Reaction9635 wrote:
NTA as someone who also did not change my last name and also why would I tell my in-laws it’s literally none of their concern. Anyway, my MIL is the only one who has made comments and cares that I haven’t changed it and it’s not even her last name as in she married into it.
I either ignore MIL or say I’m not wiling to spend the money. I would be livid if FIL thought he could have an opinion on my name. I would shut it down hard.
SantasBigHelper1225 wrote:
I let my MIL guilt me into changing my last name. Didn't put in my divorce decree that I wanted to change my name back, so now I'm stuck with my ex's last name. Silver lining, my kids and I have the same last name, so there's that. But I do regret changing my name to begin with. Keep your name, please.