'AITA for not taking my kids to see my ex's wife in the hospital?'

"AITA for not taking my kids to see my ex's wife in the hospital?"

My ex's wife of 5.5 years is in the hospital after a miscarriage led to complications and life saving surgery. I have custody of our kids (10 & 8) this week and was asked to take them to see her.

My kids do not have a good relationship with my ex's wife (or my ex) and neither do I, so I said no. My ex was pissed and told me his wife needs all the kids around (they have one together). I still refused. He told me I'm heartless and she has a right to have her family around her. I was not moved and still did not take them.

Now for the background. My ex and I broke up when our youngest was 1. He met his wife not long after. They have a very rocky relationship. Lots of cheating on his part, they got married despite the cheating and they hate the fact I don't leave the kids with them and let them pretend to be a family of five.

They had a child together and now they claim there is no breaking up no matter how bad it gets. Unfortunately, between my kids and my ex and his wife telling me details of their relationship, I know far too much. It's toxic but not toxic enough to change custody of my kids in the eyes of the courts. I have tried. Even a therapist thought it would be in my kids best interest.

But they are cared for and that seems to be all that counts. The relationship between me and them is t-xic too when we interact so I keep any and all interactions to a minimum. I document all relevant things that could help with custody, I keep my kids in therapy (ex doesn't take them) and I try to give my kids stability and a safe space to talk.

They know their dad's wife is in the hospital. They do not want to see her. My ex's mom also asked me to let the kids go see her. She said this is a hard time and the family should lean on each other during this time.

That bettering the relationships are important. Ex reached out again last night and told me he wants the kids at the hospital today. I replied no. He told me I'm trying to destroy the family and should be ashamed and the kids will be there every day when he has them. AITA?

The internet had lots to say in response.

DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA wrote:

NTA.

That entire second paragraph is more than enough reason to not have the kids near these two. I was also going to ask if your kids wanted to but someone already asked that and you said they didn’t so you’re in the clear.

Your ex is TA for his cheating and his wife is TA to herself for marrying a cheater but I’m more in tune to believe she is a victim and is having a lot of trouble leaving this man; unless they are toxic to each other and if that is the case then they shouldn’t be together.

OP responded:

They are toxic to each other. Lots of fighting. Lots of issues.

Discount_Mithral wrote:

NTA. The kids are old enough to make the call here. You asked them, they said they don't want to go, if it's during your residential time, you don't have to take them. End of story. Since he plans on taking them "every day when he has them" I'd be speaking with my attorney about changing the residential schedule.

He's forcing an uncomfortable situation on these kids to spend time with someone they don't have a parental connection with during a time where that relationship is extremely important IMO. Otherwise, it's just weird and awkward.

OP responded:

Custody won't be changing anytime soon. I have tried a few times already. Even with the toxic s- going on there my ex retains shared custody.

fancyandfab wrote:

I hope you live in a state where at 12 the judge takes your kids' opinion into account. This is such a toxic and stressful situation. Stress is linked to miscarriage. I'm sure the wife's body is in a constant state of fight or fight, so I'm not surprised this pregnancy ended.

They are very irresponsible and a--sive to want to bring more kids into this vile dynamic. I hope at some point they lose custody of their joint child. They are both unfit. Your kids didn't want to go. NTA.

OP responded:

16 is the age, unfortunately and even then it's not a sure thing my kids will be listened to. It's why I document everything and keep my kids in therapy because they have to deal with this possibly until they turn 18.

JeepersCreepers 74 wrote:

NTA. The kids are old enough to make an informed decision about whether they want to go and they have decided not to go. That's all that really matters. If he wants to force the issue, he can do so on his own time.

One concerning thing here is that this is such a weird thing for ex and his MIL to fixate on with everything else that is going on. It's as if your kids are being set up as a source of stepmom's pain and suffering when they had nothing to do with it.

You know these people and their intentions better than anyone here--if you think you can avoid future drama and blame gaming by having them drop by for 5 minutes or so, you can consider it. Either way, you're still NTA.

MaskedCrocheter wrote:

NTA. "My children are not your wife's emotional support animals and they don't need to be exposed to the stress and overwhelming emotions that are happening in the hospital right now. My priority is THEIR well-being and that is not where THEY need to be right now."

ThingsWithString wrote:

NTA. The children don't want to be there, and they are old enough to make up their minds. If their father were ill, that might be different, but for his new wife? Nope.