"AITA for not taking my MIL’s outdated pregnancy advice?"
I 32F met my husband 32M in our senior year of college. We got married when we were both 26 and overall, have had a really loving and trusting relationship. We decided last year that we were finally ready to start a family together and about three months later, I was pregnant.
My husband’s dad struggled with pancreatic cancer and unfortunately, he passed away around the same time we found out that I was pregnant. Since my husband was their only child, we offered for his mom to come stay with us during the pregnancy to help her feel a little less alone and have a part in helping get things ready for her first grandchild.
Prior to this, I had seen his mom at brief family gatherings and the wedding, but I had never spent extensive time with her since she lived a few hours away. Throughout my pregnancy, she was incredibly attentive, but I admit it felt a little overbearing at some points.
I had researched extensively how to best prepare for my new baby and many of the things she suggested like avoiding exercise or “eating for two” I am fairly certain are a little outdated and not shown to have real benefits.
She even suggested that I take baths with bone broth in them to give healthy bones to the baby? I felt a bit uncomfortable but I knew that she had a lot on her plate, so I complied to not make things more difficult for her.
When I told my husband about the discomfort I felt from the overeating or strange advice, he refused to hear it, saying that he didn’t want to hear me speaking ungratefully about her when she was going through such a difficult time.
After the birth, however, things got even stranger. I had put on weight from the food she insisted I eat and being unable to exercise but as soon as I had the baby, she began making uncomfortable comments about how I needed to be eating less or how she could watch my newborn while I worked out.
She also wanted me to make my baby drink water just a few days after he was born and told me that I needed to let him sleep on his stomach to sleep better, both of which I believe are not particularly good for the baby.
I asked my husband if he could speak to her about these comments as they were beginning to make me feel seriously uncomfortable but he told me that it was probably good to lose some weight after the pregnancy and that she was just trying to show that she cares about the baby.
I need to know if I am justified in seriously putting my foot down on these things. I know that they are just trying to be helpful and I don’t want to feel ungrateful but it feels a little ironic that she insisted I eat so much food during my pregnancy and now expects me to lose it immediately.
I also just feel kind of hurt that my husband isn’t supporting me more when I take on a much greater portion of the responsibilities of our new baby and he isn’t sympathetic to my discomfort. So reddit, am I the AH for refusing to continue taking my MIL’s advice regarding my newborn?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your MIL's advice is actively dangerous: doctors have been recommending "back to sleep" since 1994. Similarly, water is not safe for a newborn. A newborn needs milk; he doesn't need fluids that replace the need for milk.
Take your husband to the pediatrician, ask the pediatrician about your baby's safety and these things, and then tell your husband that, no matter how sad his mother is, that isn't more important than the baby's safety. You have to put your foot down now. And no, don't leave her alone with the baby.
When I had my babies (late 1970s) pediatricians told us to give our babies water and put them to sleep on their tummies. It sounds like MIL is passing on "advice" from either her mother or her own MIL. Possibly even her grandmother! But bathing in bone broth is seriously bizarre.
Both the water and belly sleeping are very dangerous and outdated pieces of advice. Since it seems she means well but is out of touch with current best practices, perhaps your MIL can come to your next pediatrician visit to hear directly about safe sleep, nutrition/feeding, car safety, etc. NTA to put your foot down, hard, on these dangerous practices.
NTA but stop running to your husband, he's of no help to you (and that's a big problem) - stand up to her yourself. "No, I am following the advice of my doctor.' "Do not discuss my weight or body."
And for heaven's sake, eat what you want to eat, you're an adult and can, and need to, say no. You're in a very poor position, with her being there and overbearing, and your husband being spineless and caving in to his mother. Stand up for yourself and your kid.
You need to start being a little more specific and assertive with your MIL. When she suggests that the baby should sleep on it's stomach, you need to say "the doctor was very specific about that. The baby is to be put on it's back only to sleep.
Anything else risks SIDS". When she says that the baby needs to drink water, you need to state "the doctor was very specific that the baby should only have formula or only nurse (whatever you are doing) until the baby is at least XX months old.
In other words, make the doctor the bad guy on whatever is appropriate. As far as your weight is concerned, go ahead and do whatever you feel is right for you. You can nod and say, "thank you for your input" to your MIL without agreeing to anything she suggests.