'AITA for not telling my BF that my best friend is gay? I thought he already figured it out.'

"AITA for not telling my BF that my best friend is gay?"

My BF [28M] (let's call him Bob) and I [26F] have been dating for almost a year. I also have a best friend (let's call him Alex) since childhood. Alex and I hang out all the time. Bob has always said that he's okay with that since the very beginning. If he wasn't okay with it, I wouldn't have agreed to date him.

Plus, it's not like we're intentionally leaving Bob out. Alex has a very free work schedule, so it's super easy for him to find time to hang out. Bob works all the time. A lot of the time when I invite Bob to come along, he's busy with work. Oftentimes, even if he's not busy with work, he just doesn't want to come.

For example, Alex and I like watching horror movies. When we invite Bob to watch with us, he refuses. Alex and I like Japanese food. When we invite Bob to come and try a new restaurant, he refuses because he likes his fish cooked.

I got us tickets for a comedy show, but Bob decided he wasn't really vibing with the comedian after all, so I gave the tickets to Alex and we went instead. I wanted to take cooking classes together, but Bob wasn't interested.

Alex offered to teach me how to cook instead (it's his hobby and he's an excellent cook) so I don't waste money on classes, so I've been spending a lot of him in his house and GIANT kitchen.

Recently, Bob blew up at me. He was yelling at me about how he's always been suspicious about Alex and me, and how he's banning me from continuing with my cooking classes because we're spending too much time together.

He thinks I'm "emotionally cheating" on him, and how I don't treat him like a boyfriend, but I treat Alex like my boyfriend so I should go make Alex happy and go date him instead. I'm just really confused because Alex is gay and he's had a boyfriend of several years. Bob has met Alex's boyfriend. He's been to lot of the house parties they've hosted.

However, we unfortunately live in a place where being gay still carries a lot of stigma, so Alex and his boyfriend have never been super in-your-face about it. Which means that Bob never got it through his thick skull that they were together. Now he's super mad at me for "making him suffer" and giving him "anxiety." He says that if I had just told him that Alex was gay, then he wouldn't have been so worried.

I said that that's none of my business and not my information to disclose, and if he was so concerned, why didn't he come to me and have a proper discussion about it? All of his previous GF have cheated on him, and he thinks that since I knew that why didn't I just tell him anyway? AITA for not telling Bob that Alex is gay, and thus relieving him of a lot of anxiety.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Automatic-Baker-9160 wrote:

Ummm NTA and Bob sounds like, not great? Maybe he is insecure because you have more in common with Alex? Do you and Bob have any shared interests? And it is definitely not your place to disclose Alex's personal life. Especially if you live in a place that is not safe for queer people. Keep Alex, lose Bob.

OP responded:

We do have a lot of shared interests! But Alex and I have known each other since we were 5 years old. I do a lot of things together with Bob, but he's always really really busy with work. So when he can't hang out with me because he doesn't have the time or energy, I hang out with my friends instead, and since Alex has the most free time, it's usually him I hang out with.

Simulacrum79 wrote:

Open your eyes. You said that if Bob was not okay with you hanging out with Alex you would not have dated him. The translation of that requirement is that you want a relationship based on trust and not one where you are constantly proving yourself.

So what he did was lie to you long enough to make you care about him and then he started with the jealous boyfriend act. I think you made a mistake by telling him Alex was gay. Is not about the fact that Alex is gay as it allows him to deflect the discussion towards why you did not tell him this.

The problem is with Bob and not with any proof that you (fail to) provide. The fundamental problem is that he does not trust you when you say you are just friends with a guy. The playbook of jealous boyfriends is that they make their partner prove they can be trusted.

He’s telling you that it is your responsibility for making him anxious. That is classic deflection. He made himself anxious. Bob is a controlling AH. The problem is not Alex. This can happen to any future male colleague or friend that you make. Are you willing to potentially give up making new friends in the future? If it was me I would know what to do with your asshole boyfriend.

KaliTheBlaze wrote:

NTA. It sounds like Bob keeps just…not wanting to do things you want to do. So doing them with a friend instead makes sense. It wouldn’t be on you to out Alex even if you were living somewhere that it’s mainstream and doesn’t raise an eyebrow. FWIW, I don’t eat raw fish ever (it’s a trauma thing), but still enjoy Japanese food.

I’ve yet to encounter a Japanese place that doesn’t have options like yakitori, tempura, sandos, okonomiyaki, and soba. Even you find a rarity that is all sushi and nothing else whatsoever, there’s unagi, ebi, TNT rolls, and other cooked options if you’re willing to be a little flexible and talk to the waiter about your preferences.

ccasketcase wrote:

NTA and also, please break up with Bob. Not only is it immediate grounds for relationship termination the second someone tells you you're "banned" from doing something, anything, especially seeing a close friend.

But it also sounds like you two just aren't compatible, or like he's a bad partner. You invite him to do this, no he doesn't like it - you invite him to do that, no he doesn't want to. What's the point of dating if he won't do anything with you or engage with anything of your interests?

Cultural_Unit7397 wrote:

NTA- You did tell him about your friendship with Alex. You asked him many time to please spend time with you both. Had he would be privy to the information that honestly isnt yours to share unless it has been bespoken beforehand with Alex.

It's kind of bait and switch like to say he is okay with you two being friends then shutting himself off to the idea of getting to know him knowing he is a part of your personal inner circle.

He created the stress and anxiety because he lacked the maturity to 1 meet and involve himself in your world more and 2 refusing to come and have a proper conversation about his concerns and blowing up at you instead. take some time to reflect how to respond. He is going to be coming from a place of embarrassment and anger and will need time to process.

I hope he comes to a point that a conversation can be held and not a screaming match. Sending good vibe. and also keep and eye out for other flags. learning to communicate is a lot of work on both people. I hope he is willing to do the work if you want to continue with him.