'AITA for not telling my boyfriend about my birth name? He's calling me deceitful.' UPDATED 2X
"AITAH for not telling my boyfriend about my birth name?"
My boyfriend 27 M and I, 25 F have been together for a few months now. I noticed he started acting distant a few weeks ago, but I tried not to get too worried about it because everyone has off days and he'd been very stressed at work for awhile now.
Yesterday, when I was over at his apartment, I asked him if he was alright or if I had done something wrong. He was reluctant to tell me but I continued to reassure him and let him know we needed to communicate to fix problems. He then told me he'd been talking to one of my friends and found out I'm "not who I claim to be."
I asked him to elaborate because I was genuinely confused about what he meant. He told me my friend had told him of my birth name (which I changed when I was 22 because I really did not like that name).
I was adopted as a child from foster care after my biological parents were deemed unfit to raise me. I changed my birth name because it reminded me of my old family. It wasn't anything massive, both my old and new names are still feminine and what I find to be respectable.
My boyfriend seemed genuinely upset I didn't tell him about my old name, and called me a liar and cursed me out for deceiving him. I honestly thought it wasn't a big deal because I never go by that name anyways and I feel like he's blowing it out of proportion. He has not been speaking to me after this incident happened and alot of my friends are siding with him. I would like some other opinions on this.
Commenters did not hold back one bit.
mollydyer wrote:
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NTA. Not at all. Not even close.
didthefabrictear wrote:
27-years-old and he responds to something minor like this (that has zero effect on him) with swearing and radio silence? JFC why are so many of these men so absolutely incredibly fragile and totally incapable of regulating their emotions, especially anger. Run, at a faster than average pace.
irraticbreakfast11 wrote:
NTA. I was adopted and changed names as well. I don't consider the initial name I was given as mine but the one I chose (legal). My wife didn't find out about this until several years into our marriage. She was interested and understanding. Haven't talked about it since. BF appears to need to mature a bit.
Tiger_Striped_Queen wrote:
There is something disgustingly wrong with him and hopefully he will be an ex soon. Acting like this after only a few months? Do you really want the sort of life where you’re accused of something every week?
There is absolutely no rational reason for him to act this way. Plenty of adopted people change their names when it’s finalized, it’s not deceitful or even makes you a liar.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
I have since spoken to my friend who claims she did not tell my boyfriend about my birth name. I found that quite strange but she promises me that my boyfriend was the one who brought it up in casual conversation and she said it wasn't like he was asking her, more like he wanted her to agree with him.
I tried to ask her why they were talking in the first place and she made up an excuse about having to go. I suspect something else might be going on there but moving on, that's not the point of this post.
My boyfriend came over to my apartment yesterday, since he's decided to speak to me again. He seemed to be over it and I thought everything was good. Until he goes to say something to me and purposely says my birth name and then my current name. (For the purpose of this post, lets just say my birth name was 'Kate' and my current name is 'Sam'.)
Ex: "Hey, Ka- Sam, pass me the salt." I felt very betrayed by that, and I knew he was doing it just to be an AH because he had never once known or called me by that name. I asked him to stop as politely as I could, to which he repeated "What was that Kate? I mean Sam." I blew up on him about it, and told him if he "couldn't get my freaking name right" that he could get out of my house.
He told me to learn to take a joke and called me an immature r-word and then left. I'm writing this right before I call to break up with him because I cant handle him doing this all the time and at this point I'm so fed up I'm just done. I feel like it obviously sounds worse in writing then in real life, but either way, I don't think I can stay with him.
The comments kept coming.
maddestofhatters88 wrote:
1 - Cussed you out (that alone would be it for me)
2 - Gave you silent treatment, like a child
3 - Purposefully called you the wrong name repeatedly, also like a child
…girl, life is just too damn short
CJCreggsGoldfish wrote:
4 - Calls her names.
5 - Mocks ppl with developmental disabilities.
ph_ph-photobomb wrote:
Wtf! If you legally changed your name, then that's your name. He has issues, and there's something deeper going on, like maybe he wants you to leave him so he can be a victim and you're the bad guy.
Natural_War1261 wrote:
Or he's sleeping with the, hopefully, ex friend
newtonianlaws wrote:
NTA that’s not a joke, that’s harassment. Never stay with someone who neither respects your preferences nor your boundaries. He’s not funny, it’s not meant to be funny, it’s meant to punish you for withholding information he had no need to know.
Dating is for vetting, this guy failed. I’m not sure your friend is a friend either. Honestly, I don’t think you realize how really bad his behaviors are, you need not down play your reaction.
SouthMathematician32 wrote:
NTA. However if you continue to stay with him and allow him to manipulate you and continue to mentally and emotionally ab-se you then you will be TA. When my wife and I first met, she introduced herself to me by a name different from her birth name. Later on I found out what her birth name actually was.
I asked her why she goes by a different name and she told me the reason and that she had legally changed her name to what she introduced herself to me by. Her mother even tried to correct me one time when she heard me addressing her daughter (my girlfriend at the time) by the name that she asked me to call her by.
I in turned corrected her mother and told her that her daughter wish to be addressed by the name of her choosing, as she was an adult and it was her choice on how she wished to be addressed by, especially since she went through the effort of having it legally changed.
My wife had overheard the conversation and asked why did I stand up for her like that. I simply told her, "because I respected her." To this day I continued to address her by the name that she chose.
The key factor is respect!!! He obviously does not respect you. It is not his choice as to what he feels your name should be. That is your choice! If he truly loved, cared for, and respected you, then it wouldn't matter what name you chose to be called by.
Even with all that said, by virtue of your friends betrayal, just dump both of them and free yourself of this pain and suffering and find someone who truly has real love and respect for you. Besides, when love truly flourishes between two people, they tend to start calling one another by loving pet names instead of there actual names anyways. LOL 😅
A few days later, OP shared another update.
I broke up with my (now) ex boyfriend. He obviously knew it was coming and did not seem all that sad about it, so I'm speculating that the suspicion of cheating might have been true. Though, about three hours after I broke up with him (which I did in person at a small coffee shop nearby my apartment in a way that I tried to be non-aggressive and kind about it).
He began calling me non-stop, telling me I'm a lying bitch who only wanted his money and overall just calling me all sorts of rude things and s-xist comments. I took screenshots of it just in case the harassment continues but otherwise have taken no action towards him or responded to him at all.
I have since blocked him and the friend he was getting a little too personal with so I don't feel the need to keep an eye on them or anything because what they do is really no matter to me now. A few of my other 'friends' have been getting mad at me because of how I ended things with him, saying that I should not have been so petty about my name or accuse him of cheating.
I'm not sure how they could have heard about any of that unless he was spreading rumors about me, but I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions. Otherwise, I gave him anything he had at my apartment, as he has done for my things.
Luckily we did not live together so I did not have to worry about moving apartments or anything. The only thing I'm really wondering now, would be if I would be a b-- if I sent the screenshots to other people, like the friends who are siding with him or some other people in his circle? I don't think I'm going to but just thinking.
The internet continued to offer support.
TheCrisco wrote:
NTA. He was a dick over something that shouldn't have mattered at all to him, but clearly mattered to you, it's that simple. I'd end it with the 'friends' that are mad at you about it too, they're not worth keeping around if they can't respect you enough to understand that your current name is your name, and it's that way by choice.
They should have the decency to know you deserve to be called by it and not your former name. Send them the screenshots if you like, it wouldn't make you a bad person or anything, I'd just consider if they're worth the effort first.
Usual-Canary-7764 wrote:
Sending those screenshots is like telling someone who is in love their partner is cheating...it can go either way:
-They may appreciate it and still stick to the other person, in which case you are still the odd duck
-They may appreciate it, leave the other person, and be forever resentful of you for 'ruining' that -ship
-They may not appreciate it and flip on you completely
-It could make no difference at all.
-They may come to your side after seeing it all
None of the above seems to be worth it...I would just move on. 5 options means about 20% chance of each with only option 5 favouring OP. If 4 people in a 20 friend group don't automatically side with you after years of knowing you...all 20 of them don't deserve to be in your life.
Winter_7213 wrote:
NTA. BTW, your ex…He sounds like -such- a prize… /s.
Hey OP, keep your head up. At least your old name did you one good, helped you dodge a major bullet and not further invest your time and resources into this…this…uhh I will remain civil and not complete the sentence.
If I were you I will pay attention to how people around you reacts to all this so you can filter out the ones you are better off cutting ties with. It’s life and I am sure you will come out of it all the better. This one internet stranger is rooting for you, and I am sure many others who come across your post are!