'AITA for not telling my ex I got pregnant with my new BF so he's probably infertile?' UPDATED 3X
"Am I the a$$hole for not telling my ex I got pregnant?"
I (28 F) was with my ex-husband for about 6 years. During this time, we were trying for a baby but had no success. About 4 years into our marriage, our marriage had a rough patch. My ex had stress had work and slept with his coworker to ‘relieve’ it. He confessed to me rather quick and a week later, they sat me down and told me they were expecting a child.
I was an idiot back then and so I felt like I should forgive him because I truly believed he loved me and I thought I had no one. I was wrong. My ex’s family treated me like their own, but my ex’s supposed daughter was the apple of their eye. As a result of that, my exs coworker was frequent presence in our lives.
They felt like they had to include the mom of their grandchild for everything too and she made her way in every family picture and memory. It didn’t help that I suspected that the coworker had feelings for my ex and flirted with him when she can. People thought that she was my exs wife constantly and I finally had enough when during the baby girls first birthday party when I was told to take a picture of my ex,
his mistress, his daughter, and his parents and it didn’t include me. It hit me that I was now treated as the other woman and I realized that I deserved more than this bullshit. I filed for divorce a few months later and left. It was the hardest time of my life but I ended up getting a promotion at work and met this sweet, wonderful guy.
Fast forward to now, me and my boyfriend are madly in love and I gave birth to an adorable baby girl that I considered a miracle baby. I got pregnant with my boyfriend like 3 months after dating him and I thought that it was strange that this could happen since my previous failed attempts with ex and had thought that I was the infertile one.
It crossed my mind then that maybe he was the infertile one and he only believed mistress was pregnant with his child because they were having an affair. I didn’t say anything though because it was not my place anymore. However, my boyfriend was so happy about my daughters birth and posted it on Facebook and tagged me in the post. I was still friends with my ex SIL on FB and she saw the post.
She called me up and said that she was hurt that I didn’t let her know that I could actually get pregnant and the lack of child during my first marriage could be my ex’s fault. He took a paternity test. The poor baby girl was NEVER my ex’s. The coworker apparently was dating this ‘terrible’ guy during the time she slept with my ex and didn’t know who the child’s father was
so she just strung my ex along cause she had feelings for him and thought he’d be the best father for her child. Now my ex blames me for not telling him that I was pregnant way before and him having to father this girl. He’s doing pretty bad now and I can’t help but feel guilty like I should’ve told him.
She later shared this update:
I don’t think I have to prove my story and I honestly posted this not to seek validation that my ex supposedly is the worst ever, but to gain perspective since my ex and his family were MY family and close confidantes for a large period of my life. We were pretty close and I had promised to keep in touch after the divorce (which they were super upset about), but I really couldn’t after everything that happened between us.
They’re now super pissed at me for the divorce and for being complicit in my ex taking on the expenses of his not-daughter and forming a paternal connection with her for longer than he should’ve.
And then she shared this second update:
So here’s what’s been happening right now, I haven’t spoken to them after this and have been avoiding my ex’s calls. He texted me saying that he is sorry and overreacted and felt guilty about prioritizing ‘people who were never really family’ over me. I only replied with asking how his daughter is because even though she isn’t biologically his, she’s still his girl.
She seems like an adorable kiddo and adores her dad :(. My ex‘s mistress is able to support the girl financially so my ex won’t contribute to that but he says that he’s still going to see her every month because he feels morally obligated to. I feel bad for the girl so much because she seems to have lost her family unit (dad, grandparents, cousins).
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A note on the infertility: I always assumed that it was me who was infertile because I had incidents in college where I didn’t use protection a couple of times (very irresponsible and highly not recommended) and nothing came out of it. At the time, I believed I was extremely lucky, but when trying to get pregnant,
I thought of the incident as ‘proof’ that I was the infertile one and had led my ex to believe as such. Him supposedly getting his coworker pregnant strengthened my belief. We were actually going to go to a fertility clinic before we got the news about his coworker, but that never ended up happening.
NTA - first of all, what the hell - your ex cheats on you and blames you for him taking on fatherhood for a child that is not his?
What a - I am not going to say it, because this comment will be removed.
sorry - no rough patch justifies cheating, he should have taken up counselling. He slept with her, he cheated, he should have considered the possibility, that she is sleeping with other guys, too. The only one he can blame is the woman who forced that child onto him and himself.
Don't feel bad, you don't need to be mad at your ex, but you sure as hell need to grow up and be mad at the audacity, that he is trying to make you the bad one here. It's great you still get along with your Ex's family, but ma dude, he made his bed, cheating with his coworker - who was already in bed with another man - now he can lie in it and take care of alimony suits or whatever his plan is.
I hope he can figure out something, because that child considers him her dad already - but hell, that woman stole years from him. And also want to make clear, yeah the last sentence was a bit hard to understand - I do still think it was entirely EXs fault and he got all he deserved and more;
however I also see another issue here, the fact of slipping another human being a fast one; in this case a baby and playing on their good faith, suggesting it is their child. EX was at least '!decent!' enough to take on responsibility for the child he thought was his. He played OP and got played in turn. This is a mess and the child is the only one losing here.
Nta. Your ex cheated, you moved on. He has now abandoned the lady that drove a wedge in your relationship because she was sleeping with another when you were married to him. He is TA. His life choices are in no way your fault. Cut him out. Congratulations for moving on. Go and enjoy your new family. New man sounds like he is going to be a much better father.
Thank you for your kind words. He’s the best <3. He’s been in love with me for so long and right under my nose too and I just can’t believe that I couldn’t notice him earlier.
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Some time passed, and then she shared this third update:
First things first, I’m getting married! My boyfriend proposed a few weeks ago and we’ll be tying the knot once this whole mess of a year is over. I know a lot of people here said that my ex’s family is toxic and I shouldn’t keep in touch with them, but I did contact them to tell them about my engagement, eek!
It went.. well. My ex-MIL cried and told me she was happy for me and apologized for everything. She felt bad about what happened and promises to keep in touch with me. My ex-SIL also apologized for blowing up at me but she was just very overwhelmed by everything going on in her family’s life. I can sympathize and told her that all is forgiven.
This family is still super important to me but this felt more like closure and I’m at peace with my feelings now. It’s a chapter in my life that was bittersweet with a lot of great memories but is now closed. I’ll always look back fondly, but now it’s time for me to move on.
The last I’ve heard, My ex’s ex-child(???) is living with her mother and her biological father is now more involved in her life. My ex stopped visiting all together and doesn’t seem to be in great shape but I haven’t inquired because I don’t feel like it’s my place anymore. I wish him well and hopefully he’s able to move on from this.