Woman's ex livid when their son tells him she has adopted a little girl. AITA?
"AITA for not telling my ex that I adopted a child?"
I (38F) have been single for 6 years. Though never married, my ex, Eric (41M) and I share a 4-year old son, Bryson. We broke up shortly after Bry’s 3rd birthday but were hoping to get back together.
I got pregnant thereafter but unfortunately miscarried. I wanted to salvage whatever I thought we had left but Eric decided to move on. He is now married and he and his wife have a daughter with another child on the way.
Since our breakup, I haven’t seriously dated but I’ve always wanted another child. With that, I secretly started the adoption process a year and a half ago, and now I’m the proud mother to a beautiful baby girl. I never told Eric about this because he once told me, in no uncertain terms, that our relationship only extended to our son.
The adoption process was long but very personal for me. I only told my mom and best friend, who were largely supportive, though realistic about the challenges of being a single mom to two kids.
However, when Eric found out about my daughter from our son, he was angry. He said that finding out that I adopted through Bry was childish and that he should have been the first person to know, since adding a baby to my household could affect our son. He said we owed it to Bry for the two of us to have a sit-down conversation with him about this.
I informed Eric that I already had a conversation with Bry and that he was excited about his little sister. I also told him that what he was proposing would have been awkward, since he and I are no longer together and he’s not my daughter’s father.
He then got angry and said that as a single mother, Bryson’s lifestyle shouldn’t change because of a new baby, even though he and his wife now have children of their own.
For context, I make close to $80,000 before taxes not including child support. I let Eric know that I am more than financially stable to care for 2 children and was honoring his wishes that we only focus on Bryson, but he still called me selfish and accused me of holding a grudge. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Does he notify you of any pending things (like pregnancies) that would affect your son?
He moved on, got married, and had more kids without consulting her. Why should you have to inform him about her personal decisions? As long as Bryson is happy and taken care of, that’s all that matters.
NTA you did what's best for your family and didn't owe him any explanation.
Your timeline makes no sense. You have a 4 year old with your ex and you split up when he was 3. Yet you claim to have been single for 6 years now. Since your split you ex has also gotten married and had 1 baby with another on the way? The ages/timeline makes no sense.
NTA. Did he call you every time he had unprotected sex with his wife to have a discussion about how a potential pregnancy would impact your son?
NTA. Your family planning is not his business and you do not owe him a sit-down about a child that is not his. He is just mad you moved on without needing his input.
Honestly, it sounds like you did the best thing for your family! If Eric wants to play ‘dad of the year’ now, he might want to check his calendar he's a little late to this party!
NTA. They call them Ex's for a reason. You don't have to tell him anything at all, other than what the schedule for pickup of your son is. When he moved on, he gave up his rights to be involved in your life, except where your son is involved.
NTA. You definitely don’t need his permission. But in general, I think it’s fair when you are separated and co-parenting, you let them know about significant changes that will affect your kid (new child, partner moving in, etc)
YTA, but ESH. You and your ex share a child together. While your ex has no say in your decision to adopt or have children, you should have notified them about such a drastic change to your family that will obviously impact your son. Your actions were childish.
This has absolutely nothing to do with your ex-husband or his interests - it has everything to do with how your biological son should have been prepared for this. Your husband should have been notified before then, and you should have had a conversation about how to best prepare him for this.
Most people in your situation spend months preparing their child for a new sibling and often involve child psychologists to ensure the transition is smooth. Your ex is childish and you are childish. You're both focused on your contempt for one another, instead of your child.
NTA. Your ex on the other hand… Did he really inform you of his wife’s pregnancies before anyone else? Not even her mother knew before you? Honestly what an ass. Should you decide to have or adopt 10 more, it’s still none of his business.
NTA. He doesn't get a vote in the decisions you make in your life anymore, beyond what is written in your custody decree. Just like when he and his wife have children, THEY have a conversation with him (at the time that they deem appropriate), you have done the same when expanding your family.
You are perfectly capable of deciding whether or not you're prepared to adopt a child, and you had to do all of the hoop jumping that goes along with adoption. Did you find out about Bry's half-siblings from your ex, or from Bry? Did he sit you down with his wife to tell Bry that he was having siblings? GTFO, Eric.