'AITA for not telling my ex-wife about my new GF until she found out on her own?'
"AITA for not telling my ex-wife about my new GF until she found out on her own?"
newgirlwhodisthrow writes:
My ex-wife and I have been divorced for 2-years. We share custody of our 2 sons, 5 & 7. We still live within half an hour of each other which makes co-parenting relatively simple in regards to picking up and dropping off the kids. All in all, I think we do a pretty good job of making sure the kids are as well adjusted as they can be at this point and we communicate as well as we can.
However, there was one thing I haven't told my ex about yet. About 3-4 months ago, I met someone. We took it relatively slow starting out, but have since gotten fairly serious and have been spending a lot of time together. I have made a point not to have her at my house when I have the kids,
because I'm not ready to introduce my kids to anyone that they might think of as a replacement to their mom and also because it's only been a few months. New GF knows I have kids and am divorced and she hasn't pressured me at all into meeting them or anything like that.
Since the relationship is relatively new, I haven't told my ex. For one, I don't know where this new relationship will go, it's my first relationship after the divorce. Also, I don't know if my dating life is her business or not as long as I'm not exposing my kids to any of it. This all blew up in my face a couple weeks ago.
My ex was going to drop the kids off with me in the afternoon and my new GF had spent the night the night before. New GF and I stayed in bed a little later than usual, as new couples are want to do. What I didn't notice during this time, was that my ex had called and sent texts saying that she needed to drop the kids off sooner than she had planned due to a work emergency.
Ex ended up just driving over to my house and saw my car there so she rang the doorbell. Which just happened to be answered by my new GF wearing nothing but a towel because I was still in the bathroom. Needless to say, a whole lot of awkwardness ensued and my new GF rushed out of the house as fast as she could. My ex and I got the kids settled in and then she wanted to talk to me before she left.
My ex was pissed that I had a girl over and accused me of exposing our kids to random women. I tried to explain to her what happened and told her she wasn't supposed to just show up at my house like that anyway and that she was half a day early with dropping the kids off, but she wouldn't listen. She called me an asshole for not answering my phone and called me and my new GF a bunch of names too.
I get that this all came as a shock to her and it wasn't my intention for my ex to find out like this. But I also feel like I am allowed to live my own life as I want now and don't need permission from anyone. I keep my dating life separate from my kids and meet all my obligations to my sons. Should I have told my ex about me dating again? Was I an a$$hole to keep this a secret from her?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
OneMikeNation said:
NTA: Only time you would be obligated to tell your ex about a new gf is when you are planning on introducing them to your kids. Besides that she doesn't need to know who you are dating
Illuminator007 said:
NAH. You: You seem to have taken reasonable measures with this relationship in terms of not bringing the new partner into your children's lives. As such, it's not particularly you ex's business until it involved your children. You made an honest mistake in not paying attention to your phone, and are generally operating responsibly.
Your Ex: While you have the benefit of the knowledge of how you're keeping this new partner separate from your children for now, the time to consider what this new relationship means to you, and how to create some compartmentalization between her and your children, your ex did not have the benefit of this knowledge, or time to process it. She had a work emergency, couldn't get in touch with you,
and was greeted by a half naked woman. Her actions, in terms of calling you and her names, were not appropriate. But perhaps they were slightly excusable within the framework of your having had several months to think about this, versus her only having had several minutes to think about it. If the roles were reversed (IE You had a work emergency, couldn't get ahold of her,
and knocked on her door to be greeted by a half naked man as your first hint she's dating someone new, with no knowledge of how this person was or was not in your childrens' lives) would you react in the best possible way? I think neither of you have been perfect here (you in not answering your phone, and her in over-reacting), but neither rises to the level of "asshole".
Echeveria1987 said:
YTA, mildly, for not answering or checking your phone. I know it is nice to spend alone time with a partner but as a parent you are obligated to at least be reachable. If of your kids had been seriously hurt or if something sudden had happened to your wife that she could not care for the kids you should be reachable
justslightlyparanoid said:
NTA. The situation was awkward, but it wasn’t intentional and your new relationship isn’t her business.
[deleted] said:
NTA but what in hell is your GF doing answering the door in a freaking TOWEL????? At least put a ROBE on!!!