'AITA for not telling my fiancée that my late partner was a man?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my fiancée that my late partner was a man?"
I (29M) lost my fiancé four years ago in a car accident. He and I were both 25 at the time and had been together since we were 19. If soulmates are real, he was mine. He was stubborn, he preferred a way earlier bedtime than I did, and was a major homebody, and I loved all of it.
He would stay up with me until he was sure I fell asleep and weekly movie theater outings (planned by him) became a thing like a month into us meeting. I am a fundamentally different person both because I met him and because of my grief. I was shown what real love and effort and care feels like. I also don't talk about him. I go to therapy once a week. Otherwise, it's silence on that topic from me.
He lives on in me in the ways I try to emulate him. I practice the patience he had that I always struggled to find. I go after career related opportunities that scare me because I know he would encourage me to. Sometimes I let myself stay in bed because I know he'd be gentle with me and let me do that too.
But I don't talk about him and I probably never will. I'll make the occasional "Oh, X would've loved this," comment when I'm with friends who knew him well. With strangers, nothing. My friends and family respect that, as well. I'm engaged again. My fiancée (31F) obviously knows I was engaged before. I pretty much told her "My last partner passed away and I don't talk about it."
I don't use social media in really any capacity anymore but she happened to stumble upon an old Instagram profile of mine recently and saw him heavily featured. This led to her accusing me of purposefully keeping this from her. I don't really see why his gender matters and I told her so. She said I've broken her trust.
Times like these are when I long for the life I was living before. But grief messed up my brain so I'm not sure if I'm being insensitive.
EDIT: She knew I am bi. The only thing she didn’t know was that my fiancé was a man.
The commenters had a lot to say in response to OP's quandary.
ElkWidowMom wrote:
Oof, some of these comments are rough…here’s my perspective as a widow. You need to talk to your therapist about this. Not the internet.
Most people have no idea what it’s like to lose so much and just how much that loss shapes you. But also, It’s concerning to me that he sounds like such a big part of your internal life, but you’ve never even mentioned him with your current partner.
Before you get married, you need to dig into why you’ve compartmentalized this to such an intense degree. Why are you hiding him? What are you afraid of? If I’m being generous, I think seeing that your late fiancé was a man shocked your fiancée into realizing that she knows absolutely nothing about this major part of you.
Comfortable-Focus123 wrote:
Based on how you describe your relationship with your ex, and fail to say anything about your current fiancee, I am not certain you are ready to be married to her, or anyone for that matter right now. You still seem to be in your past relationship more than your current one. Perhaps some counseling will help you move into a better place.
FruitySalads wrote:
You’re just not ready man, and that’s ok. I wish you happiness.
SwimmingProgram6530 wrote:
Sorry for your loss. I would say that if it hurts to even discuss your late partners gender and you write that he was your soul mate then maybe your new relationship was too soon. It’s lovely to talk about a love one with friends, it keeps the memories alive and whilst your new partner wouldn’t have know him I’m surprised pronouns were not used when discussing your first fiancé.
Edit. I have just read your update. I unsure what her issue is if she already knew you were bi, unless it become more real for her with your first fiancé. She obviously has issues regarding your s-xuality which will need to be addressed. I still however feel you need to deal with your grief before thinking of another marriage.
peakpenguins wrote:
A very gentle YTA because I get why you wouldn't want to talk about something that awful, but you're about to get married again and your fiance doesn't even know that he was a man? To me, it wouldn't matter whether he was a he or a she, but I also don't know how comfortable I'd feel marrying someone who wasn't at least somewhat open with me about that part of their past.
United-Signature-414 wrote:
YTA . If your late fiance is still a completely untouchable subject to the point that your current partner doesn't even know their gender (I mean really, you've never "X was really good at xyz, he used to...") then you are in no way ready to be in a serious relationship let alone get married.
horshack_test wrote:
"I don't really see why his gender matters"
Then why were you not honest about it with your fiancé? If it doesn't matter, then why make a point to keep it from her?
Also, you very much seem to not have moved past your relationship with him (requiring ongoing therapy), and clearly care more about that relationship that the one with your fiancé;
"I long for the life I was living before."
Have you told her this? Because this is also something that she should know when deciding whether or not she actually wants to marry you.
"I'll make the occasional "Oh, X would've loved this," comment when I'm with friends who knew him well. With strangers, nothing."
You group your fiancé with strangers you don't discuss your previous engagement/partner with. And obviously, none of your friends or family members have mentioned to her that your previous fiancé was a man - there is no way that isn't just coincidence. YTA.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
I figured I'd go ahead and post an update: Yesterday, I had an emergency therapy session because I was spiraling and didn't feel prepared to tackle the upcoming conversation with my fiancée without one. It was hard but necessary as I was finally honest about just how much I was compartmentalizing my grief. It laid the foundation for where I'd like to go moving forward. Now I have to put in the legwork.
The few hours between my therapy appointment and my fiancée getting off work was evidence of just how avoidant I've become. It was a conversation we needed, but definitely not one I wanted. When we finally sat down to talk, I asked her to start us off by telling me exactly what was bothering her about the whole situation.
She said because I had come out to her in a casual way (the way I come out to anyone, by mentioning it early on when it seems natural to bring up), she didn't realize how "serious" I was and this made her look at me differently. She apologized for that and suggested that if I told her more about him now, it might be an easier pill for her to swallow.
I tried, but there was this knot in my stomach the entire time I tried to pick a place to start. And maybe this is me being cruel, not giving her the benefit of the doubt, but it just didn't feel right. She hadn't come and said, "I was shocked because I realized how little I know about this time in your life. Would you be open to talking about it now?"
Instead it felt like, "tell me what you saw in him so I can attempt to rationalize your orientation." I told her I needed some time, so she went to stay elsewhere for the weekend.
A longtime good friend of mine came over this morning. I think the combination of anonymously talking more openly about my partner here as well as being more open with my therapist helped remind me of how joyous and cathartic it could be. I don't know the exact catalyst, but I do know I spilled my guts.
We talked for hours about things I haven't told anyone in years. I expressed how nervous I was about possibly living alone again and I was told that I didn't ever have to worry about that — that an SOS text message would be all it took for me to have company if I needed it. (Same goes for all my friends and family. I'm so lucky I have an incredible support system.)
Five minutes into that hours long conversation, I already knew. The trust, security, and love I felt made room for this newfound openness. The absence of any one of those marks a relationship DOA, and is why I felt physically ill trying to share his memory with her.
I truly wish her the best. I think going our separate ways will be good for both of us. We weren't getting what we needed from each other. She's supposed to be coming back tomorrow, so we'll have the talk then. I have lots of work to do but for tonight, I get to be reminded of what safety feels like.
EDIT: Please see the comment below where I elaborate on the conversation she and I had. There seems to be this misunderstanding where I blame her for everything because she didn’t perfectly respond to the situation. Two things can be true: I wasn’t open, I am largely accountable for the problems in this relationship and I never should have entered it if I wasn’t ready. She also said ignorant things.
I’m not angry about it and it’s certainly not the sole reason we’re breaking up. It’s just another reason, on the pile of reasons why this isn’t sustainable. Me still not feeling comfortable enough to share with her =/= me blaming her for everything (or even the majority.) It was just the final nail in the coffin between ‘maybe we can make this work with a lot of effort’ and ‘this needs to end now.’
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
You’re human and you’re grieving. You made mistakes, you’re admitting to them, you’re working through stuff. Just wanted to encourage you not to get too caught up in everyone here piling on. I get your concerns about possible biphobia, too.
None of us were there in that conversation, and our opinions don’t matter much anyway because we’re not in your relationship. Go in peace. Best wishes for your continued healing and personal growth.
poetrysonnets OP's comment he mentioned above:
Thank you, sincerely. It can be easy to get so focused on what people are getting wrong that I get stuck doom scrolling, haha.
The conversation I had with her left me sick to my stomach and uncomfortable. I’m definitely not excusing the choices I made— this could’ve been rectified much earlier had I been open.
But it seems like everyone here is just brushing off my experience of the discussion we had, one where I specifically opened the floor to explain why she freaked out so much about his gender. Her answers didn’t strike me as something that would lead to either of us being happy long-term.
Yeah! My nose has been in my phone long enough. Time to turn it off for the night and enjoy the real world. I appreciate you and your understanding.
It sounds as if you are not completely over the death of your fiancé. I hope some day you are able to love again but that day has clearly not come yet.
I could even tell that from his original post from the paragraphs he spent talking about the original fiance in great, loving detail and how he talks more about not wanting to be alone more than losing his new fiance. He doesn't seem to love the new fiance.
About a week later OP came back with this second mini-update and "thank you":
I wanted to thank everyone for this sudden influx of nice comments and messages. I woke up to quite a few notifications and saw that I now have 80 followers here. I’m probably not going to stick around on this account so I’m not sure if those follows are warranted, but I appreciate all the kind words all the same!
I ended my relationship a week ago and honestly, I’ve been enjoying single life. I was so terrified of living alone again - and I’m sure the loneliness will kick my a^% at some point - but man… it’s kind of really nice.
I think my last relationship was an excuse for me to continue hiding from and suppressing my emotions / myself. I feel freer now. I feel more open. It’s hard and painful, but I also feel like I’m remembering parts of myself that I lost or spent 4 years shoving into a box.
I went out Friday night! That’s something I haven’t done since before my life changed so drastically. I steered clear from alcohol for a long time because I was really terrified of the possibility of self medicating with it. Now, I trust myself with moderation. I went out, had a few drinks, and danced with friends.
I used to feel intense guilt for being happy. It wasn’t rational and i’ve outgrown that. Now, I just wish he was here. I miss running back from the dance floor to where he was talking to friends. I miss having someone waiting for me.
I miss acting like it was such a hassle to leave early upon his request when really, I was looking forward to being home with my best friend. (And yes, I miss the [___], I haven’t had good [___] in so long it should be considered a national emergency.) But yeah! Single life is good so far. Thanks again for the compassion and understanding.
Here's what people had to say after this update:
How about your ex and your best friend?
I have purposely avoided speaking about the breakup conversation here. I’m not interested in sharing the details. She does have friends and family in the area, she’ll be fine.
My friend is amazing and very special to me. I’m immensely grateful for him and all the friends in my life I truly trust. I would be doing both of us a major disservice by pursuing him romantically so soon after a failed relationship where one of the lessons I learned, among many, is that I’m not ready yet.
The thought of getting into another relationship makes my head feel cluttered. That’s the best way I can describe it. Thinking about sharing my life with someone else in that way right now makes my brain turn on a “no signal” channel that’s just playing TV static.
Good luck, you sound like you have an amazing support system. Your story made it out to other places and I’m happy to say everyone supports you and your future.