'AITA for not telling my girlfriend I’m bisexual? She's upset I didn't bring it up.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not telling my girlfriend I’m bisexual?"

Okay this is ridiculous, but she has explicitly asked me to ask the internet because she’s convinced she’s in the right. So my gf (24F) and I (21M) were talking about school and our childhoods a few days ago- I originally lived in England but she’s always been a Scotland girl so we were comparing.

I was showing her pictures of me and my mates from when were were 16/17 and she noticed that me and one of my friends seemed a little close in some of the pictures, even noticed that I was sitting in his lap in one if them. So she asked me and I just flat out told her ‘that’s my ex’ because it didn’t seem like a big deal to me, it still doesn’t.

She got a bit annoyed then and asked me why I hadn’t told her about this before. I assume the ‘this’ she was talking about was my ex and I said that I hadn’t really thought about him in a while because we were teenagers and I’ve moved away since then. She got more annoyed then and said ‘not that, I mean that you like guys.

I got kind of confused then because it’s not something I hid from her. She’s right, I’ve never explicitly told her that I’m bi, but I have pins of the flag on several bags, we thirst over male celebrities together- hell, the night we met I was flirting with her male friend at a pub (this was lighthearted and before we were dating obviously).

So anyway I apologised for not telling her and asked what the big deal was, she’s not homophobic by any means, and I didn’t understand why she was getting so angry. I told her as such, and she stared at me blankly, appalled, as if I should know. She said didn’t like being lied to- which I didn’t, she never asked and it never came up!

But okay, I get why she was upset at that, it could be seen as hurtful and she’s sensitive, we both are, so I understood and apologised. She then said that she couldn’t believe I had ever been with a guy and that it was weird.

I asked her why it was weird, said that I’ve seen pictures with her and her exes and that i was okay with it, and she said the ex thing didn’t bother her, it’s that my ex was a guy. This baffles me more, because again, she’s not homophobic, at least I didn’t think she was. She asked if I ever thought I was just gay and not bi and I said no, said that I liked girls before I ever knew I liked guys.

She said to me she didn’t really believe in bisexuality, said that it ‘wasn’t a good look for the community’ or something along those lines. I said well I am one so here’s the proof. The argument basically went round in circles at that point until we went to bed. We have really spoken properly since.

Whenever I try she interrupts me and tells me that’s she ‘can’t believe I was gay before her and lied about it’ which again, not gay, I’m bi, I like girls- I like her! It’s so frustrating to me because she won’t even hear me out and just tells me she feel betrayed that I lied to her and she thinks I’m just dating her because I don’t want to ‘fully commit to being gay’.

She hasn’t broken up with me as of yet, but I feel like she’s going to if we keep arguing like this and she won’t let me get a word in.

So AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Okay nothing has happened with the situation because it’s the middle of the night and I posted this a few hours ago, but this seems to have blown up a little bit, so I’m going to clarify and clear things up a bit. First of all, those people who think I’m going to give my gf an STD or are convinced I have aids or whatever, f off.

Genuinely. I’m sorry I don’t like being mean to people, even over the internet but far too many of you seem to have this thought. First of all, my gf insisted we both take STI tests before we did anything because she got one from a previous partner and doesn’t want that to happen again.

Second of all, all of you convinced that slept around with men and contracted some deadly virus, I have never had traditional s-x with a guy.

The only guy I’ve ever been with was first relationship with said ex mentioned in the post, and my only other relationship has been with a the woman who took my virginity, which the relationship only lasted a month. So stop. Now to clarify some important things. Yes. I know I should’ve mentioned I was bisexual to her once we started dating, but truthfully, it didn’t even occur to me to.

I’m a little air-headed and thoughtless- I’m not very good at communicating with people in general and can be quite thoughtless and annoying. Most of my friends back home are queer and a lot of her’s are too, from what they all said when I met them for the first time. Ive also been told that you can tell I’m bisexual by a lot of people including my own parents.

So with all that, it completely didn’t occur to me to tell her. I do know tho that that isn’t really an excuse and that I should’ve told her immediately in the pursuit of transparency. I am working on my communication skill and knowing when to be more mindful and mention things even if they don’t seem important to me.

I wasn’t trying to hide it, and I wasn’t trying to make her guess by leaving little hints here and there, I thought it was obvious so I didn’t mention it. Clearly it wasn’t and I need to be more mindful, I would never lie to her on purpose to be malicious, you don’t do that to people you love.

I’ve been with my gf for almost six months. The reason this didn’t come up in the beginning of our relationship is because it was quite a whirlwind in the beginning. As in we met in December and four days later she began a week stay at my flat, so we moved quite fast.

My girlfriend attends university close by as well as having a job so we maybe get to see each other over the weekend or maybe a Friday day night but that’s about it, so I like making the most of my time with her so we don’t talk about ‘serious’ stuff all that much.

People thinking that I’m going to cheat on her/ think that she thinks I’m gonna cheat on her, I hope I’ve made it to clear to her that that isn’t something that would happen. I love and adore her so much that it physically hurts when I don’t get to see her for over a week.

I’m not interested in being with anyone else sexually at all because I’m not in love with anyone other than her. The majority of these comments are calling her homophobic/ biphobic and, well, I don’t really know what to think about that right now. I need to talk to her properly.

She’s a very emotional person which is something I absolutely adore about her, but it does mean when she’s angry she lashes out. I need to talk to her about it all and I need to talk to her friends. I’m not throwing this away if she was just lashing out or being ignorant. She’s not an unreasonable person.

She only knows about my most recent ex because she was asking about a scar on my forehead and I told her the story which included her. Yes she does love me and doesn’t care about my s-x drive or lack there of. She’s not manipulative or gaslighting me she is just lets me know when I’ve done things wrong, which I like because no one else ever tells when I’ve done things wrong.

I’m bisexual. I’m not gay. She’s not a beard. I like guys. I like girls. I love her. If I missed anything it’s because it’s 3am and I’m tired. If you want further clarification comment and I’ll try to answer.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

indlml wrote:

Yup. I cannot believe that OP is waiting for her to break up instead of running from that red flags parade. She is too insecure to understand that bisexuality exists and OP is not just using her as his smokescreen. If she is already struggling with trust then now she is probably imagining that everyone is a threat, not just females.

Sometimes seeing people freak out about their partners bisexuality seems like they think that being bi means you’re attracted to everyone indiscriminately...which is sad. It’s the same as claiming that she is attracted to every guy that exists.

And just because she doesn’t visibly have a problem with people being gay or queer...doesn’t mean that she isn’t skeptical, judgmental or homophobic. She might just tolerate it as long as it’s not affecting her life but if she had a kid who was not heterosexual she would probably flip out.

wheres-my-swingline wrote:

I’m sure you two are going to have a pleasant time reviewing this thread.

Full_Pace7666 wrote:

“She said to me she didn’t believe in bisexuality, said that it ‘wasn’t a good look for the community.’”

Yeah I would have broken up with her on the spot. This girl is ignorant as hell and likely biphobic.

I’m curious. How long have you two been dating? If you’ve been dating for like, literally years, then the shock she had is a bit(heavy lifting here) more understandable though it does not excuse her comments.

NTA.

Mysterious-Type9096 wrote

Bi erasure is so crappy. I swear there are 3 groups of people: the normal people who accept and respect bisexuality, the people who are like your gf who act like it isn’t valid, and then there’s the people who overly sexualize it.

She isn’t accepting of your sexuality. You didn’t announce it, so I guess I understand a little shock initially, but the rest of her reaction is just gross. I hope she’s an ex now.

NTA.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

Okay, wow. I didn’t think this would get a lot of attention but it has so I figured I’d let everyone know what’s going on. (This is quite long so I apologise, I’ll put a TLDR at the end for people who don’t really care that much)

I posted my initial post on Friday night. I hadn’t seen or heard from my gf since Tuesday. I sent her the link to this post on Saturday afternoon and told her that once she felt ready, I would like it if she came over so we could talk about it in person. About three hours later she was at my flat.

She hadn’t eaten and it was late so I cooked and we ate in silence. She didn’t really look mad, but she obviously wasn’t very happy. Once we’d finished and I’d cleaned up, she told me that she’s sorry she has ignored me for four days. I told her that it was fine and that she didn’t need to apologise as she clearly needed space.

I decided to bite the bullet and just get into it. I apologised for not telling her. Properly, this time. I told her that I shouldn’t have assumed she’d just be okay with it because I expected her to. I told her that even if I don’t think it’s a big deal or that it didn’t even cross my mind that I had to tell her, I understood that it was clearly dishonest of me and that I don’t really have good excuse of why I didn’t.

I try to never lie to her, especially about important things, and whilst I don’t see it as lying, I now do see that it could be interpreted as that or that I’ve got things to hide. I told her as such and she told me to stop apologising.

She explained that she’d read my post as well as the comments. I asked what she thought about it. She was quiet for a minute before she told me that she didn’t like people calling her homophobic, and that she didn’t think she was being that, she just didn’t understand how a person could be bisexual.

I tried to stay calm cos I could see she was overthinking and getting upset. I told her that I don’t think she’s homophobic either, not as a whole, anyway, and then I tried to explain it to her simply. I didn’t want her to think I was speaking to her like a child, or that I was being condescending, but I did have to use simple terms to make sure there was absolutely no room for misinterpretation.

I asked her ‘but you understand how guys can like girls, and how girls can like guys?’ And she said yes. I then asked ‘do you also understand how a woman could like another woman, or how a guy could like another guy?’ And she said yes again.

I asked her then why she didn’t think it could be possible to like girls as well as guys. She didn’t really say anything and I could see the cogs turning in her head. She said that she couldn’t see how you could like both, how humans are hardwired to only like one gender, and so if I was saying that I liked guys first, and, by her logic, I could only be attracted to one gender, then I must be gay.

I was very confused because I’m not a scientist by any means, but I definitely know that that isn’t true. I asked where she’d heard that. She told me an old friend who she met at her old job was a ‘major LGBTQ activist’ and was ‘explaining’ things to her.

I told her that’s not right. She told me it was. I asked what possible evidence she could have for that. She didn’t have any but she said that this friend was deep into the queer community (idk her sexuality, I didn’t ask) and that I’m not really involved so she’s more inclined to believe this old friend rather than me.

I was hurt, of course, really hurt that she’d say this, but I couldn’t get mad, cos then we’d both be mad and upset, and we’d be in exactly the same place we were five days ago. So I decided to change tactics.

I asked her that if I’ve had a boyfriend, and if I’m not secretive about liking guys, why on earth would I be dating her. I told her that me admitting that I like guys clearly shows that expressing that kind of attraction wasn’t an issue for me, so why would I be using her as a ‘cover’ and what would be the point of using her as a cover if I was ‘gay first’.

She told me it’s because I was embarrassed. I asked her about what. She said ‘that you like guys’ I told her I’m not embarrassed. I asked her if I looked embarrassed at any point on the day all this went down. I asked her if I looked embarrassed now.

She, reluctantly, said no. So, I asked her again. I asked her why I would agree to, and actively pursue, dating her if I wasn’t attracted to girls. She got mad at this point, but I eventually managed to calm her down again. We took a breather (I went to my room and she went to my balcony) and when we reconvened back in the living room, she asked why I was dating her. I told her because I love her, that’s why.

I told her that I thought she was funny, and smart, and gorgeous, and that she had so much life in her that I found it a privilege to even be near her let alone to date her. She told me she believed me, but she still didn’t understand. She asked if it was a phase then, in school, and I told her no. I said to her plainly: I’m attracted to girls, and I’m attracted to guys.

She asked me if this meant I wanted to date a guy then instead of her. I told her no. She asked if I wanted to date a guys as well as her and, again, I said no. She asked why I was so determined to be acknowledged at bisexual then. I told her because it’s a fact about me, just like that I love books and the colour purple, and I that I hate the smell of grape scented felt-tips.

I told her those were all facts about me too, but they didn’t affect our relationship, so neither should this one. I asked why it bothered her so much, beside the whole not believing in my sexuality thing. I said ‘I know it’s more than that because you wouldn’t have gotten so angry if it was just that’.

She explained that she thought me telling her was my way of hinting I was going to break up with her. I laughed and asked in what world that would make sense. I had told her because she asked, and that if I was going to break up with her (which wasn’t going to happen) then I would have just done it and not been cruel about it or dragged it out.

She said that she thought me saying I was bisexual (and her not thinking it was a real thing) was me trying to take the easy way out, so she got mad. It was almost 2am on Sunday by the time we got to this point, so we decided to stop and carry on in the morning.

When I woke up I was worried and trying to prepare my points in my head, like I do before I say anything important, but I didn’t really have to. My gf walked back into the bedroom with two mugs. She made me sit up and handed it to me with the promise that she could speak first. I nodded and took the mug.

She sat next to me and said that she didn’t sleep well, that she couldn’t stop thinking about everything. She said she still didn’t understand, not really, but that she loves me, and she knows that I love her, and that she’s going to try and understand, because she didn’t want to lose me or what we have, and that she doesn’t like to be ignorant.

I thanked her and said I’d send her some resources (so if you guys have any that explain bisexuality or anything in that vein, then please link them!). We agreed that we would try and push past this, and that we would make sure to tell each other everything from now on, no matter whether it seems important or not.

She’s taking counseling at her university to try and manage her anger and controlling her emotions. That's the end of it for now. We’re obviously still in rocky waters and if anything else happens and people want me to update then I will, but I think that’s basically all of it. (Our talk on Sunday morning was long, but I summed it up be as this post is very long already)

(Also for people asking me to ask her friends about if they knew about this behaviour, I asked her one friend whose number I have, and she said that it wasn’t an issue a few years ago, but she suddenly started asking about it around the same time she had met that girl from her old job.

Apparently everyone in the friend group had called her stupid or something for believing that but that was all that really happened. I’ve asked about who this old coworker is but I haven't goe a reply yet.)

Okay, thanks everyone :)

TL;DR: we had a discussion/argument about it, but in the end we decided we love each other too much, and so we would try to get past it- I would be more honest about important things and she would try to mange her reactions and learn more about bisexuality.

The commenters kept sharing their thoughts.

CassiferLynn wrote:

She's pretty overtly biphobic. And screw the friend who claimed bisexuality isnt real. Bisexuality is as real as any other orientation. It's not actually hard for someone to understand, I promise. [Signed a lesbian with a bisexual gf].

__zoso__ wrote:

I'm bisexual.

Unfortunately, the LGBTQ community can be incredibly cold to bisexuals. I've been told many times that I'm just gay and can't admit it. The sad thing is that it was never a straight person who said this to me.

comfortablephone3547 wrote:

It's good that you managed to talk it out, I highly suggest that you get her other lgbtq activists as her friend is clearly not a proper one.

rygdav wrote:

Man, you deserve so much better. I get it, you’re young and inexperienced, and you think she’s the love of your life. She’s not. She’s denying a whole fundamental part of your identity, no matter how carefully you tried explaining it. I mean, props to you for being so incredibly patient with her, but damn dude.

She is always going to be thinking you’re gay and waiting for you to cheat on her or dump her — which, you should dump her, but not because you’re gay since you’re not even gay. She’s not even ignorant, she’s just stupid; she doesn’t want to understand.