'AITA for not telling my husband I'm going to the bedroom to cry? I offended him.'
"AITA for not telling my husband I'm going to the bedroom to cry?"
Me (F32) and my husband (M31) were driving home from our friends place. I still had to take the dogs out for a walk and it was past midnight. We both were tired. On the way we talked about something that was painful for me and I started to cry. We arrived home and my husband asked a more detailed question about my feelings, which I answered.
After a short moment of silence, I got out of the car, went inside and took the dogs out. When I came back in, my husband was doing his evening routine, cooking and started watching Netflix while eating. I brushed my teeth, fed the animals and still crying went straight to the bedroom, in a sad mood. I got under the covers to cry.
I didn't want to disturb my husband's routines, because I knew he would come next to me after completing them. When he came I was still awake and feeling miserable. He put earplugs in and said to me "good f--king night". I was shocked and asked why he talks to me that way. He replied "think about it till morning."
When I demanded to know what I did wrong, he told me that I had first offended him by getting out of the car in the middle of a conversation, which he would have accepted, but when I didn't inform that I was going to the bedroom after brushing my teeth I offended him and did not follow good manners.
I agree, we have a habit of telling each other when we are going to sleep, but this time I was emotional and just wanted to cry my feelings out. He eventually apologized for what he said, but I'm still really sad.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
DinaFelice wrote:
The last time your husband saw you, you were crying (or, at the very least, in the immediate aftermath of crying). And he chose to complete his normal routine instead of checking in with you.
That's fine (especially if the subject was also upsetting for him, doing his normal routine might help him reset his equilibrium), but it's a choice that he made, knowing that his spouse was upset. Up to this point, NAH.
But then he comes in and immediately picks a fight with you instead of checking to see if you were okay (which would have been patently obvious if he'd taken 2 seconds to look at your tear-stained face). NTA. Many times over. In fact, his level of self-centeredness in the face of your obvious distress is so over-the-top that I'm forced to wonder if this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I'm going to suggest that you read this book and see if you recognize other concerning patterns of behavior:
imamage_fightme wrote:
NTA. He knew you were crying, that you were vulnerable, and instead of being understanding that you simply went to bed without telling him (a pretty minor thing regardless of your routine) he told you "good f--king night" and "think about it til morning"?!
I'm sorry, what the ever loving f-k? In what world is that an okay response to an already upset partner? Even if you'd done some major faux pas, which I don't believe you did, his response is absolutely lacking in compassion and empathy.
If he had to confront you about it, he could have still been civil about it and just said "hey, I'm sorry you're still upset, but I wish you'd told me you were going to bed rather than just disappearing". See how much more palatable that way of communicating is? Gets his point across without being a dick about it. I don't know your marriage or your life but this is not okay.
Fragrant-Duty-9015 wrote:
NTA he would have come to check on you if he was actually concerned. Swearing at you like that when you’re crying is really ugly behavior. I hope he doesn’t often treat you like that.
let_me_know_22 wrote:
NTA. It seems like you thought the conversation in the car came to a natural end for the time being anyway. If he wanted to continue the conversation, why didn't he go with you walking the dogs?
It was after midnight, you were emotional, it wasn't a conversation about your relationship (according to your comments) but merely about you, so it makes sense that a) you wanted to not wait any longer to get this chore done before being able to wind down and b) you maybe need someone with you with it being late, you being tired and crying.
I also really struggle with the fact that you brought up an issue concerning your self worth and his reaction later when finding you crying is att-cking your self worth.
That's vile! Also, even if you really didn't want to talk anymore this night and just fall into bed, that should be fine as well! Because as stated, this emotional issue wasn't something concerning him or the relationship besides the fact that it is something you personally struggle with.
But he made it about him in that moment! Especially the: think about it till morning! Is such a distasteful thing to say, it feels punitive: stay awake, feel bad, lie in your anxieties! That's horrible! I'm sorry, I'm rambling, this just really hit me in the nerves.
independent_night815 wrote:
Stop taking advice from random people online, please. You're not the asshole, of course, but remember that these people don’t know both of you or the full story. They will likely villainize your husband, which isn’t fair. Problems happen in every relationship it's not all flowers and roses every day.
Slow_Marionberry5408 wrote:
Ugh! I'm so sorry he acted like that. Borderline h-teful! I don't often cry, but when I do, my husband comes to me and puts his arms around me, and just holds me until it eases up. Then he asks if i want to talk about it.
When I get home from work, I'm going to hug him real tight. TBH, my husband and I survived times early on when we were not always so kind to each other. The success of our marriage has depended on us both forgiving much.
No infidelity or b--tings, but some nasty, uncalled for comments and occasional lost jobs & resulting poverty problems...we now choose to be each other's safe space. You are NTA. Marriage can be hard. I'm glad he apologized to you. Love most assuredly DOES mean having to say you're sorry...and mean it!
OP responded:
Thank you for telling your story. I hope you have a marriage full of love and understanding. Hug him and be happy :)
lydocia wrote:
What was the argument in the car about that made you cry?
OP responded:
I told him how I feel like I'm not very interesting as a person, that no one truly deeply knows me. Self-pity and feeling like I'm worthless and going to end up alone. He told me that it is not True and asked for an example. I told him about a time my coworkers whom with I have been close for years didn't really know how to compliment me when we were having a Girls night out.
Only thing they described me as was "you read a lot. You are a quick reader." Then I was quiet a while and got out of the car.