'AITA for not telling my kid I'm not her actual dad? I wanted to wait until she was older.'

"AITA for not telling my kid I'm not her actual dad?"

So for context, when I(24m) was 19 when my mom had my younger sister, MJ (not actually her name for privacy). My mom was a dr-g add*ct, stopping during pregnancy, but when MJ was about 5 months old she started back on drugs, dropping MJ off any place she could.

Seeing this I wanted to give MJ a life that she deserved, not what our mother gave me, even though I was only 19, I filed a petition to get custody of her, it was a long hard process but when MJ was 2 i finally got full custody, all this to say, I'm legally MJ's dad. I'm the only dad she knows and she calls me dad.

A year ago I met my girlfriend, Ida (24f) and we started dating not long after, I really thought I found somebody to like me and MJ. Ida would always take MJ on ‘girls days’ and little ‘dates’. I proposed to Ida on Sunday, it seemed like everything was great until a few hours ago.

Ida was at my apartment having dinner with me and MJ, well when I was cooking dinner I heard MJ say something along the lines of ‘You're gonna marry my daddy and you're gonna be best friend’ I thought it was cute until I heard Ida laugh and say: ‘He’s not your dad MJ’ which caught me off guard.

I guess she thought I couldn’t hear her because there’s one a wall between the kitchen, but still I don’t know why Ida said that. MJ was confused as a 5-year-olds would be, and Ida kept correcting her until MJ started crying. This honestly made me mad.

I asked Ida why she would even say that and Ida stated ‘She was going to find out eventually’ and I was an arse for not telling MJ in the first place.

I got mad and one thing led to another I said somethings I shouldn’t have, telling her she had no right, and Ida went home and MJ and I had dinner alone. Ida started blowing up my phone later saying what I did was ‘wrong’ and basically was just ranting to me through text.

I started doubting myself and now I’m here. So AITA?

(I was gonna tell MJ I was her brother someday, yes, but when she's old enough to understand, MJ is only 5 she doesn’t make sense of it).

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:

NTA But Ida sure is.

Info: did you tell Ida that you hadn't told MJ about her family history yet? Did you discuss that you were going to tell her later? How long had you been dating Ida before you introduced her to MJ?

OP responded:

I did tell Ida that MJ didn't know, yes. And I did tell her I wanted to only tell MJ when she was ready to know, we were dating for about 6 months before her and MJ met.

MossMyHeart wrote:

You should not marry this women if you want to be a good dad. I’m willing to bet that Ida told her on purpose. She wants it to be clear to her that she isn’t your daughter so she knows when the two of you have kids that they’re the “real” kids and she was a charity case. I am also willing to bet she doesn’t want her to start seeing her as a mother figure, and that is another reason she told her.

Doesn’t seem like a coincidence that she told her this after you proposed. She figures she has you secured so she doesn’t need to play nice anymore.

ETA: you should definitely find happiness and a life partner and have more kids if that is what you want, just not with someone who won’t see your daughter as your daughter or treat you as such. No maybe you aren’t her bio Dad, but like you said you’re the only Dad she has ever had or known, it was cruel of Ida to take that from her.

Don’t marry a woman who would b*lly (referring to the fact that she wouldn’t let it go and had to keep insisting) your child and make her feel like she doesn’t belong.

as-ho69 wrote:

NTA. You stepped up and became MJ’s father when no one else would, and you’ve given her a stable and loving home. That makes you her dad, regardless of biology. Ida had no right to tell MJ something so confusing and upsetting, especially at such a young age.

That was a conversation for you to have, on your timeline, in a way that MJ could actually process. The fact that she kept pushing it even when MJ was crying is honestly alarming. You were right to be mad, and you’re not wrong for protecting your daughter’s emotional well-being. If Ida doesn’t respect your role as MJ’s father, that’s a huge red flag for your relationship.

Former-Fruit-7969 wrote:

She's a red 🚩 She shouldn’t be careless about that especially to a 5-year-old she's already been through alot you can ease it to her later in a gentle way but what good will it be for her to know now.

I can realistically see her getting mad about your closeness with your daughter in the future if you don’t put your foot down now and let her know your boundaries about the situation, if she doesn’t respect you now it will just get worst during marriage. So no you're not TA!

Candid-Sense-7523 wrote:

NTA.

Ida deliberately told MJ something you had said you did not want to tell MJ until she was older and able to understand and talk through with you; yet, Ida repeatedly told MJ you are not her daddy. Who does that to a five-year old?

Imagine five or six years from now if you forgive Ida for this, marry her and have kids with her. I very much doubt she will allow MJ to feel like your daughter and dollars to doughnuts, Ida will be pointing out how you are daddy to her children and not to MJ.

Is that what you want for MJ? A stepmother who will continue to put roadblocks in the way of you giving MJ the life 19-year old you knew she deserved? Channel your 19-year old self here for a bit to help you make the right decision.