'AITA for not telling my mother the gender of her grandchild right away because she announced my engagement?'
"AITA for not telling my mother the gender of her grandchild right away because she announced my engagement when I asked her not to?"
Before I dive into the crux of this post: my husband and I got engaged in 2019 and were married in 2021. The night he1 proposed, I sent a photo of the engagement ring to my parents and close friends. My mother called me back to ask questions about the proposal and said she wanted to reach out to family members right away.
I asked her to not share the news yet as I wanted to share a better photo of the ring (since she critiqued how my nails weren't polished and the photo wasn't that great) to send out to everyone through Facebook where the majority of my family and friends would see it. She dismissed what I asked, even when I kept asking her not to because it was not her news to share.
The next morning, I got a text from my aunt (my mother's sister) congratulating me on my engagement. I rushed that morning to paint my nails and send a better photo to make the engagement post on social media.
I was a bit hurt by my mother disregarding this request; I felt that with her sharing the news when I asked her not to, she took a little bit of the joy of us sharing with the rest of our family and friends.
I am now 20 weeks pregnant and just had my anatomy scan this morning and learned the gender of my baby. We had told our family members beforehand that we would have the scan today and would make an announcement at some point soon after.
We are not holding a gender reveal party since we have family members all over and will probably make the announcement by calling grandparents first, then making the announcement through a video or photos to be shared through text and later online.
My mother called me later in the afternoon to ask about the gender; I advised her that we would make the announcement in a few days as we were trying to figure out how to announce it.
My mom was upset that I wouldn't even give her a hint (not sure I would exactly do that) and that she "should have special mom privileges" when it comes to stuff like this. I want the announcement to be fair and make it at the same time. We have family all over the country and overseas and we find it is easier to spread news like this all at one time so no one is upset.
I began thinking back to the engagement and how she still shared the news when I asked her not to. When she was still not happy that I wouldn't disclose the gender, I mentioned that the last time I asked her to not share something, she did it anyway. When she asked for clarification, I let her know about my aunt texting me about the engagement.
She did get a bit defensive as she stated she didn't remember that but she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to. After we ended the call, I felt a little guilty and thought that maybe I was a little harsh.
I'm close to my mom but worry this might have created tension in our relationship. I know that part of this is her being excited about what is going on in my life and wanting to share the news right away, but if I'm asking her not to share the news and she does it anyway, it feels like I'm just being dismissed because she's my mother.
I worry that further down the line, this recent conversation can affect our relationship. So AITA for how I handled this situation and if I am, what might be some advice to cut this tension?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
FloMoJoeBlow said:
NTA. You handled it fine. Mom played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
Tishers said:
NTA. Your mom has demonstrated that she is untrustworthy in keeping a secret. Her claiming that she didn't remember revealing the information just drives the point further home. If she lacks that sort of self control then you cannot trust her. You are the parents, you decide when.
jess1804 said:
NTA. Her badgering you and by saying she has "special mom privileges" it shows she has ZERO intentions of keeping quiet. She waived all "special mom privileges" the second she shared news that she wasn't supposed to.
RJack151 said:
NTA. Keep her on an information diet when it is news that you want to deliver.
AngryIrish82 said:
NTA; my MIL pulled the same crap with all of my kids and I made it really clear that if she finds out early, I tell everyone because she would guilt my wife into it. Don’t sweat it, you’re golden. She’ll get over it.
9smalltowngirl said:
NTA good for you for standing strong and she’ll get over it once she buys things. The name is next and don’t tell anyone what you pick till the baby is here and named.
No_Stress_8938 said:
NTA This is step one in setting boundaries with her. Once the baby comes, she will do what she wants with the child regardless of your rules. Congrats to you!!