'AITA for not telling my wife that I had surgery over 30 years ago? She's really upset.'
"AITA for not telling my wife that I had surgery 30+ years ago?"
I (37M) was born with umbilical hernia (Like a bulge or lump type thing where the belly button is), and got surgery on it when I was 4. So besides my immediate family and some preschool kids who could be anywhere in the world right now, no one really knows about that.
I was clearing out my end table, I found old baby pictures that I didn't even know I had (my mom was a '90s Facebook mom when it came to pictures) and I put most of them in a pile. When my wife came to the room and saw them, her first question was wtf that lump on my stomach was, and I told her it was the umbilical hernia thing.
Her followup question was how it went away, and I told her I had surgery on it. Her mood changed, and she started asking a lot of "Why" questions. Like "Why didn't you tell me you had this?" or "Why didn't you tell me you had this?" and my answers were
A) How would I bring that up and B) My medical history is my business and my business only. She got pretty mad at that second one, and ended the discussion there. Now over this stupid argument she's been trying really hard to give me the cold shoulder. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
IgnantSage wrote:
NTA. There isn’t a huge reason to bring this up and in this particular case I don’t think it is actually relevant to anything so you are in the clear in my book.
That being said if you are getting married or planning to have a baby with someone there is definitely some medical history and predispositions that your partner should know about so just saying my medical history is my business doesn’t always hold water. A blatant example would be if you had a vasectomy and they want to have children, would kinda pose a problem.
NoSalamander7749 wrote:
ESH - so close to N.T.A, except there's this:
"B) My medical history is my business and my business only."
Your legal spouse should know about your medical history, as in case of any emergencies she's the one the doctors are going to ask, most likely. This particular instance may inconsequential to any future issues, but as a principle, your medical history stops becoming "your business only" when you get married. And if you said it like this, I can understand why your wife got mad.
INeedToWorkOnMe wrote:
"A) How would I bring that up"
True. NTA on this alone. You were 4 and probably do t remember a thing.
"B) My medical history is my business and my business only."
False. You are married and if you are incapacitated she has to be able to answer medical questions of your behalf. You two have a duty to each other to set each other up for success and that means sharing detailed medical information.
You don't really believe it's none of her business. She just put you on the spot dhd treated you with suspicion. Use this conversation as a launching point to take care of your health and hers and share detailed medical info. Also, now is a GREAT time to get detailed family medical history before family members start dying.
Outside-Bus-5802 wrote:
NTA. Surgery at age 4 for an umbilical hernia is hardly a deep, dark secret needing disclosure. It's not like it's ongoing or affecting your relationship now. It feels like an overreaction on her part to expect you to have mentioned it.
SneakyRaid wrote:
NTA. That surgery affects her in no way, shape or form. It's not a case of "withholding information about a chronic degenerative health issue that will cost you thousands of dollars, will require rearranging her life plan and will turn her into your caretaker."
That's something a long term partner should know. She did not need to know about this sort of issue any more than she needs to know every time you had a temperature, broke a bone or twisted you ankle in your life.
ETA: some stats to put things in perspective: up to 1 in 5 newborns will present an umbilical hernia and 90 % of the cases resolve on their own by the time the child is 4-5 years old. So even though genetics can increase the incidence, the condition is too common and generally bening.
thewineyourewith wrote:
I was with you until your (B), which seems to be what your wife is primarily mad about. Your medical history is absolutely your spouse’s business. They are your next of kin and will have to make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Idk why she’s so concerned about this particular medical issue. Are you two trying to have kids soon?
She might be concerned that it’s hereditary, it’s scary to think of your baby needing surgery. Neither of you handled this very well. She got flustered and demanding, you responded defensively, and now she’s giving you the silent treatment. Do your disagreements often devolve like this?