'AITA for not travelling to a different city to donate my egg to my sister?'
"AITA for not travelling to a different city to donate my egg to my sister?"
My sister (34F) and I (29F) have had a very difficult relationship. She looked down on me for a number of things and have always had a disparaging view on everything that concerns me. However, that’s only of little concern to me right now.
She and her husband (34M) have been trying to have a child for a few years and have trouble doing so. I’ve been empathetic of this very huge concern and I get it: it is hard.
She’s also done IVF and some other treatments but they’ve not worked out for them so far. So, to bypass that, they asked me to donate my egg to them - which I very readily agreed to do.
However, it came with a caveat. They wanted me to come "in a day." I live in a different city, I’d have to fly down and back (6+ hours) and miss days of work. I told them I’m anyway coming to their city on 7 October for a couple of weeks (for a family meet) and I can do it then. It’ll also save me a bunch of money on airfare.
They refused and said I should come within a couple of days to make it happen. While I understand they are in a rush, but why am I being expected to 1. travel on my own and 2. Do it as per their convenience.
My mother also pitched in here: she said I should be more understanding as they’ve been trying for years and must be in a lot of stress. I told my mother I understand and I’ve not really said no to it; I’m happy to do this.
But they should either pay for my airfare or let me come when it is convenient for me. But now, things have turned into a whole thing and the entire family is calling me and AH for not going to their city to help them. So, am I an AH for not going?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
HapaC13 said:
NTA and that’s not how IVF works anyway. You don’t just show up and retrieve an egg… you meet with a reproductive endocrinologist and you have to start hormones.
It’s a lengthy process not immediate so it doesn’t make sense you would just show up “in a day”. If you don’t live near them, it seems like it would make more sense for you to find a Dr near you to do the steps up until egg retrieval.
Kashaya72 said:
NTA. They forget you are doing them a favor, not the other way around. At this point I would tell them you decide not to donate an egg, did you research how they retrieve the egg and what side effects it can have for you. Did they even offer to cover airfare and lost income? Be careful, they sound entitled.
Package6 said:
News flash... donating eggs is a 2-3 months procedure... And is painful, and you are in pain after... I have had 13 IVFs and transfers, so trust me I know what I am talking about. The one time I had mine done in Canada, they didn't provide anesthetic...
Anesthetist is expensive...It was literally hell... Another, it would be your child and your relationship with your sister isn't decent... She literally thinks that donating eggs is like donating blood...
To say she is entitled is understatement. Don't do it... with your sister... you will regret it... She isn't a person you want to see your kid to grow up... you would have to watch them grow an your sister would be acting the same.
Change your mind until it is not too late. I have used mine and donated eggs and the it is an ordeal... In US egg donation is expensive and your sister needs to pay for it to understand what an amazing gift you "were" offering. Don't let your family bully you into it. Having eggs from the stranger isn't worse than having sister's eggs.
gillebro said:
NTA. Something like this is huge. You’re doing them an ENORMOUS favour and they should be treating you like the goddess you, quite frankly, are. It’s a whole procedure that could be medically difficult for you, and you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart.
I sympathize with your sister’s plight - I’m her age and would dearly love a child too - but I would never expect anybody I might ask to help out to have to pay for anything.
OP updated the post later to include:
Edit 1: Thanks so much for your perspective, everyone. I really appreciate it. It has really made me dig more about how the procedure is done because I honestly had very little clue about all the things I’ll be put through. I don’t have any children of my own and don’t plan to have one any time soon.
So I thought there would be no harm in doing so. As for the part about me going there without any prior preparation, they really just needed me to come so I can meet the doctor with them to see if it is viable.