'AITA for not wanting to go to my stepson's wedding?' 'I told them to move out.'
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"AITA for not wanting to go to my stepson's wedding?"
Situation: I have been with my to my wife for 6 years (marriage & dating) & this is both our 2nd marriage. She has a son (20) to her ex & I have a daugther (14) & son (10) to my ex + we have a son (2) together.
Her son has announced he is engaged to his girlfriend (they have been dating since school) and they want to be married before the year ends. Backstory: Our relationship has never been great as he is loud, disrespectful, outright rude to my kids & a party animal whereas I am more introverted but I was once young and acted like an idiot so I can understand.
I helped him start the bakery apprenticeship he wanted to do (I was a chef for many years, so I helped him through the process) and paid for school trips, holidays etc. When my wife & I bought a house we offered for him to move in as he was having financial troubles (he is very bad with money).
However our relationship got worse when his now fiance asked to move in as she was worse than him in every regard, even to the point of b-hing about my wife & I to people we know because we asked them to contribute to household bills & being openly hostile to my kids.
With her "advice" he left his apprenticeship and demanded I pay for the costs of this which I refused to do, so he is now in debt because of this. FYI his girlfriend has a full-time job & is doing university part-time, but is not helping him pay off this debt...
After about a year of this I told them to move out and after the usual complaining, they moved into a friend of their's place. Now that friend (who I know through work) is having the same issues...My wife told me that they are now engaged & want to be married before they year ends, but they seem to have gone out of their way to keep me out of everything - even to the point of telling everyone but me they were getting married.
They made it very clear to my wife that "children are not invited" to the wedding but they have other family with young children who are "ok to come." My wife & I have had several arguments about me not wanting to go to their wedding and every time I just get told "you're being an ahole, just get over it." Am I the ahole for not wanting to attend?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Brainjacker said:
It doesn’t sound like you’re invited so it may not be an issue. NTA.
Reasonable-Bad-769 said:
NTA. I would explain to your wife that you understand that she wants to watch her son get married and respect her decision. That you expect her to understand that the disrespect her son is showing to you, your 14 / 10 kids and his 2 year old brother isn't something you can ignore.
It's not a child-free wedding if the only children not invited are yours. Recognize she's in a tough position, but you expect her to support and respect your decision as well. Truthfully, your presence would likely end up causing more tension when it's supposed to be a joyous day. FYI - your stepson and his wife are complete AH's.
trying2thrift said:
NTA -There’s not even any indication that they want you there, so it might be worse for everyone if you go, regardless of what your wife thinks. You staying out of the wedding day seems like what the son wants anyway, and with all of the kind things you’ve done (and received no gratitude in return for) I can’t imagine why you would “get over it” and attend. Shout out to you for stepping up as a step parent, and I’m sorry that those kind actions weren’t met with thankfulness.
introspectiveliar said:
You are NTA for your feelings towards your step-son. But, if you are invited and it means a lot to your wife that you attend, then I think you should go. Not for his sake, but to support your wife. I think by not going with her, you are creating a wound between the two of you that will fester.
A wedding is different than a closed family event. It is a public celebration and your wife wants you there not just as her partner but for the optics to the outside world. Usually I wouldn’t worry or care about what others would make of you not attending an event because the son is a jerk. But in this case, you not going doesn’t reflect negatively on her son, it would reflect negatively on her. And I don’t sense you want to hurt your wife.
Once the wedding is over you can cut all contact, and not speak to him or have him your home. Your wife can keep whatever relationship him she wants but you don’t have to see him.
ThisIsIt-_ said:
NTA: They are not entitled to your time after treating you so disrespectfully. You gave the son help, offered him a place to stay and him and his girlfriend still weren't treating any of you correctly. I wouldn't go to that wedding either.
tiny-pest said:
Nta. And I would tell your wife. No, you are being the ahole. I have not demanded you not attend your child's wedding. I have said I will not attend and I won't. Why do you think I should suffer through that after what they have said and done not only to me but you and especially my children is beyond absurd. You are showing that it's ok to treat us like crap and we need to suck it up. Go and enjoy, but I will NOT have this conversation again. I am done helping and being abused by someone just because you think I should. He is an adult, and actions have consequences. This is his.
Expect more. Be willing at this point to separate if you need to because she is willing to retain a relationship with someone and expect you to as well when they were hostile to tour kids. What are you teaching them. I will tell you. You both are teaching them that he can do what he wants, and their feelings and needs don't matter. She is teaching them that her bio kids are more important even when they are in the wrong. you are teaching them that you will give into your wife's demands. They can't trust either of you to be safe because you are staying in contact. They will be taught not to come to you if he does come back around and does something this time.
I understand it's her kid and if she wants to attend. This for you is beyond that. This is putting your kids first. This is you being a parent and making sure they know his bad behavior and possibly scary behavior towards them will be stopped by you. That you will keep them safe. This is you making sure she understands her one bad child is not more important than the rest because she wants to ignore the behavior and have you suck up being abused. Also, what else will happen. What will they demand as a gift.
What will she demand they be given. How long will they be able to treat you and your family like crap. How much will your family have to suffer money wise because she wants to keep a relationship even at the cost of minor kids. Because it will be that they need money to pay off debt. Get a home. Oh, we are pregnant and need so much now. Your wife will give and give, and the rest of the kids won't be her priority. She has proven that already.
Later, OP provided a quick update:
I have discovered that no invitations have been sent/given to anyone or even created as "They haven't finalized their guest list". There is not even a solid date on when the wedding will be, only "hopefully before the end of the year."