"AITA for not wanting my estate to go to my fiancé’s son?"
I (37F) am recently engaged to my fiancé (42M). He has a child from a previous marriage (13M) and I have no children of my own. We are in the process of deciding how to combine our finances and plan for the future.
My fiancé grew up in a very wealthy family (he denies this, but it’s clear he has a lot more money than I ever have) and is set to inherit tens of millions of dollars in property in a VHCOL area. Most of that wealth will eventually go to his son when my fiancé passes, and I’m okay with that because he’s the one with the direct claim to the inheritance.
In terms of finances, I’m comfortable with the arrangement we have. I don’t want half of his wealth. He offered it, but I don’t feel like I have a claim to it. I’ve agreed that I’ll be taken care of in terms of housing and fixed expenses when he dies.
However, here’s where things get complicated. When we were discussing our estates, my fiancé suggested that my assets should eventually go to his son, like his estate will go to mine. But I don’t want that. I’ve worked hard for everything I have, and I want it to go to my siblings, not his son. All of my (3)siblings are close in age to me, might have children, and make below $50k.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I don’t have any children, and I really don’t feel like his son should automatically inherit my wealth, especially since we’re not having children together. I know it’s a touchy subject, but it’s been weighing on me, and I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. AITA?
EDIT: Thank you for your inputs. This was a very early conversation together about joining finances. I have not had much exposure other financial mindsets so I wanted to see if my thinking was “normal” or out of bounds. Although I have read some pretty good responses, it feels that it might have been premature to post for some people.
I trust my partner and we are actively working through for a solution where we feel it is fair and our wants are respected. I do not appreciate the comments insinuating he has some alternative motives. He is just coming from a place of his ideals and what is normal for him. We are learning together.
That being said, I am taking the advice to seek outside counsel for estate planning. He is in support of this and believes we can get to an agreement. We have operated independently with our finances until the last year, so we have some work to do on getting on the same page. Wish us luck!
This is what people had to say to OP:
Puppylover10002 said:
Why in the world would he expect your assets to go to his son? Particularly if he's already going to inherit a significant amount. But even if he wasn't, that makes no sense at all. It's money you've worked for and saved and should go to whoever you want it to go to.
OP responded:
He believes that once you are married, you truly become one unit. So combining everything (finances, etc). I don’t want to do that because I want to reserve my estate (and its growth) for my siblings.
Lifelong_learner1956 said:
You need advice from a lawyer and a prenup
OP responded:
Ugh I proposed that maybe we should have a prenup but he doesn’t think it is necessary. He thinks it shows distrust of each other and there is not enough wealth to warrant one. He is crazy right? I think this is stemmed in his opinion that he is not wealthy when he very much is.
Ok-Hovercraft-9257 said:
You're not wrong to feel this way. But don't focus your rationale on his son. Say "with my inheritance my future nieces and nephews might be able to afford to buy a house or go to college - so I want to give them that gift. Otherwise they are unlikely to ever have that option."
That reframes it in his head - it makes it "I would be taking an opportunity away from young family members who need it" instead of "it's only fair if we both do this for my son." You need to shift the narrative, or he will stay hyperfixated on his own kid.
That's not the place to make your argument, because he will get stuck on fairness for just his kid. So you hold the line "if I don't do this for my siblings, they'll probably never have these opportunities."
And OP responded:
Thank you for this!! This rationale will resonate with him. I really want my estate to go to my siblings/niblings so that they have a better quality of life and the opportunities such as you named.