'AITA for not wanting my parents to be involved in my ex's new family?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my parents to be involved in my EX's new family?"
I was previously married for about 8 years. While we were married my parents seems to never like my spouse and more then once i had to ask them to stop saying unkind things to her.
They kept pushing us to have kids but we never did. Eventually we had some marital issues (and to be clear I am not blaming her for these issues, it was both of us) and were on a trial separation while in counseling and at the time the agreement was that we were not seeing other people.
However suddenly my spouse was pregnant; and it was not possible that it was mine as the last time we had had sex was two months prior to her conception date. That was the end of the marriage and I filed for divorce 2 days after I found out.
My parents, knowing fully that this was not my child and that the conception was my spouse cheating on me, however then chose to support my ex through her pregnancy. They chose to play grandparent to my Ex's kid. When I told them it was an issue for me that they were so involved in her life still their solution was to lie (poorly) and now just not talk about it.
I found our second hand that not only did they go to her wedding (to the guy she cheated with) but that my father gave her away at that wedding. They now also play grandparent to her two additional kids with the new hubby. They go on vacations with her and her family. This has been going on for 10 years and I feel like I lost my parent in my divorce.
I can't talk to my parents because they will just lie to me like they do about seeing my ex. I found out (again second hand) that my ex and her family are staying with my parents and are there with them today for Christmas (which explains why I wasn't invited when all my siblings were).
My parents have said that they feel like I am being ridiculous and that it's their christian duty to look out for "my" child (which they say is mine because we were married when she got pregnant) even if I feel like abandoning the kid is ok. They blame me for "the family never being able to be together" since I won't attend family events that she's going to, which more and more is all of them.
Everyone in my family has pretty much treated me as persona non grata for "abandoning" the family.
AITA here? Am I the one destroying the family? Should I just play uncle to my ex's kids that I want nothing to do with?
Relevant Comments:
OP: Their [The parents'] response, during the divorce, her breaking the marriage covenant is that I needed to really think about forgiveness and maybe learn to turn the other cheek.
OP: the birth certificate is accurate for both the child’s parents, neither of which is me.
OP is asked what his siblings think of the situation: They have no issues with this and most have told me some form of “the family could all be together if you wouldn’t create so much drama”. They see my refusal to attend events with my ex as me breaking up the family needlessly.
OP is asked what the parents' think of his ex's new husband: They seem to tolerate him. My eldest sibling has a spouse that my parents tolerate as well. It’s clear that they actually like my youngest siblings partner (not same sex but also not married). They seemed to tolerate my ex until the day they found out she was pregnant. Then they seemed to really like her.
Someone suggests that OP is the scapegoat in his family and has been blamed for things that aren't his fault for so long that he just couldn't see how wrong this is because it's normal to him. OP: Ouch. Suddenly I feel like I’m on r/roastme Seriously though, I had never thought of it like that and just….I’m not even sure what to say. It’s like a light bulb I’m just in shock a.t.m.
Someone asks what his ex gets out of this, that she would be OK with his parent's doting on her like this. OP: She gets validation and support, something she never got growing up.
Someone asks what the ex's relationship is like with her own family. OP: She had a strained relationship with her family before we got married. It seemed better while we were married. I have no idea what her relationship is with them now. I have no idea what family the new hubby has or doesn’t have.
This is what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. This is disgusting. Remind them that she broke the marriage covenant, but also a commandment. Time to write the whole lot of them off. If having “grandchildren” is more important than their actual child, don’t give them the choice.
lattelane682 said:
NTA your parents are bizarre and toxic
_Friend_Computer_ said:
NTA - throw away the whole ass family. It's not worth the stress or toxic B.S.
Verdict: NTA.
He later shared this update:
Last year for Christmas my parents invited my 4 adult siblings and their families and my ex and her new family to Christmas at their house. Since I had made it clear I don’t want to spend time with my ex and her new family I was seen as causing a problem so they just didn’t tell me about it.
One of my siblings let it slip accidentally on Christmas Eve that they were all there without me, making it clear everyone felt it was my fault I could not be invited. It was devastating to feel like I was being excluded from my own family yet again. To be lied to yet again.
Much to my shock on the original post I was judged NTA; and it made me see much of my entire life’s interactions with my family differently.
Follow up:
1.) As suggested I started going low contact; essentially I just stopped trying to maintain the contact with them and let them do all the work there….which they haven’t so low contact has been in essence no contact. Which has both sucked and been healthier for me.
I don’t even know what they are doing for Christmas this year….which is actually easier then knowing they are doing something and choosing to excluding me.
2.) I did print out some of the post from last year and showed them to my therapist as suggested. He berated me for listening to people on the internet and cutting off a “vital part” of my support system.
After 2 months of weekly appointments listening to him talk about ways to fix the relationship and apologize to my family and make amends with them; I just stopped making appointments with him. That was in March.
3.) After stopping contact with my family and therapist I found I had a really hard time (super anxious and second guessing every interaction) even being around my friends so I’ve kinda stopped seeing them either.
I had a good WFH job so I just started working all the time. It was good for my career and I got a major promotion in Q3; it was a large enough promo that I don’t stress about money anymore, which was a constant stressed before. So spending my energy somewhere other then on my family has been life changing.
Relevant Comments:
Someone suggests OOP send his friends a text apologizing for going silent because he was going through a lot, and working on rebuilding his relationships. OP: I feel like I’ve written and deleted that text to friends so many times. I just don’t feel like I would know what to say to them. I don’t feel like any interaction with them would be good? Productive? Worth it? I don’t know.
I guess I just don’t feel like they will understand or care ( any why should they) so don’t feel like it’s even worth trying. I’m not sure being alone is what I would choose, but I also don’t feel like I know how to let anyone in anymore.
I guess the reality is once you understand just how much even your parents and siblings see you as disposable; it’s really hard to be open to being thrown away again….especially by people you think are friends. So I delete the text and keep them as friends.
Another comment from OP about his friends: I guess it’s easier to assume they actually still are my friends then to send a text and get no reply. My family was never really family. Are my friends actually friends?
I guess it’s more Schrödingers cat then an actual friendship and when it comes down to it I guess i suddenly realize I’m clinging to the alive version of the cat because super position is easier then knowing.
OP on finding a new therapist: I’m not sure how to find that. The thought of calling around and finding someone and dealing with waiting lists and people not taking new patients…..I’m just feel like it would be a waste to do that again. It took months the last time.