'AITA for not wanting my stepdaughter's sibling to live with us?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting my stepdaughters sibling to live with us?"

I'm 33f and my husband is 35m and he has a daughter who's 10 and she has a sister who's not my husband's kid who's 3. Their mother is an alcoh*lic, last year we put her in rehab and it helped she came out got a job and started making a good life for her kids. Three months ago his daughter called in the middle of night saying her mom wasn't home they hadn't eaten and that they needed help.

We went over there and a few minutes later her mom came back drunk and probably on other stuff as well. He put her back in rehab and we've kept both kids. She just got out and has been talking about how she wants my husband to adopt her daughter as she feels she's going to relapse again and she wants him to just take the kids after the adoption is finalized, my husband just agreed and didn't talk to me about it.

When he finally talked to me he said that it will be better for both of them if this happens and the little girl already lives with us. I told him that he's not taking care of the three year old and that I am and that even though I work from home someday I have to go into the office and its very random and I can't just drop her off at with anybody because I don't know their schedule.

I also told him that we are having our baby and I can't handle a baby and a toddler and a 10 year old, I told him that's too much to handle. He said I could just quit my job and stay home until they all turn 5 or 6 and then go back to work, I told him if he wants to adopt her he can do that and I can go in full time and make more than he's making and take care of everyone.

He got mad and said he's going to adopt her whether I like it or not. I had talked to some people and they said its best for the little girl since she doesn't have family on her mom's side and we don't know her dad and that I need to suck it up or leave. So AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: There are questions I will try to answer them but the main question I keep seeing is what is the plan with my bio kid. The answer is I had planned to work and probably see if I could try to not go into the office as much and my mom said if she's in near by she won't mind watching her but the plan is not solidified and if that didn't work daycare.

A lot of people asked why can't we take the 3 year old to day care. The answer to that is we brought her last year and she screamed and cried and I had to go pick her up early almost every day and they said she might do better at home rather than there.

I think it's she just likes to be around people she's comfortable with and she knows us so she's comfortable with us. People also asked where my stepdaughter goes sometimes after school care, but most times I'm able to pick her up.

Someone also asked how the 3 year old called but to specify she didn't call it was my stepdaughter who called us. Last thing the 3-year-old is not my husband's kid they are different races.

The internet kept the comments coming.

[deleted] wrote:

Is the child’s father not an option? I can understand how you feel about this situation and it is grossly unfair and a huge imposition. However, this is one of those times in life where you should probably find a compromise. This is the sister of your husband’s daughter.

Your stepdaughter will not understand if you send her sister off to live god knows where and under less than ideal circumstances. If you want stepdaughter to have a loving relationship with the child you are having, then, let her continue her relationship with the sister she already has.

Would your husband pay for a nanny? Maybe, even two nannies so there is always coverage when you return to work and you won’t have to take the hit to your career. NAH though it is very unfortunate that his ex didn’t make a more mature decision and forgo a second child, considering her addiction.

OP responded:

The child's father is not an option, he doesn't know she exists and he's just like her mother and she doesn't know where he is.

anomon wrote:

Info: what about the 3-year-old’s father or paternal grandparents? Also, why not just make your husband the legal guardian for now, in case mom gets her shit together? Why did he volunteer you?

OP responded:

We don't know who the father is, so we don't know if he has family. I think they are still working out everything but she doesn't think she's going to get her shit together, so she just wants him to take them permanently.

LadyMittensOnTheLake wrote:

NTA. Him becoming a SAHD until the baby is in school sounds like an excellent compromise. He can be the one to take the career hit, since it's his idea to take in an unrelated toddler.

Beautiful-Age_1408 wrote:

NTA. Your husband is. It may be the right decision for the kids but he made it without and then gave you an ultimatum. That a hard pass from me. I think it wouldn't take long before you became extremely resentful of the kids and it will show, no matter what you try. I'm really sorry you're in this position. Personally, I'd be done.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

So I've returned and I wasted to address a few questions. Number one race does not matter to me I wouldn't care if she was white, Hispanic, Asian, or Indian, the only reason I said that was people kept accusing my husband of being the father. Another thing yes I am pregnant.

Last thing people kept asking is why our schedule now won't work and this schedule is temporary not permanent if it was permanent I would probably get fired. So I talked to my husband on Saturday and told him that I don't want him to adopt her, of course he asked why and I told him my reasons.

Which are that I've already sacrificed a lot for this child, that I can't handle 3 children especially with 2 that little and who are probably going to want to be on me and that this was never apart of the deal. He tried to argue that there was no deal and I told him there was when I married him it was supposed to be one child that wasn't mine that I was supposed to take care of.

He tried to explain that she's young and that she needs us and I told him that I get that but that he has no plan for what will happen if he gets her, he tried to say I leave my job but I told him again I'm not doing that. I told him that this would be a real deal breaker for me and that I would be okay helping him get some form of custody of her as long as it won't affect me and then I would want leave.

He tried to say that they will need a mom and what would we do with our baby and I told him either 50/50 or I get full custody and he can pay child support, he kept trying to say he was just trying to do the right thing and that it feels like I’m punishing him for that, and I told him I wasn't but this would be where I draw the line because I'm not doing or dealing with that.

So he asked if I did divorce would I be willing to watch his kids if he were busy or at least hang out with them, as they are attached to me and maybe let them come over to my house some weekends. I told him no to watching them as that would have to be on him to figure out, I said his daughter could come to my house sometimes but even then.

He kept on saying I was punishing him for trying to help, and I told him that it wasn't on him to help and I understand he feels like he's gotta help her but I said that she told you she would u right and u just said okay and jumped with it and never asked me.

Then he went on trying to ask did I even like the little girl and I told him that I do, but I’m tried of making sacrifices for her and tried of having her clinging on me all the time and told him that I can't deal with that. He got mad and started yelling so I left and went by my mom's.

He's tried apologizing but my mother said to not go back as I would be unhappy there and to leave that on him and I can live with her and until I find somewhere else as she will be happy to watch my baby all day. So for now I'm going to try to talk to him and see what his plans are and if he stil doesn't have any then we may get a divorce.

The comments kept coming.

Secret_Double_9239 wrote:

NTA even when you were telling him you would leave he was asking you about childcare. He just showed you how he viewed you in the relationship- free childcare. While you are gone do not agree to look after/help with the children, he needs to understand that adopting this little girl will be on him completely. Also get a storage locker and start to move your stuff out.

[deleted] wrote:

I laughed out loud when OP's husband asked if she would still babysit if they got divorced. This man does not get it at all. He keeps talking about how it is important to adopt the little girl, but he is continually making unilateral decisions. The thing that frustrated me the most about this entire story is that OP's husband was willing to adopt but wasn't willing to do any of the work.

OP was left to take care of two (soon to be three) children, and he didn't really do anything to make her life easier. When OP mentioned that it would be hard to work with three kids, he told her to quit her job. OP was absolutely correct in stating that her husband should quit his job, as she could make more money than him if she worked more hours.

However, he didn't like that option, as it would mean he would actually have to take care of his own children. I wish OP the best and hope that she gets full custody...I can see her husband trying to pawn off responsibility for his child with OP from the beginning, so it may be best if he isn't involved. Relationships are about compromise, but in this relationship, it has been changed to "do as I say, not as I do."

Sudden_Pomegranate95 wrote:

Sorry but…is he slow? You want to leave him if he adopts the child then he asks if you’ll help take care of them if you divorce? He’s spiralling because he wasn’t expecting you to divorce him. He was trying to bully you into accepting. He won’t go through with it because his only plan for the adoption was you to be the primary carer.

He has no other childcare options hence why he wants you to quit your job. I’m thinking it’s less of a “do the right thing” situation and more of a make my wife do the grunt work whilst I have zero life change but everyone thinks I’m a hero. Honestly I’d leave that man regardless.

Dachhundsmom5 wrote:

Your marriage is over. He will either keep trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants because he truly does not care about or respect your feelings or he will let the child go and resent you. Then he will throw it in your face constantly. Either way, it's over. Get a lawyer and start a plan that does not include this marriage.