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'AITA for not wanting to be maid-of-honor at my BFF's wedding because she’s marrying my ex?' UPDATED

'AITA for not wanting to be maid-of-honor at my BFF's wedding because she’s marrying my ex?' UPDATED


"AITA for not wanting to be the maid of honor at my best friends wedding because she’s pregnant and marrying my ex? Of course story is lot more complicated than title..."

So two major parts of my life converged recently and I’m just devastated and question pretty much all my actions, hence why I’m posting here because I may be acting awful to two people I love dearly. So part one is Tammy. My best friend since elementary school.

She is literally my sister. We have done pretty much everything together, same college, same dorm, roommates, confidants, sloppy drunk mates, you name it. I love her so much.

Part two is Gregory. My college boyfriend. I love him as well but we just could never make things work. Had one of those hot mess relationships which are a combination of torture and bliss. We have dated off and on since freshman orientation (all of us are 27 now) but usually end up in flames. I always loved him so much that I hoped we’d mature and be able to make things work.

He move to a different city after college but we’d stay in touch, send flirty texts and even went on vacation twice. We got along great as long as we both had our own places to retreat to if that makes sense. All along we both had dating lives and to be fair I never told him about my long term idea that we’d be together.

A year ago Tammy moved to a city about 30 minutes away from Gregory. She was having a really hard time meeting people so I told her since she knew Gregory so well, she should call him and see if he can introduce her to his group of friends. She did and I knew she was much happier.

About 3 months after that the flirty texts from Gregory just stopped out of the blue which isn’t that big of a deal because it’s happened before but looking back I should have known what was coming. Tammy just came home for the weekend and said she was making a special trip just to see me. Of course I was super excited to see her. She came over and she just seemed a little off.

First she told me she was pregnant, after we got past the shock and established she was happy and keeping the baby I was elated to be an aunt. Then she said there’s more and this is really hard. I about died when she said the baby is Gregory’s. She apologized and said she was so sorry, they had just hit it off and they didn’t mean to do anything to hurt me and they even tried breaking up for my sake

but they just realized there was too much of an attraction and they started dating. She hadn’t planned on getting pregnant but now that she is, they are getting married. She said she hoped this didn’t hurt me and she always dreamed about me being her maid of honor and there’s no one else she’s ever ask.

I tried to keep my cool but I just lost it. I wasn’t mad at her, just really really sad. I told her that I loved her but I just couldn’t be around her right now and no way I could even go to thier wedding let alone be in the wedding party. She said she was sorry about a million times as she was leaving and she texted me quite a bit wanting to see me before she left town on Sunday. I just couldn’t do it.

I literally cried all weekend. Here’s the thing...if I were nicer in the picture...they make a perfect couple. Perfect. Tammy’s brand of “firy” is a Much better match to Gregory’s calm nature than mine. They are both gorgeous and smart and great with kids. If two people should be hooking up to be great partners and parents, it’s those two. I just can’t help being hurt. AITA for not wanting to be her maid of honor?

Edit: The thing that people seem most confused by is the timeline and honestly I was wrong in my OP. Tam and I only talked for maybe 10 minutes on Friday evening so there is a lot I don't know but I went through my texts and such and this is the best I can put together.

June 2017--Gregory took me to Hawaii, that is the last time I saw him. We texted maybe two three times a week.

May 2018--Tammy gets her job and moves to new city. We text or call easily a combined 100 times a day or more.

late July 2018-- Tammy confesses that she's really lonely, all her coworkers are older and she's seriously thinking about quitting and moving back. I tell her she should call Greg, she doesn't have his number so I give it to her. I still keep getting "flirty" but nothing overt from Gregory in this time period

August 2018-- I start a project at my job (promotions company) setting up for a December event for a A/B list celebrity. It's literally make or break for my company and my career. I work 16 hour day minimums and basically go off the grid. Greg still texts occasionally and I keep missing Tammy's calls.

September 2018--last text from Greg, like I said no big deal. I didn't even see this until today but Tammy texted me "please call me ASAP, we really need to talk about something." This adds a whole new element to the story but I can't believe I forgot or missed the text. I respond to another text of her's later in the day kind of bitchy "hey you know I'm busy...give me some time to breathe."

Another piece I forgot until I dug in my texts. She may have taken this as a message I wasn't ready. I assume this is when they first hooked up. September to December: we still miss each other and honestly don't think I talked to her and looking back she texted about 5 times to every one of my responses and if I read it right, she initiated all conversations. I wasn't a very good friend.

My event goes off pretty well and then I immediately leave for an overseas vacation with my family. January. We still didn't talk at all but I didn't think much of it. Friday the 1st. She drops the news in person she's been pregnant for about two weeks and getting married in April. So that's the timeline, not sure if it clears anything but it looks like Tam may have reached out to me at least once.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

hecticmajestic said:

NTA. Tammy should understand that what she's asking is difficult. However it would be nice if you could work out your emotions in time to be there for a close friend on their special day.

[deleted] said:

NAH. This one is weird I think. She's a bit of an a$$hole for asking in the first place, but if you guys are as close as you say, of course it makes sense you would be the first person that came to her mind to be the maid of honor.

But I don't think that really makes her the biggest a$$hole, the wedding would happen anyway so she just wanted you to be there for her. And you definently havent done anything "a$$hole" worthy here, you're just reacting like anyone would. If anything you ex is the a$$hole here.

angelnursery said:

NTA. I'm surprised people are saying that there's no a$$holes here. If you two were so close, surely she must have known of your feelings? The right thing to do would've been to talk to you about it instead of sneaking behind your back and only telling you when she got knocked up. Asking you to be her maid of honour is cruel and selfish, considering she knew how you felt.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Also I’m sorry that you have such a shitty best friend. There are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed, and she crossed them all.

KuhBus said:

NTA - That's kind of a triple whammy of information to get. Your best friend and your ex are dating. Already pretty shocking/hurtful, but I think one can get over that hurt with time. But then your friend didn't open with that, but with announcing her pregnancy. And that the two are getting married and she wants you to be maid of honor.

Like, what did she expect you to say?! She knew telling you about the relationship was going to be painful to deal with, why did she immediately have to jump on you with the marriage new as well?!

You're not the a$$hole for feeling hurt about this. She didn't give you any chance to even adapt to the news of her pregnancy or the relationship and you have every right to refuse attending in that moment. Maybe you could ask her to just give you some time to work through your feelings, since right now you can't exactly force yourself to be happy and play the approving maid of honor.

Verdict: NTA.

She later shared a series of updates.

Update #1:

I posted the original on Tuesday morning. I pretty much couldn't focus on anything else so I took the rest of the week off to have a self pity party. That wasn't working so I just decided screw it, I'm going to drive 7 hours to see Tammy and just tell her how I was feeling.

I texted her on the way and she said she was happy I was coming. I really wanted to address all the very good questions you good people had brought up in my post from Tuesday. So I got there and we basically hugged hello and I have to admit I was very happy to see her. What was so fucking weird is it was obvious Gregory was living in her place now.

I don't even know why I hadn't even thought about this but he's a pretty messy dude so when I saw cereal bowls on the coffee table and socks on the floor (shit that used to drive me up the wall)...I was like wow...this is real. Thank god Greg wasn't there and Tammy apologized that she just didn't feel good enough to clean up before she heard I was coming.

So our conversation basically centered around what happened and why she never told me. At first she was kind of talking around it to spare my feelings and I got sort of frustrated with her and told her to please just tell me what happened. So it turns out they went out as a group right after I gave her Greg's number and they just had an immediate attraction.

They said that for the first few times they hung out it was all just reminiscing about our college days and never mentioned the attraction. I guess about two weeks of hanging out they kissed for the first time and she was so pissed at herself she blocked his number and didn't see him for almost a month. I guess she got lonely again, they ran into each other and admitted they had real feelings.

She said she texted me and told me she wanted to talk about it right after they agreed to start dating (I found this out on my own on Tuesday after going through my texts, but since I was so busy I wasn't very nice to her) but she knew I was busy and really wavered on interrupting the most important time in my professional career vs telling me some very hard to swallow news.

She said rightly or wrongly she decided to tell me in person when she saw me again. Fast forward a little bit I guess they so serious they talked about eloping after only two months and were pretty much living together. She said they had a drunken new years even party and just weren't careful and that's when she assumes she got pregnant.

She said she knew then that it was an in person conversation she had to have with me, her first free weekend was last weekend. So I basically responded to all of this by saying I just didn't know how to feel. That in my brain I knew Gregory and I were not compatible but my heart always hoped we'd grow up and be able to make it work AND she was my best friend AND I basically hooked them up.

And I just don't know how to deal with all this. I know it's over but even seeing his shit on her floor was sort of painful (honestly, that would have been a massive fight between Greg and I, like I said Tammy is much more chill). I told her that I would always love her and always be her friend but an April wedding is probably just too soon to be involved in a wedding party. She said she totally understood.

We talked about the elephant in the room for maybe 20 more minutes but honestly we were just talking in circles, saying the same thing over and over again. So we just sort of moved on to how she was feeling, how work was going, me apparently wearing some sort of man repellent because I can't even hook up on Tinder and all the other things friends usually talk about.

Tammy is in full blown morning sickness so she must have barfed 15 times in the first two hours of me being there. At first I just let her do her thing...but then I felt really bad because we've been friends for over 20 years and I'm not even helping her. So I went in and helped put her hair in a pony tail and rubbed her back.

And that's when it hit me that I would absolutely regret it and never be able to forgive myself if I weren't there for her wedding, pregnancy and having a matter who she was marrying. We went to lunch and at that point I told her I was sorry I was being selfish and I would be her maid of honor. She said no way I was being selfish but would never have another maid of honor besides me.

It's not going to be the easiest thing in my life but I can't not do it. So we went back to her apartment and Gregory was home. Suddenly I felt like such an idiot because I couldn't possibly be in their wedding, let alone ever be around the two of them together.

That was the most awkward hello I've ever had in my life (and thank god he'd cleaned up because I was just amped up with nerves to scream at him like I would have in the past). We sort of awkwardly sat on their couch not saying much but after a few minutes I just started telling myself again to grow up, don't let my own feelings get in the way of two people who may really belong together.

Seeing them in person together is even more saccharine sweet than I thought possible. They are perfect for each other. Gregory is supportive (I don't know how many times I had to claim best friend privilege when she got sick over loving fiancé privilege) and sweet and she's far more tolerant of him than I could ever possibly be. It was still hard for the rest of the evening but I think it will get better with time.

I decided again I would be in heir wedding. We had dinner and I got a hotel because even though I'm trying, i'm not ready to sleep in the same house as them. Tammy has to work today so i'm just hanging out before I see her for lunch than i'm going to drive back home.

We have a long, long way to go but I'm so glad I came to see her because at the very least we saw each other and talked it out and I'm very happy that I'm going to be involved in these major life events with her.

thank you so much for all the input the other day and thank you for reading all this.

tl;dr: my best friend is pregnant and marrying my ex boyfriend. She told me on Sunday, I had an AITA post that blew up on Tuesday and I travelled to see her yesterday to hash it out. Things are uncomfortable but she is and will always be my best friend and I've decided I'm going to be in her wedding.

Edit: I totally passed out last night so I didn't get to participate like I would have. I have to jump in and defend Tammy, maybe no one will see this because it's probably time this fades. Maybe no one will belive me but for all the critisms of her there's a good explanation that can most likely be explained away by me being a bad writer or not wanting this to be a narcissistic novel.

For example, I saw someone saying "Tammy should have called after the first kiss." I've known her for so long to know that she knows I can be very irrational and angry (I alluded to it in the other post but I had to do a year of anger management therapy because I can be like dynamite when I get pissed, I'm way better now but she probably has legit ptsd from some of my freak outs)

and she figured it was a one time thing so why poke the bear if that makes sense. Secondly, I can't stress enough how busy I was last fall. Not an exaggeration to say I was working 16+ hours a day with maybe a day off every 20-30 days. I was planning a huge event that centered around a true narcissist and he would have me on my phone, texting questions and answers all day long.

The last thing I wanted to do in my time off was get on my phone. I can count from that period and I'd say it averages 10 to 1 of Tammy texting me (I assume calls were worse) but one stretch I think I counted she texted me 40 times before I texted her back. It's bad timing more than anything because anyone of those may have been when she wanted to tell me.

And I definitely appreciate her thoughtfulness of not wanting to spring it on me while I was losing my mind from lack of sleep at work. I agree with her that this was an in person conversation anyways. I know Tammy is just an Internet Sprite to all but one of you (and that is so f-ing tworedditorsonecup thing, I wish I had the energy to do another post)

but she is a real person who has been my ride or die since we were 10 and 11. We've fought, screwed each other over so many times and we've always forgiven each other because having her in my life is way more important than pining over a guy I spent most of my time frustrated with anyways. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pining and I cried last night over this...

but like so many people said, maybe Tam-Tam's best gift to me as a friend was forcing me to get on with shit...maybe 10 years and 40+ breakups and just as many broken dishes and slammed doors...she was the sign the universe sent to make me move on from a guy who wasn't right for me.

Update #2:

So I log into this account from time to time and still a handful of people wanting to know how things were going. I decided to wait a bit until the actual wedding so I could do one final update. To recap, best friend moved to a city where my ex lived last year, I encouraged her to get uh touch with him, they started dating, she got pregnant and they fast tracked a wedding.

She asked me to be her maid of honor, I asked this subs opinion on whether or not I was being an a$$hole for refusing. It was pretty mixed response but very intense on both sides. After lots of soul searching I decided I would do it. Wedding was yesterday and it was actually a great time. It wasn’t without hard feelings.

I still very much had feelings for Greg and those feelings came out in me getting very frustrated with him when he wouldn’t return emails or phone calls about what he wanted to do. But Tammy was much more patient and kind with him and it really reinforced that feelings of not, he’s not the guy for me.

The ceremony yesterday was small and very beautiful and they are so in love with each other it’s almost sickening. I cried my eyes out both out of happiness for them but also after close to 10 years off and on, Greg and I are officially “over.” It’s never happening—and that’s a good thing but still worthy of tears.

On a good note (massive /s) my dry spell with men continues and I didn’t even get laid as the maid of honor at my best friend wedding. Yay! All of Greg’s friends were married or serious and Tammy’s brothers are off limits. The awesome guy who danced with me all night long was amazing in every way but I guess my penis wasn’t big enough for him to be attracted to me.

The only single available guy was Greg’s 65 year old uncle who gave me a ride on his Harley motorbike, but even that fell through and I’m about to hit the embassy suites breakfast by myself. a final note, this community saved my mental health during a really rough patch and I so appreciate the moderators and commuters for helping me see things clearly enough to be an adult and be there for my best friend. As hard as it was, I would be even sadder had I not been there yesterday. Thank you again.

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