'AITA for not wanting to date a critic of my writing work?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting to date a critic of my work?"

I am a published author, I mean I am no James Patterson, Stephen King etc and really it's not the purpose of me writing but I make fun money off my book sales. In a given month I am in the green by $100-300 dollars on a new book depending on the book genre and season when first published.

I don't really even do it for the money, like I said. I have a fulltime job and do plenty of other gigs as a performer slash artist on the side because it makes me happy.

Artistic expression just makes my world brighter and helps me from falling into bad mental health cycles as I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, or what I like to call, the Holy Bullsh*ttery, blessed be it's name. I started writing as a kid because I am dyslexic - highly - like ever see a person when you spell a weirdly spelt word and they look like they want to jump into oncoming traffic?

I'm worse. Don't give me verbal directions FFS text it. Point. Anything. The second my mental word is required to need to know too many words at any given time, I panic. I have tried every class, app, TikTok lifehack...it's not my strength. I am good at other things like coding or planning events etc. I have other strengths. So I just do my best and keep swimming like a dyslexic Dory.

THAT SAID I was teased and b-llied relentlessly all through childhood a lot growing up and labeled the dunce so the trauma lives. For an example, I was in my local paper - small town - for an event at school. I was like 2nd grade at the oldest. I made a whole imaginary town out of recycled materials and and had a story with it as my end of year project.

I worked on it for literal months, even figuring out how to make it foldable so it easier to travel with it in my grandfathers minivan. My story had 10 chapters and was handwritten in my messy kid handwriting. I had a teacher Ms. Smith. That's her real name because F that woman and it's common enough. She said my project was low class but "I guess I shouldn't expect much from you" and she walked off.

Her son, my classmate, stomped my project to oblivion. He smashed my playdough figurines of the people and pets, and as if that was not enough, he pointed and laughed at me when I cried. He then put copies of the article with my picture but added a dunce had and laughing faces in the school - lunchroom, homeroom, etc.

I mean the guy could cure cancer if he used that determination on it, I will give him that. If you're reading this Tyler - F you in particular and may your socks always be just a little damp. I was unlucky enough that when I moved, Tyler's mom happen to as well, so guess who had the privilege of that gem's company for 3 grades?

Tyler shoved me lockers in the 4th grade. He called me dumb every day. In 5th grade I was called dumb and fat (I was an underweight child). So fast forward and I am now in my early 30s, still dyslexic as hell. I live in a different state. I have a life and learned ways to deal with my weird brain and function. I moved on from childhood trauma, therapy, etc etc...

There is a guy I liked, Brian, and Brian seemed to like me too so we decided to do "non-date casual hangouts" to see if we vibe enough to consider dating (his words and idea). We hung out one on one for several instances but once he was super late so I had my laptop out. He saw me when he arrived and asked what I was doing and I sheepishly responded I was working on my next book.

He inquired more and I told him I published my first when I was 17 and have published at least 1 every year since then and told him of Ms. Smith and Tyler and more horror stories I won't get into as this is now a novel itself lol but that it spurred me to prove them wrong and beat this weird stereotype that neurodivergent folk are dumb, etc.

He asked to read it, and I said no. I use a pen name on purpose as those Amazon reviews can make you want to yeet your own soul from your body so I keep it separate from everyday life. Well, turns out if you know me and my nerdy joys, my pen name is easy to guess. From there its easy to find because I mentioned Amazon and let's just say my bio makes it pretty clear.

At our next meetup he asked me if I was said author and my shocked Pikachu face told him everything so he started reading the series. He came back the next time we met to laugh and say "I see why you don't put your name on your works. Don't quit your day job. Your writing sucks."

And he placed a copy of one of my books down on the bar. I couldn't help but drop my shoulders. He was laughing and talking, not seeing my expression and kept saying how he wasted hours of his life and FFS someone take my laptop as it might be a lethal weapon meant to kill us all with boredom.

Turns out he's not into mysteries or fantasy. I said that maybe it's just not his genre and he said it wasn't but "an [R-word] 3rd grader could have done better" and it's a good thing I am good at my job.

It was then that I could see he actually took in my expression and he backtracked. "I mean you clearly don't do it for money so it's whatever right? " and said I have other strengths but he did not believe at all that I make money off this.

He asserting surely, I buy my good reviews and probably bulk buy my own books to improve sales. I don't do any of that. I just smiled it away and said "well, I can't please everyone but I did make 250 this month from the sales of my last book alone so some people must like it" and laughed it off. But I knew then and there I didn't want to pursue him anymore.

When he texted to see if I planned our next hang out, I was honest and texted back that I wasn't interested and said that while I can take a note or any criticism, the way he went about it was hurtful and I don't want to be with someone who treats me that way for a hobby, that we are different people but I would like to remain friends, as otherwise we get on well, but nothing more.

He went off on me saying I picked the wrong time to lash out as he was having a bad day and now I've made it worse and that I am so rude and petty to be mad at honest criticism. He said that if I am so sensitive over honest opinions, good luck finding anyone who would want my dumb🍑 since looks are all I have with makeup and work and "nothing between the ears."

I blocked him but we have a mutual friend group and almost all of them have been asking me what's going on and that I broke his heart. I was thinking what? How? They said he's been depressed and asking about me and figured out I blocked him on everything and wants to give me a birthday gift (my birthday party past last week and I didn't invite him).

My friends are saying we are adults and this is immature. I mean I am not a saint and I have t-xic traits too, but I don't want to be with someone who criticizes me and my work that way and treats me like bantha poodoo. Am I crazy? Am I TA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

ShesChoaticGood6599 wrote:

Okay, as someone labelled as "too nice" you are too nice to this guy by even considering you were mean. He's awful. May his socks also be damp.

Also as a fellow neurodivergent, may the force be with you. Ignorant folk be WILLDING out here.

OP responded:

And also with you!!!!!

ocean_lei wrote:

Wow, he could give “honest criticism” (while laughing and being snarky, ugly and rude) but then he has a giant hissy fit when you give him feedback that therefore you arent interested and because “he was having a bad day” NTA You were wise to steer clear of the b-llying manchild.

OP responded:

Thank you I was freaking out as if maybe I am the minority and acting like a child. I am open to opinions on my work, I do enjoy the separation of having a pen name, but the way it was delivered is not what is ant I live with.

zeeelfprince wrote:

Dude. I wish I could post memes here, because the one with the book cover, inside a cage, titled "why men deserve to be in cages" fits nicely here As does "the lion, the witch, and the audacity of this b--ch." Because seriously, the f-king sheer audacity NTA.

OP responded:

The Lion, the Witch and the Audacity of this B-ch KILLED ME 🤣🤣🤣💀💀

Deathtoallants wrote:

NTA. Don't date douchebags like Brian. Don't waste your time with him because you know that s-tty attitude of his will be something you'll have to deal with all of the time if in a relationship. He could've been excused if he diplomatically and carefully praised certain parts of your writing but said as a whole, it wasn't a genre he favored.

I despise "let me rudely sh-t on you while using the bulls-t excuse that it's 'honest criticism.'" Be thankful he wasn't sly enough to keep a fake mask of politeness on. The really scary people are skilled at keeping up a nice persona until you're way too deep into a relationship with them before finally revealing their true self of AHness.

OP responded:

It's that fear for me. I don't want to be with someone who tells me who they are via behavior early on and then I am later like that meme of the woman doing math like "am I crazy or is he gaslighting."

Five weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hi - so for anyone who cares to know, Brian told all our friends that I rubbed my achievements in his face and called him an idiot (I never said anything like that).

He told them also about my post so he found it somehow and started telling everyone that I am trying to slander him as "girls can ruin a man's reputation by snapping her fingers" and suggested my next move would be to say he ass-ulted me.

Some of our friends came at me hard saying I was bullying him and trying to ruin his rep and all he did was asking a girl he liked out for drinks and that I need to apologize and just suck it up and go to drinks with him.

They since have either outright not invited me out with the group or disinvited me to events and it was really hard to accept. I was realy confused, because he was the one who made fun of me and I wrestled with myself going over every talk again and again wondering if I inadvertently said or did something to upset him.

It wasn't until I checked our text and message history that it occurred to me to send the screenshots as he called me a moron and then when I rejected him he called me fat, desperate, and stupid. And there were more such messages after he found my book series. So I took screenshots and sent it to my friends and they were shocked.

Apparently according to Brian my outwardly "sweet demeanor" hides my judgemental and cruel side and that I strung him along anf called him a loser when I told him I wasn't interested in dating him. I even pettily went back before all of this and screenshot spme of his rude or mean texts he made. And I screenshot my actual rejection text and his response and sent that along as well.

Now the tides have shifted and most of our friends think he was the AH and two of our friends are saying I am sending "my choice" of screenshots to make him out to be a villain and that they have seen the "real" screenshots of me b-llying him. I asked them to produce such screenshots but they refused and said I wouldn't be worried about them if I was innocent as some sort of "gotcha."

I feel really bad as I wanted to stay friendly but I can never look at him with any semblance of respect anymore. I am glad it's cleared up with my friends (sans the 2 holdouts but they are now also on the outs with the group) so things are looking back to normal. I have my first publishing party for my next book and everyone is invited but them. Weird way it all ended but oh well.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

Driftwood256 wrote:

Good for you, glad you had the receipts to straighten s-t out...

BakeaCake45 wrote:

J Success is oddly the best key to both joy and revenge. Congrats and good luck.

PoweredbyCoffee0327 wrote:

If this and your previous post are examples of your writing, not only was he an incredibly toxic, rude mf, but also an idiot because your writing here is clear and concise while keeping a narrative flow that made for interesting and pleasant read, douche-y villains aside. Wouldn't have known you were dyslexic or any type of neuro-spicy at all had you not mentioned it.

Also, even before all this came out in the wash, the friends who pushed you to just 'suck it up and get drinks with him' cause you 'broke his heart' after he just shot his shot with 'a girl he likes' should probably not be considered friends.

I really dislike that you're supposed to manage/assuage his feelings (being hurt you said no) by ignoring your own (I don't want to date you). Just my couple of pennies' worth of course. Congrats on the novel launch! <3

TwynZylander214 wrote:

I am happy everything is turning out good for you. This guy is completely t-xic and it’s always better when the trash takes itself out. Congratulations on your book!

Six weeks later, OP shared another update.

So this has taken a turn for the unnecessarily dramatic. Anyways, I had opted to ignore Brian and any attempt he made to get a rise out of me. He apologized to the group but then said he was forced to or be ostracized.

He said I was using my "social captial" to go after him and has since been trying to get any direct cruel words from me which i have not provided him. After a month I can list my top 5 favorites:

1. Going to places I also frequent and sitting nearby me no matter how much available seating there is elsewhere or me moving my usual spot leagues away, and he will loudly have "phone calls" talking about the b*tch who broke his heart because "women are so sensitive."

2. Getting an alt account on nearly all social media to find me and follow my accounts which are public, as a workaround my blocking him, to comment "reviews" on any of my art (books, acting, modeling, doesn't matter, he will comment a reason I suck) and then will simply make a new account when I block the last one and delete his comments.

3. Any time the groupchat pops off with invites to events and I say I am going, he will reply to that with "my GF is the kindest person but I don't think she'd like me hanging out with you" etc.

And if I don't reply to invites until he is he will say it's a good thing I'm not coming because of his GF or that now he can't come because if I come his GF will be upset I'm hanging with an ex. (We never dated) - when any of us ask who his GF is he says she's shy and he will introduce her eventually etc.

4. I am speaking at a conference and got excited and shared in the group chat and everyone congratulated me but he said that was okay but not newsworthy and then looked up the conference and saw I have a relative also presenting and suggested that is how I got the spot and not on my own merit.

5. Revealing this reddit name to the friend group and linking my first post as "proof" I bully him despite not speaking to him, not naming him, and leaving put most if not all identifying info about him.

He's insisting I edited out the worst parts and I can't prove I didn't so, whatever. So all of that has been happening and yes I unblocked his phone number only because it was screwing up what I was seeing in the group chat and I got lazy and didn't figure it out.

Plus he doesn't text me directly anymore anyway. Well about a week ago, I went up to housesit for my parents a small drive away from my own home and was due to stay for about a week. I only told the few friends in the group that didn't side with Brian the first round of BS. I used this time to go to work, and then spend my nonworking hours on my book and I came up with a new pen name.

I decided to revamp the whole fictional universe I created and was excited after I designed the cover for my first next book. I shared it with all in the group but him and his two flying monkeys but he found out about it anyway and flipped out in the group chat saying I was trying to show off again.

He said that I was trying to steal his spotlight as we all know damn well he is publishing his first book on Amazon this summer and me publishing mine at the same time with my fancy cover etc was just another form of b-llying. He akinned it to if inwore white at his wedding. I have to honest here. I had enough. I put up with this behavior for months now.

So I flat out said he never mentioned a book to me, and shared a screenshot of calling writing the profession for the [r-word] but unlike sharing the screwnhsot before, I didn't blank out the word. What a difference a word can make. Apparently the friend group thought the word I blanked out were "milder" and not slurs and we as a group are quite diverse on every spectrum save maybe politics.

So they dogged him for using a slur and he said that he's autistic and he can use that word just like I am black and can say the N word except he typed the full word. I said "Right - so I'm done with this." And left the chat. I didn't argue or do anything other than leave the chat. I was working at the time and put the phone down like "That's enough humaning for today" and went about my business.

This man rage texted me for hours until I got off work, saw his messages, and blocked him. I then see ads on FB and Instagram about his book, he was paying for ads on social media, his name is on the cover and he has comments underneath calling the book incredible, a masterpiece, undiluted artistry etc.and his book isn't out yet. He said his publishing date was August.

I remember because my next book is to come out in July and he had used that as another form of proof I was updating him, like setting my wedding date before a siblings to show them up. A few nights ago, he saw me at a spot I frequent for karaoke and I admittedly had been doing shots so I was pretty transparent in my disappointment that he was there when he approached me, calling my name.

He went in to hug me and I backed up and cold but politely said hi. He sensed my attitude and thre his hands up laughing saying "ooooh are you in another mood" and I opted to ignore him and move seats closer to the singers and some friends.

A few fellow regulars told him to leave me alone and he was spinning a tale that we slept together and I led him on, and now I am ignoring him and acting like I hate him, all because he is writing a book. He said I inspired him to write and I was angry his book was better and cited the reviews he got on social media. Well, that was enough for some to call him a creep and he went off about it.

Shouting and the like. He started to call for me to "come the f-k over here and tell them the truth" and that I was trying to ruin his reputation and the time we "slept together" (never happened) will eventually be me lying about being rped. Turns out if you start shouting that sort of thing in a public space while there is karaoke, to a person many in the room know personally...you get kicked out.

It's been beautifully quiet since. I told the friend group what happened and he is out of the group chat. Some still speak to him (the two holdouts from before) but they have not said boo to me directly. So I guess this makes this my final update. Not very exciting but a bucket of crazy and I had to share.

My neighbors know because one of the regulars at the bar lives walking distance from me and he told everyone at the community pool etc. I have such kind folks I never spoke to but have seen in walking my dog etc saying they are being watchful of my home and to call if I need anything. I didn't know people could be like this because he was never like this before.

He always was sweet to everyone in the group and we agreed on damn near everything, he would be compimenting me, telling me how smart and pretty I am and would even joke "Im not hitting on you" and laugh. To be honest, I am excited for August. I will be the first to buy his book. He's using his real name and has been advertising about it so...hey...

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

theNothingP3 wrote:

This guy is skirting stalking territory. Keep all your proof and stay ready to involve the cops. They probably won't do anything but a paper trail is always a good idea. CYA. Cameras and record him with your phone if you're in a 1 party consent state.

Stay safe OP, this guy isn't done. Also any guy who starts spouting off about how a woman can ruin their lives "just with a snap of their fingers" has definitely done some shady things to other women. It's always projection.

Affectionate_Life644 wrote:

I'm glad you were vindicated. I know several authors that now have publishers that started off with self publishing. Writing books is hard work. I'm glad you are sticking to it.

_gholam_ wrote:

Wow, he really couldn't handle the rejection! I feel so bad for the men that are so fragile that they break apart for so little. Like really immature, preteen levels of fragility. I wish you all the best in your future writing, maybe base a villain on him in the future?

Smoke_Frog wrote:

You expect us to believe that you stayed friends with all those people who didn’t believe and even kept using a group chat the pyshco was in all the time? Really? You wanted to keep being friends with people that only believed you when you had to post actual screenshots?

SpecialistBit283 wrote:

I’m personally going to find your work so that I can support you ❤️ Also, he sounds like a lunatic. Be extremely careful, he’s borderline stalking you and the fact that he keeps mentioning being falsely accused for SA could be clues that he plans on actually doing it.