'AITA for not wanting to donate sperm to my wife's friends? It feels a bit sudden.' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to donate sperm to my wife's friends?"
So we went out with my wife's friends (a lesbian couple). We'd had a really great time and when we went to bed my wife just asked how I felt and how I felt about them. So I just said that I felt pretty good, it was a nice night and they are pretty awesome, all that.
My wife then told me that they are thinking about using my sperm to conceive a child for them, she was very happy about it and said that she was glad to hear that I really enjoy spending time with them too.
I told her that she misunderstood because I don't really feel comfortable with that idea, it's just too close and I would kind of father a child that I would have some sort of relationship with. The idea of being around a biological child that I am not really raising and have to kind of pretend is not mine just felt horrible to me and I did not feel comfortable with this at all.
But my wife pressured and called me a bit selfish for not wanting to "wack off" quickly and be done with it. So I argued that maybe it would be better for them if they got the sperm of a brother or cousin to get the other woman pregnant, since that would at least make the child biologically related to both of them.
Why me? And so they want it to be me because they would like a blonde haired child and neither of them are so with my sperm the chances would be bigger. I am still refusing but my wife keeps telling me that I am making too much of a deal of it and that it's a selfish move to not just donate and be done with it. So yeah AITA for this?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Edit:
I'm getting comments here faster than I could possibly reply so I'm gonna answer some questions this way.
I think I made it seem like this was the first time I met them. It isn't, I've known them for a couple of years now and we even spent a weekend together at some point. This is just the first time ever that this came up.
I didn't consider child support as a factor but now I definitely am. I don't think they are after my money exactly, there is not that much to get anyways but you never know how this hypothetical situation would evolve.
Right now I hope this was a joke from them that stuck in my wife's head and that she got too tipsy and picked it back up. I posted here because I got very emotional but I will be bringing this back up with her in a more serious conversation.
No will stay no, no matter the reasons or motives that anyone brings up.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
cgrobin1 wrote:
NTA Your wife had no right offering up your sperm to anyone without discussing it with you first.
Just like not every woman is able to be a surrogate or donate an egg, and let go of a child they helped create, we should not presume every man can walk away from their biological child. Curious. Would this hypothetical child know you are their biological father, or are you expected to live a lie?
OP responded:
I'm not sure what the plan is, if I am supposed to be the father officially or if I am expected to be a "family friend." I just don't think I can deal with that, it might be different if it was some random stranger but I will have some presence in this child's life but I won't be raising it.
Lay-ZFair wrote:
NTA don't do it - you would regret it. Offer for your wife to have a baby for them and give it to them and see how she feels about that idea.
OP responded:
I raised the surrogate mother argument with her, if the roles were flipped and I offered her womb to a gay friend of mine, how would she feel? But she argued that in no way is donating sperm and going to pregnancy the same. Fair enough, it's not the same but yeah I still don't want to do it.
Lay-Zfair responded:
Bet the emotions that come with giving away a child are the same either way.
OP responded:
That's my argument too but the argument I'm getting back is that I don't have a bond with it like a mother would have after 9 months. I am more resolved now since posting here so I'm definitely not doing it.
Ok_Childhood_9774 wrote:
Definitely NTA for multiple reasons. I also suspect they want you to do it for financial reasons, but if you don't have a legally binding contract, you could easily find yourself on the hook for child support in the future. And your wife was really disrespectful to spring this on you since it's clear the 3 of them had this plan in mind when you all went out.
OP responded:
I didn't really consider child support in this yet...I was mostly concerned with seeing my child grow up but kind of from a distance. I hope that that did not come in their minds when this question came. And yes they probably went out this time to see how I behave and if there is a "click" so to speak.
MyChoiceNotYours wrote:
NTA she has no right to even ask that of you. She wouldn't like it if you told her one of your friends would like some of her eggs to start a family. It sounds like you barely know these people and she's just offering up your sperm like it's meaningless. Tell her the answer is no and no means no and to drop it.
OP responded:
I know them through my wife, they are very close friends and I do get along with them. Thing is the fact that I know them is what makes this more difficult for me. I might have it easier if they were random strangers or much closer, like if my sister was lesbian and asked the same question to make her wife or gf pregnant I would me much more willing. This just feels wrong.
Hes-a-carnivore wrote:
NTA.
Your body, your choice.