'AITA for not giving my friend a key to the apartment she shares with her soon-to-be ex husband?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to give my friend her key back?"

I became friends with a couple (F26/M31) when they moved to my city about 3 years ago. I met them together and am closer with the wife but also still friends with the husband. About a year ago, the wife moved to another city for her job while the husband stayed behind to finish his masters.

I got a call from the wife in September. She was inconsolable and said that she had a brief affair with someone but called it off because she wanted to focus on her marriage. The AP did not take it well, found the husband and told him everything in painful detail with screenshots/photo evidence. The husband was obviously blindsided and devastated.

They are still in two separate states and the husband has gone low-to-no contact with the wife asking her for space. She has been incredibly emotional since this happened. I’ve been in contact with her multiple times a day even just to check in and let her know she’s loved and important but she’s understandably been a mess.

I’ve seen the husband a few times. I let him know that the wife told me what happened and that I just wanted him to know that I’m here if he needs anything. My goal is to just be there for both of my friends and not get in the middle. To me it comes down to some bad decisions that were made that had really painful consequences.

There’s no villain in this story. People are not the sum of their mistakes. Fast forward to present day where the wife was served with divorce papers. She wants to talk to him in person but he doesn’t. He agreed to FaceTime only if they do speak. She wants to fly here without telling him and show up on his doorstep to fight for the marriage.

They have a door code to their apartment that they use every day. They also have a key which they gave me about a year ago when I was watching their pets. When I went to give it back to the husband, he said just to hang onto it.

He let her know that he has changed the code to the door so right now she has no physical way to get into the apartment if he’s not home. She’s also concerned that he won’t let her in if he knows it’s her which I don’t think would be the case but who knows.

She asked me to pick her up from the airport and give her the key so that she can get in. I said I’m really not comfortable with it because I don’t want the husband to feel like I’ve betrayed him or was part of some sort of ambush. She’s also walking in at 10 PM when he is not expecting anybody. I’d be really spooked if it was me. He’s former military but I just think it’s not great to surprise anyone that late.

I know this sounds stupid, but I suggested that if she Ubers to the apartment and he won’t let her in or isn’t home, I can drive over (I’m only 15 min away) and give her the key then but she said no. She is on the lease so she can still legally enter the apartment, so I’ve reluctantly agreed to give her the key upfront. So AITA to HIM if I give her the key or AITA to HER if I don’t give it to her upfront?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Character_Log_5444 said:

NTA for giving him the key or telling him to change the locks. Mail him the key and tell him to expect it. Do not let your friend hurt him anymore. She chose to cheat on her husband. There are consequences. What if you were in his shoes? How would you feel if your cheating ex was given keys to your home?

jaybull222 said:

If you give her the key, you are totally TA - Honestly, your friend sounds toxic and she isn't respecting his boundaries. Don't join her in stomping all over this poor man's boundaries by giving her this key to ambush him.

Icklebunnykins said:

Do not get involved. Your friendship with both of them will irretrievably be changed. She lives further away and will more than likely not come back. He lives locally so it's nice to have a friend you can trust.

I would just say to her that she is putting you in an impossible situation and it isn't fair. You've been there for her throughout but this is one step too far and tell her you gave the key back if nothing else. Good luck.

OP responded:

Thanks, you’ve made some really great points. I’m definitely not going to be giving her the key.

Amazing-Wave4704 said:

Do NOT Give her the key!! Under ANY circumstances. You need to get OUT of the middle of this. You say you want to stay friends with both of these people. If you let her into the apartment or give her the key that is NOT remaining neutral. And it would also be a really scuzzy thing to do. Don't be scuzzy.

And Little_Loki918 said:

YWBTA if you give her the key. Give him back the key and insist that he takes it back (frankly weird that he didn't take it beck when you first offered). Call your friend and tell her that you don't appreciate HER putting you in the middle.

Tell her that her plan is crazy and unsafe. While she wants to fight for her relationship after destroying it, she doesn't get to force herself on him or his space. She can move back and make housing plans and try to talk to him, but he owes her nothing.

She later shared this series of edits in response to comments:

EDIT 1: I should have clarified that they were still together when they gave me the key which is part of why I’m conflicted. She technically gave it to me with him there. She had already moved for her job when I went to give it back and he told me to just hang on to it.

EDIT 2: This is a difficult situation because her mental health has declined significantly since this all occurred. There have been episodes of self harm and suicidal thoughts where she was actually making a plan and reached out to me. I was able to coordinate with one of her friends there and convinced her to admit herself to the hospital for a 48 hour hold. So her mental health has been incredibly fragile.

That doesn’t excuse the choices she’s made in any way. During those episodes, she asked me to reach out to her husband to tell him the state she was in and I told her no because I felt like it was manipulative and I also felt like whether he responded or not, it would only impact her negatively either way and she needed to work with her therapist to help her through this.

The support I’ve given her has been solely regarding her mental health. I haven’t engaged in any conversations with either of them about the other. She has mostly vented to me about her deep regret, remorse, guilt and lack of self-worth because of the choices she’s made.

And as her friend, I’ve really tried to just support her as a vulnerable human being by reminding her that we are not the sum of our mistakes and while this is painful and has some deep consequences, she still has so much to live for.

I say all this because I’m seeing a lot of comments saying that I inserted myself into the middle of this, but this all just happened today. She asked me for the key and I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that for the reason stated in my original post. She is obviously emotional and again, she is technically the one that gave me the key which is why I reluctantly agreed.

But then I came here because my conscience is telling me that’s not the right decision even though I feel like I’m trying to balance a sensitive situation which has been really intense.

EDIT 3: First, I do want to say that I absolutely think the choices she made were wrong. And so does she. She knows that she effed up and has been torturing herself over it in some really intense ways - ways that I am absolutely not qualified to help her navigate but have tried to be a supportive friend through it because of the the immediacy and severity of the help she needed at the time.

Thanks to everyone for the perspective. I think I have been so worried about her emotional state over the last few months that I’ve been too close to it to see what some of you are saying in that she’s being a bit manipulative with me, especially when I told her I wasn’t comfortable giving her the key.

I’m going to call her tomorrow and let her know that I’m not giving it to her. I really appreciate the “snap out of it!” slap a lot of you provided.

A few days later, she shared this update:

UPDATE ON THE WIFE:

I let her know this morning that I wouldn’t be giving her the key. As many of you predicted, she instantly responded with complete vitriol. No discussion. No ‘please reconsider’. None of that. Just straight to “I can’t believe you right now.” “I can’t rely on anyone. Thanks a lot.” “Fine. You will regret it.” (That last one was a bit unexpected.)

I probably would have been shocked if I hadn’t read the feedback on this post beforehand. So I was honestly unfazed and just responded that I don’t support what she’s trying to do, and like a few people mentioned, if roles were reversed and the husband was asking me to do this, I would absolutely be saying the same thing and that she needs to respect my decision because it wasn’t going to change.

Among other things, she told me I was ruining everything. I let her know that unfortunately she is the one that has ruined everything with the decisions she’s made in the past and that it’s time for her to start taking accountability and stop looking for people to blame. I also told her that I would be giving the key back to the husband and letting him know what she was planning.

She lost it. Lots of swearing. Lots of self pity. Threats of self-harm. And then said I wasn’t a good friend to her. That’s when I had enough. I told her I was done being a punching bag for her and that I know I’ve been a good friend to her when no one else was supporting her and I saw her through some dark times. I said her selfishness had finally crossed a line with me.

I ended it by saying that that she’s in a dangerous state of mind and that she should reach out to her therapist and share our conversation so she can give her an objective view of it. I let her know that she needed help that I can no longer give and that I was done.

She sent me 2 apology texts about 5 minutes later but I haven’t responded and don’t plan to. If she somehow shows up at my door if she flies in tomorrow, I won’t be answering.

UPDATE ON THE HUSBAND:

I let him know everything this morning. We’re good and we made plans to give him back the key. She’s supposed to fly in tomorrow night and leave Saturday. He actually won’t even be in town this weekend.

Commenters weighed in to offer support:

Liu1845 said:

You absolutely did the right thing. Block her number and be careful answering your door, just in case.

davekayaus said:

You did the right thing. She showed her true face, which to be honest was no surprise to those of us who read the story. This is who she is, and it's good you recognize that now.

The best next step would be to block her. You don't need to be swayed (or annoyed) by a deluge of 'sorrynotsorrythisiswhoiam' texts.

And OP responded:

Agreed and I have. :)