'AITA for not wanting to invite a lifelong friend to my wedding?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting to invite a lifelong friend to my wedding?"

Since the age of 5 I (25 f) have been in a friend group consisting of Anne (27 f), Laura (26 f) and Judith (27 f). My mom is and was close friends with the mother of Anne. So we always were meeting up and even went on vacation together throughout the years.

The problem was and still is that I never really felt close to Anne. She is somebody who needs the attention of people, needs to be the life of the party. I however was a shy little girl and still am an introverted person. I just like to not be around many people and have my quiet time. In hindsight, Anne always loved to be the older person of the both of us and kinda liked controlling me.

Sometimes she seemed to care but afterwards it all was about her. She ALWAYS got what she wanted. Whenever I shared secrets with her, like you do with a friend, it quickly was no secret anymore. She always had this overwhelming confidence. When I got together with my fiancé she wanted us to meet for a pool party. She got naked in front of him and jumped into the pool...I think you get the idea of her.

As our friend group got older, we split up to all go to different states for University. Anne was the only one who stayed in our hometown. I really liked to be away and finally do what I wanted to do, discover myself, find new friends. Two years passing, Anne called me and told me she was getting married. (It was a surprise as she had a new boyfriend every few months...).

She wanted Judith and me to be her maids of honor. She wanted it to be the two of us, because we were living far away and as two people we were able to plan things better. I was 21 at the time and really didn't want to be a maid of honor with all the responsibility and time I had to invest.

It was only because of Judith that I said yes. I will just quickly summarize: Judith at one point wasn't a maid of honor anymore and I had to do everything by myself...I even called Anne one day and told her I don't want to be the maid the honor as I have to deal with university and am living far away. Honestly, we were not even good friends by then.

Anne cried and I ended up still being the maid of honor...Anne told everyone at the wedding that I was her best friend...I have no idea why. Everything was shit for me, I couldn't do a good job as a maid of honor and I do not want to be friends with Anne anymore. We did not get into a fight or something I just decided it silently for myself because I hate confrontation like this.

As I got older I just realized how badly she treated me everytime and that I didnt feel safe around her or to share private things with her. I just decided to go no contact.

After University I moved to a different city. It still is far away from my hometown. Anne texted me one time to meet up, but I kindly turned down the offer.

My mom told me (she knows from Anne's mother) that Anne is very sad, not in a good place mentally and always complains about having no friends. I think she wants us to get into contact again, but I really do not want to. I mean Anne does not make any moves in calling or texting me either, so why should I? Laura and I have remained best friends over the years.

We call each other weekly, text and are just curious about the life of the other. We visit each other and I really just like this friendship, I'd call her my best friend. Judith and I are still friends too, we just do not text frequently or see each other often, but still I see her as my friend. Fast and forward: My fiancé (26 m) and I are getting married next year!!

I am so excited and get into planning now. Laura is going to be my maid of honor. The wedding party is supposed to be in my parents garden, so in my old hometown. As I am, my fiancé is an introvert too and we just like it quiet. So our wedding ceremony is going to be very intimate and private. I just want close family (and Laura) with us that day.

For the little party afterwards I want to invite a few of my school friends from my hometown. I do not want to invite Anne. Now here is the problem: My mom really wants me to invite Anne. Mainly because she is friends with Annes mom and doesn't want the friendship to break over this. But also because Anne invited me to her wedding.

As I did not break off the friendship with Anne, just decided this in silence for myself, I kinda feel weird not inviting her. She would be so sad and mad and I am a people pleaser. Ugh it sounds stupid. If I would invite her I KNOW this would be all about herself. Her husband is an attention seeker too. So it kinda would be about the two of them. I just don't want people like this in my life anymore.

My mom would be mad and even my fiancé tells me if I want to invite my other friends for the party I should invite Anne too. They say either I make it an "only family" party or if I want to invite friends, I have to invite Anne too. Now I feel like I cannot invite who I want to my wedding just because of Anne. What should I do??? AITA if I do not invite her?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BBMcBeadle wrote:

Is your mother aware of all of the instances of Anne being a bad friend and that you haven’t spoken in years?

OP responded:

Back then I told her a lot I didn't wanna play with Anne. Nowadays she knows I don't want a "friendship" with her anymore. That's actually okay for her, she doesn' pressure me to still be her friend or to meet up with her or things like that. I think she would just love for me to invite her because I've known her all my life, to keep the peace and "Oh, what's the big deal? Anne is a nice girl."

Yes, she is nice as a person on the level my mother got to know her. She is just not a nice person I want to call a "friend" anymore. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. She would be disappointed and a little mad if I wouldn't invite Anne but she will be fine. She knows these are choices I make and let's me make them.

Just_Wondering4871 wrote:

I would have a frank talk with mom and explain to her why you will not invite Anne. I would also let mom know that you are not a child and cannot be forced to be friends with someone because your mom and her mom are friends. This is yours and your fiancé’s wedding, it’s your day. End of story.

Electronic-Body-446 wrote:

You will regret inviting Anne and you know it. NTA for standing firm on not inviting her. Make it CLEAR to your mother that if Anne shows up, she will be removed from the event immediately.

If any drama occurs before the wedding from your mom pulling in Anne or Anne’s mother, you need to set firm boundaries that she too may not be included in wedding events if she cannot respect that this is YOUR WEDDING and the only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancé.

YWBTA if you people please for your wedding day, but I think you already know this. You should also tell Anne you are NOT friends or acquaintances, you need to firmly close out relationships and not ghost…

Three days later, OP shared an update.

As soon as I was writing my original post, put all my thoughts into these words, I realized how I always felt about Anne. If it would be a wedding of over 100 guests I'd probably invite her, she won't be the main character there. But as it will be small and intimate I cannot invite her. The friendship that was never a friendship is over.

I will tell her if she want's to know but I do not feel like I have to contact her after we haven't been in contact for years just to tell her that it's over? After I read all your comments I called my mom. I told her that I won't invite Anne to my wedding.

At first she was like: "Oh, what's the big deal! Just invite her. You can break it off after the wedding. (Anne's mom) will be so upset about it. And Anne really isn't feeling well because she feels like she doesn't have any friends."

But when I told her what I put into words here she actually was understanding. She is okay with me not inviting her but told me there will be drama with Anne's mother. I think it is THEIR friendship and it does nothing have to do with the relationship I have with Anne.

Mom told me, that at one point she will mention the wedding to Anne's mom and I am totally okay with it. If Anne will contact me about it (which I actually doubt) I will tell her what's going on.

I am really fine with my decision and stand by it.

Thank you internet strangers, if there is more drama coming up, I'll update.

The internet was quick to share their feedback.

morchard1493 wrote:

I just read your last post because I came across this post first in my feed. I'm glad you didn't invite Anne. With what she did in front of your fiancé at that pool gathering, I wouldn't put it past her to try to do something to upstage you and your husband on your wedding day.

Don't invite Anne's mother, though, please, even if your mother insists on it. For all we know, she could end up bringing Anne with her, or she could end up creating some kind of scene herself ("The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," as the saying goes).

OP responded:

I won't invite Anne's mom! I have nothing to do with her. But you are totally correct. Anne and her mom are very much alike. Anne's mom is just a more grown up version and settled down a bit over the years. My mom won't invite her either, I am 100% sure about this.

AlpineLad1965 wrote:

Here's an idea, tell your mom to keep her mouth shut until 'AFTER' your wedding! That way, Anne can't crash the event.

OP responded:

My mom is very best friends with Anne's mom so I am very sure they will talk about the wedding at one point. I mean my mom is so excited for me and will share the news with her friends. She is also invested in planning so she probably will talk about this a lot. So no way she won't say anything to Anne's mom about it.

Lisa_Knows_Best wrote:

Are you inviting Anne's mother to your wedding? Is your mother insisting her friend come to your wedding? You said it was family and your close friends only so why would Anne's mother be there? Why does she even need to know?

Your mother's friendship is hers to deal with. You have no interest in keeping contact with Anne so by extension why would you care what her mother thinks. Too bad for Anne, maybe if she wasn't such a crappy person she would have more friends. Don't feel the least bit bad about this. Your wedding is a day you surround yourself with people you love. Anne and her mother don't make the cut.

Six months later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone! Thank you for your patience. A wedding is a long process of planning so I hadn't anything to update you about until recently. My wedding is in July 2025. We sent out the invitations in January. No invitation for Anne.

I really am very thankful for all the advice you have given me. I even talked to Judith and Laura about it and showed them my post. They both were totally agreeing with me and even said, that I was way too nice in my description of Anne. Yeah, things happened in the past and both of them cut contact to Anne a while ago. There was no clean cut, I guess Anne didn't want to contact them either anymore.

My mother tried to talk to me several times about me not inviting Anne. Anne's mom (let's call her Susan) apparently would always tell her that Anne feels so alone. I made up my mind and would repeat myself to my mom. She still doesn't understand why I would invite Laura and Judith and not poor Anne. But I feel totally okay with it.

So two weeks ago my mom told me, that she HAD to tell Anne's mom Susan, that I am getting married. She couldn't keep it any longer from her as she is her best friend. Okay, I told her she should keep it from Susan as long as possible and I guess that was as long as possible for her. I was curious of how the next events would turn out.

One week later I got a text from Anne!!! She hadn't texted me in years and suddenly was like "Hi! How are you doing?". We all know why she texted me and I know what she really wants to ask. Not how I am doing but why she wasn't invited to my wedding. Shocking. I replied to her, that I am doing well.

Then she said "I would be so happy if we could meet up soon. We could even bring our men!". I thought a lot about the words I would reply. In summary I texted her, that we haven't been in contact for several years and we just grew apart. Things like this happen and I think it's okay the way it is. I do not want to meet up now or some time in the future and wish her all the best.

She replied very grown up. She accepts my decision. BUT you have to know, she always behaved like that. She was always very good in playing so innocent. Saying sorry so much, would look at you with eyes of a puppy dog and everyone would melt away and feel sorry about THEMSELVES. I left it at that and didn't reply any further. I love how there is FINALLY an end. An absolute end and she knows it.

I told my mom right after her text, what happened because I counted on Susan to call my mom and yell at her. My mother was so sad. She asked me if I couldn't tell Anne that I didn't have TIME to meet up soon and not cancel the whole friendship... These are just comments from my mom I had to learn to ignore. I told her for the thousandst time that I didn't want to be friends with Anne.

But I just think she doesn't really want to understand. She's not mad at me though. She accepts it but there will be more comments about it, I bet. So, Susan called my mom yesterday. She wasn't yelling. Just telling her what Anne has told her. Anne supposedly is SO sad that I canceled the friendship.

For years we had no contact and she still is sad? What did she expect??? My mom and Susan are still friends. I guess Susan will just tell my mom every time they talk how sad Anne is. But yeah, that's the update. I guess it wasn't much drama but that's good. I am feeling good and am excited about the wedding. Thank you everyone for the advice, I appreciate it a lot.

The internet was glad to hear from OP again.

WishbomeMoney3342 wrote:

Anne will be coming with Susan as her plus one if you gave her one. If Susan is married and her husband was invited, I see him becoming “sick” on the day of your wedding and Anne will be her “date." Congratulations on your wedding and staying firm with your mother regarding Anne. I bet if you look at your mom’s friendship with Susan, it’s probably as toxic as yours and Anne’s friendship.

OP responded:

Susan is definitely not invited to my wedding. It really is only family and very close friends. I have nothing to do with Susan. But yeah, Susan is just like Anne. My mother is very different from me though. Maybe that's why she really likes the friendship with Susan? I never liked Susan, but with the years she settled down and is more pleasant to be around now.

5newspapers wrote:

Oh man. Good on you for standing firm. Your mom is trying to dump her friendship drama on you, so if she brings it up again, tell her that Anne makes YOU soooo sad and can’t she just end her friendship with Susan? No? Why, does she care more about them than you, her daughter? Your mom doesn’t care if you’re sad? But I’m dramatic and petty and messy so ignore this lol.

OP responded:

I think Susan is happy about me getting married. She got married last year and even offered her decorations for me to reuse. I just think when it comes to her daughter, she is protective. She is not mad or anything. Probably just wanted to talk to my mother about it.

dialspizza123 wrote:

Sounds like Anne learnt how to walk all over people from her mum Susan. If your mum continues ask her why Anne’s happiness is more important than her own daughters at her own wedding.