"AITA for not wanting to raise my boyfriend’s ex’s kid?"
I (30f) and my bf (33m) have been together for 2.5 years, he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex who I’ll call Ashley. Ashley and I have never gotten along. She was extremely cruel to my boyfriend in their past relationship. He has told me some stuff and his family have also told me things they’ve witnessed. She was verbally, physically and financially cruel.
My boyfriend is in therapy to work through it and has made great progress since we started dating. She is extremely manipulative and has continued to exploit my bf throughout the entirety of our relationship.
Whenever I or his family have pointed it out, he just claims he’s being the bigger person for his child. We dated for almost a year before he let me become a part of his daughter’s life and she adores me.
Over the years Ashley has tried a lot with me and it’s gotten to the point where I no longer do pick ups or drop offs with her and I no longer babysit on her court ordered days for her. Which isn’t very often as she takes her daughter only when it’s convenient for her and rarely overnight. My boyfriend understands my feelings and is supportive.
Recently, my bf had to do a paternity test to enroll his daughter in a program that will benefit her future. The test came back and he is not her biological father. I was shocked as they look so much alike, however I understand genetics are a random lottery.
I gave him space and time to accept and grieve this information. I eventually told him he will need to get legal counsel and inform the biological father if she knows who he is. He called me heartless and said they might take her away.
I told him that it wasn’t my intention to hurt him but also this is an extremely difficult situation for all parties involved. I told him it’s not up to us and ultimately that decision is up to his ex and is something he should prepare for.
It’s been a week since this discussion and I am realizing I do not want to raise her child. My feelings of resentment stem from Ashley never having to deal with the consequences of her actions and my hatred for her mistreatment of my bf.
My bf is an amazing father and his daughter is his world. He is the sweetest most amazing man and I know he will still raise another mans child for her, but it’s something I don’t want to watch up close.
I told him my decision and have been staying with my sister. I just cannot get past the destruction and hurt that woman has caused, I know it’s not fair to my bf or his daughter but I just know what I can and can’t handle. This was not an easy decision but I feel it’s necessary for my mental health. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I’m gonna say NAH. You don’t want the family he is offering. You gave it a go but the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze. He loves his daughter and wants to keep her. He deserves someone who gets that and supports him through it. Better for both of you that you end it so you can both find what you deserve.
This isn’t the relationship for you.
Totally understandable if OP never comes back - her ex needs to realize just because he wants to be father to child that's not his, doesn't mean every woman wants to stepmother to said child.
Especially when bio-mother is trifling instigating abusive mess that uses the existence of child to hurt & control him while also harming OP by proxy - Yeah, that's a huge nope to that relationship. OP can't get away fast enough from that train wreck...
If you can't accept it, better to break up immediately. That poor little girl. I don't quite understand why you are so set against helping to raise her. You're only involved with her because of your bf - if he still intends to be her father (as he is, as he would be if she were adopted, for example), then I don't see it's any different for you.
Can't you look at her as an adopted child?
However, better you be out of her life than in it and resenting her.
NTA for preparing him that he might need to look into legal counsel, that kid is his daughter no matter what a test says. He needs to make sure that she can't legally be taken away from him just because they don't share DNA. But going back to him and expecting him to turn his back on his daughter just because she isn't biologically his? That would be an AH move.
NTA I think it is more having to deal with Ashley the rest of your life. Which makes sense. I think if she was a wonderful person with 50/50 custody but had made one "mistake" and he found out, maybe it would be a different story.
I think it was kind of the last straw for you watching him be used and manipulated. It makes sense. And you took yourself out of the situation instead of trying to make him not see his daughter any more. You are a good person and doing the right thing.
NTA. I’m sorry but while biology doesn’t matter with regards to emotions it does matter with regards to responsibility and legality. His ex is abusive and has used him for years. And now that she knows he has no legal right to her daughter, it’s going to be awful.
She is going to use his feelings towards her kid to extort anything and everything and to hurt him. And what happens when she meets someone in a few years and marries him and he wants to adopt the daughter? Or when the bio dad realizes his kid was kept from him?
It’s going to be 13 more years of drama and misery at best. As awful as it sounds , the child is 4 years old. I would not take on another 13-14 years of misery that will likely end early when she takes the daughter away from him regardless. And that damage will be much harder on her at 12 than 4.