'AITA for not warning my ex about his new partner's mental health struggles? Not my problem.'

"AITA for not warning my ex about his new partner?"

Just over a year ago I (35f) was engaged and totally in love. However, a few days before the wedding, he (42M) dramatically called the whole thing off. This was after I asked if we could have some therapy as I was finding some of his behaviours increasingly disrespectful, despite my attempts to tackle it.

But he responded by flipping out and sent all the cancellations to guests without even consulting me and lots of other unkind and over the top behaviour which I felt was really unnecessary and really hurt me. I was totally devastated and tried to make him come round but he wouldn't, so eventually I stopped trying and just focussed on rebuilding my life without him.

I was then shocked and to be honest, pretty gutted, when just three months after our break up, he was engaged to someone new and just another three months after that, married to her. I know for sure that they didn't know each other before we broke up, so it was not because they were having an affair.

I think it was just a rebound thing and because he really wants to have a family asap, he just went for it. It so happens that I know her (35f) vaguely from a couple years ago and don't think very highly of her. She was often really miserable and would bring the happy energy of a room down as soon as she walked in.

She was highly defensive, taking almost anything anyone says to her, no matter how well intentioned, in the wrong way. So despite us being the same age and in the same community, I never bothered to befriend her as she was just not my sort of person. She seemed to have a particular dislike of me, and made a couple of passive aggressive comments towards me.

I don't know what spurred it but didn't care enough to pull her up on it. I assumed she was just a miserable in herself, so wasn't something to take too personally. I never gave her another thought until a couple of years later when she married my ex. I didn't say anything to anyone when my ex got engaged or married.

I thought it seemed like a strange choice but thought maybe they will work out as I don't know her well enough to know what nice qualities she has. When they were engaged, a couple of people who knew both me and her wanted me to contact her to warn her about his behaviour with me, but I felt I couldn't predict if he would treat her with the same disrespect.

So didn't want to involve myself, and just wanted to concentrate on moving on. Recently, just a few months in to their marriage I bumped into him. We were both shocked to see each other and made polite small talk. He didn't look in good shape, and I could see even though he was faking a smile, that he was actually really down.

He said he was married and I said I was aware and wouldn't have put them together but was glad he found someone. I was about to wrap it up and go when he asked what I meant by I wouldn't have matched them, and if I knew her. I was surprised she had never told him she knew me, so said yes and told him how we'd met.

He asked if I'd known (as apparently other people did but failed to warn him) that she'd been diagnosed with a host of mental health conditions and personality disorders. Apparently it was common knowledge but everyone had kept shtum, or assumed she had told him herself. I said I didn't know, but it didn't surprise me to hear.

He then got emotional and said I must have known he didn't realise what she is actually like and not warned him out of spite. I said it wasn't my responsibility at all. He left me and what he chose to do with his life after that was none of my business.

But his reaction was so emotional, it's made me think, even though he was an AH for leaving me, should I have warned either of them about the other, and intervened to save two AHs from making each other even more miserable?

Her mental health issues have exasperated since the wedding apparently. AITA in the sense that I should I have given it more thought and said something to either of them before they got married?

The internet had plenty to say about OP's run-in with her ex.

Difficult_Mood_3225 wrote:

NTA to him, but you’re an asshole to yourself. Why would you even put yourself in this position or talk to him about it.

Feel like you might have opened a can of worms here for yourself.

OP responded:

That first line is what I needed to hear for a wake up call thank you!

unholypepperoni wrote:

NTA. And seriously, not your circus, not your monkeys. Don't get involved in that drama, it can get worse and drag you and anyone involved, along.

pinekneedle wrote:

Honestly….you would have just sounded like a bitter ex if you had warned him. Anyway, it wasn’t your job to say anything.

NTA.

do2g wrote:

>> He left me and what he chose to do with his life after that was none of my business.

This sums it up. He's a grown-ass man. He made his choice to call off the marriage and leave you; he also made the hasty decision to get married to another woman.

Whatever he want's to call if (spite, anger. indifference, reluctance to meddle, etc), he left your world behind so everything beyond that point is on him. He owns these decisions, not you or anyone else. NTA.

Good_Ad6336 wrote:

NTA. He left you with zero regard for your well being. He is a grown man responsible for his own decisions. He chose to date this woman. He chose to propose. He chose to marry her. His lack of due diligence is no one’s fault but his own. Go and live your best life reassured you dodged a bullet.

OP wrote:

Thank you, you're all right and was originally what I thought. It just threw me seeing him so upset. Even though it's been a year, I still care about him and it was saddening to see him so miserable. But I'm not going to give it any further thought and carry on moving on!

FoxSlyOldStoatyFox responded:

His friends knew he was dating this woman, and they knew about her mental health issues. But they never told him. His friends knew he was going to marry this woman, and they knew about her mental health issues. But they never told him. He can’t/won’t blame his friends though.

Maybe that’s a rational decision, to be fair - his life has gone down the toilet in a pretty big way, so ditching his friends for their betrayal wouldn’t actually benefit him in the short or medium term. Much easier to blame you.

Thank you everyone for reading and commenting.