Man who raised sister refuses to care for father's secret love child. 'Every mention of that kid made her cry.' AITA?
"AITA for only taking care of my (full) little sister?"
I (30M) have a younger sister (16F), Lara. I’ve basically raised this girl like my daughter. I love her like she’s my own child. Our mom died when Lara was a year old, I was 15. Our father was a wealthy man with a revolving door of younger women, who my sister grew up resenting.
Whatever our father was, he loved us both very much. He was a workaholic, which left me caring for my sister most of the time. Even though she had a nanny, she had extreme separation anxiety.
When I started college, our father bought me an apartment so I didn’t have to stay in a dorm. It turned into me raising my sister throughout college and all throughout business school.
She stayed at my apartment with her nanny during school hours, and I took care of her when I came home. I never missed a single competition or spelling bee, even through school, which I don’t regret. That’s what I mean when I say I raised her.
About three years ago, our father started dating a much younger woman (25F). She got pregnant and gave birth to a daughter. I was never involved with the kid. One time, I took my sister to visit because our father requested it.
It ended with her being an emotionally distraught mess for a week. She felt like she was being “replaced.” Any time I brought up the kid, she would cry. So I refused to see the kid again.
Our father died unexpectedly six months ago. He never married the woman, and she didn’t get a penny in the will. The kid got a small lump sum, but nothing like the trusts my sister and I received. I don’t think he cared for the kid very much, but the woman wanted it. I used to joke to my sister that the girl was just a “compromise kid.”
Lately, the woman has started badgering me. She says she can’t raise a child on her own and it’s unfair that I’m protective of my sister but won’t do the same for my “other sibling.” I corrected her and said I had no relation or obligation to her child.
Her child being around hurts my sister, and she is my priority. She got angry and said I can’t spoil one sister and neglect another. She said her child doesn’t have a father now and needs a male presence.
I told her to contact my lawyer. Then she somehow got my sister’s number and sent her texts calling her cruel for “keeping” me away. I had to be up all night consoling my sister, telling her I wouldn’t see this girl and she had nothing to worry about.
I called the woman again and threatened her with legal action if she kept harassing my sister. Now she’s calling my aunts and uncles, telling them all that I am vindictive and cruel.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You don't owe any obligation to your dad's gf or her child, even though she is your half-sister. You don't have to step into your Dad's shoes and provide emotionally or financially, like they used to in the middle ages.
But you need to get your sister some therapy, as she seems to have very insecure attachments despite your consistent input, and that will make her vulnerable in her adult relationships if it is not addressed.
So why hasn't your sister seen a therapist? One day you might marry, and she will be a mess.
NTA but get her some professional help for her anxiety.
"She said her child doesn’t have a father now and needs a male presence."
"Now she’s calling my aunts and uncles, saying I’m vindictive and cruel."
NTA.
Why don't your uncles step up to be a male presence, instead of increasing the load on somebody who has already raised a sibling while still a child themselves?
NTA, but I hope you have your sister enrolled in therapy. She needs the help of a professional to deal with her abandonment issues and what sounds like some unhealthy enmeshment with you. You should consider therapy as well, or at least family therapy with your sister.
ESH OP - your sister needs therapy. You've been great but you also allowed her to rob you of the college experience you should have had. Additionally, I think you would have a better relationship with your half sister had your full sister not reacted in an extremely unfair and unreasonable manner.
You keep giving into your sister's trauma but she needs help. Your half sister is equally your Dad's kid - she deserved the same inheritance. Your Dad was nasty for that. One day you will want to have your own life - don't let your sister crash your personal life and romantic connections.
Your sister needs therapy - do not let her control your life and your choices. You don't have to be the same brother but for you not to know your baby sister over your elder sister's irrational conduct - you begin to also look like an A to me. You don't have to choose one sister over the other.
She should’ve got herself wifed up before having a child with a rich man. She clearly failed gold digging 101. NTA.
I guess I'll be the outlier here. YTA. You don't owe this child a replacement father/parent. However, the way you speak about the kid is pretty gross. I get your sister has some issues/trauma from her upbringing, but that is no reason to 'joke' about the kid(compromise baby).
It was totally your father's responsibility to ensure ALL his children were equally provided for in his will or through trusts. So I'm not saying you should be or are obligated to fix that. What I do believe you should at least do is be open to a relationship with your sibling.
Your sister needs therapy to address her abandonment issues and her feelings of inadequacy/competition with this kid. Neither of you are obligated to be super close to the kid, but it like a 15-year age gap between each of you. You bridged it before. Why not do it now? Of course, you don't have to, but it's not a completely unrealistic or unreasonable idea to just treat this child as another sibling.